The world has experienced some tragic disappointments over the years. The epic collapse of the Mets franchise, the dominance of Philadelphia over New York(the teams that matter, anyway), the rejection of the entire current and former staff of NOTR from so-called "Ivy League" universities, the last Guns N' Roses album, the new season of How I Met Your Mother, and the very unclassy and untimely death of Patrick Swayze(may he rest in peace. Amen.). All of these were tragedies, some more so than others. However, the recent release of the short independent fil "Fiend Girls" rivals all of them in the heartbreaking disappointment it causes in its audience.
Not since the release of the epic masterpiece "The Rise and Fall of the Nazi Dinosaurs" has NOTR seen fit to write a movie review. But while "The Rise and Fall of the Nazi Dinosaurs" is an uplifting and emotional work of art, "Fiend Girls" deserves mention for being almost as disappointing as the New York Mets.
Much like the Mets, "Fiend Girls" looks like it could be something special. Where the Mets have Johan Santana, "Fiend Girls" has the word "Fiend" in the title. Where the Mets have Jose Reyes, "Fiend Girls" has the presence of a unibrow. However, as we all know, Santana and Reyes got hurt and the Mets are starting to resemble the New York Knicks in futility. Despite the great potential inherent in its most basic elements, "Fiend Girls" fails to deliver.
Clearly the creators of this film have no respect for the sanctity of unibrows or fiends. The girls depicted in this film are no more deserving of the term fiend than a certain Fraudmaster who shall remain nameless. This disrespect has brought the film close to the vh1 level in terms of unclassiness, and everybody involved deserves nothing less than a donkey punch on a boat in the middle of nowhere.
The film goes wrong even in the aspects that seem unimportant. "Fiend Girls" was meant to be a spoof of the film "Mean Girls" with a similar message: "coolness is what you think it is". Well, everybody knows that classiness is the coolest attribute possible. Plus, the unibrowed girl playing the part of Lindsay Lohan more closely resembles the post-crack whore version of said actress than the hot version that appears in "Mean Girls"
In short, this film is the greatest disappointment since the establishment of New Jersey. Clearly these filmmakers had no idea what sacred mythology they were toying with and created an abomination of Frankenstein-esque proportions. As such, NOTR is instituting a moment of silence to commemorate the classiness lost by the creation of this film. Amen.
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