Halloween is easily in the top ten awesome holidays. Free candy, ladies in skimpy outfits, and tupac-o-lanterns are all staples of this wonderful time of year. Less importantly, this holiday pays tribute to anything that, now or at any time in the past, had the power to cause fear in mankind. Witches, feminists, vampires, ghosts, and Mysterys(you call yourselves zombies, but I'm on to you. No, the Pickup Artist's techniques don't work, not even on Halloween. So cut it out already you're just depressing everybody) are just a few of the horrifying entities paid tribute on Halloween.
But what's the point? Halloween used to be a pagan holiday, and the traditions carried out today are just adaptations of certain ancient traditions if the film "The Halloween Tree" is to be believed. The problem is, "The Halloween Tree" was a terrible movie, and even worse children's book. Seriously the guy who wrote it should be metaphorically kicked in the crotch. He actually tries to use the word "lollicking" omninously. Clearly the guy is the Daisy De La Hoya of authors.
Halloween, for all its wonders, has never been regarded as classy. Sure, many have tried, through dressing up in top hats, tuxedos, pocketwatches, and the like, giving out caviar to trick-or-treaters, but overall the classy element has never been prevalent in Halloween.
The true purpose of Halloween is simple; Halloween is a time where the normal rules of society do not apply. Classiness, nutrition, and normal clothing are all completely disregarded on this day(well, night, nobody really cares about Halloween day). People go looking to be scared, what with all the movies out(though, seriously, these movies are really, really stupid. Saw was great, but six?!!!! Really??!!!!!) and typically venture outside their comfort zones. Despite the cold, ladies dress in the tightest and most ridiculously tiny outfits they could find(even when they shouldn't) of their own accord. So go forth and enjoy this magical time ye fiends and Roundtablers, and hope that your costume components arrive before Halloween. It would totally suck otherwise.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Techno: The New Crave
Reprinted, with or without permission, from Issue II of the News of the Roundtable: Print Edition (March 27, 2009).
Is it ecstacy or music? What makes it so addictive?
Techno is a form of electronic dance that originated in Detroit during the 1980s. It has developed into one of the most widely renowned dance music throughout the world. Techno is like a school bus driver - it's odd on the outside but crazy in the inside. When played at a party, techno puts peoples' minds in a complete and utter trance unsurpassed any other time in their lives. The mental power of techno is so strong that there have been rumors that some Charedim were dancing the hora to 'Dota,' by Basshunter, in Washington Heights. There have been many claims that the “land of milk and honey” (Israel) is a euphemism for “the land of techno and Arash”. Israel is known for its love of techno and has attracted many Techno artists, including the infamous DJ Tiesto. Beside for the Middle East Techno stars have also risen in places like Sweden where Basshunter, who enjoys the company of a very beautiful and talented Persian girlfriend, has become very famous. There have been recent studies that Techno can be used to cure malaria and syphilis. The up-tempo and addictive qualities of techno have been proven to retrace time and undo these deadly infectious diseases. Techno is an art; it's a beauty umatched by any hot girl anywhere, it's the Bar Rafaeli of music, and the Kobe Bryant. In the end it is obvious that Techno is the best genre of music and Arash is the best musician of our time. In addition we should all thank G-d for the opportunity to indulge in the addictivness of Arash and Techno.
Techno is a form of electronic dance that originated in Detroit during the 1980s. It has developed into one of the most widely renowned dance music throughout the world. Techno is like a school bus driver - it's odd on the outside but crazy in the inside. When played at a party, techno puts peoples' minds in a complete and utter trance unsurpassed any other time in their lives. The mental power of techno is so strong that there have been rumors that some Charedim were dancing the hora to 'Dota,' by Basshunter, in Washington Heights. There have been many claims that the “land of milk and honey” (Israel) is a euphemism for “the land of techno and Arash”. Israel is known for its love of techno and has attracted many Techno artists, including the infamous DJ Tiesto. Beside for the Middle East Techno stars have also risen in places like Sweden where Basshunter, who enjoys the company of a very beautiful and talented Persian girlfriend, has become very famous. There have been recent studies that Techno can be used to cure malaria and syphilis. The up-tempo and addictive qualities of techno have been proven to retrace time and undo these deadly infectious diseases. Techno is an art; it's a beauty umatched by any hot girl anywhere, it's the Bar Rafaeli of music, and the Kobe Bryant. In the end it is obvious that Techno is the best genre of music and Arash is the best musician of our time. In addition we should all thank G-d for the opportunity to indulge in the addictivness of Arash and Techno.
Friday, October 23, 2009
BREAKING NEWS: Due to "Fancy Friday" this week's issue of NOTR has been canceled
Editor's note: No, you didn't miss anything. Today is, unfortunately, not Fancy Friday. Instead, we are taking advantage of this Roundtable Friday to re-start our endeavor to digitalize all of the print edition of the News of the Roundtable. And we started with this article (which was the entirity of NOTR print Issue III, published on Fancy Friday, April 23, 2009) because we remembered just how much everyone loved it, and just how much hard effort Mr. J T (now of John's 'Hopkin' University) put into this remarkably well written article.
Insert Text Here
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
The Large Classiness Supercollector: Delightful Development or Doomsday Device?
Editor's note: Stay tuned for special events on November 5 and 11. More information will be released at the appropriate time(s).
New Jersey is a land of contrasts, a land where most things are simply awful, but, if you can navigate the crazy road layouts, the chemical factories, the swamps, and Atlantic City you will find a few places that are, for lack of better words, simply very classy. Take, for example, Chickies. Or, if you prefer, the Original Round Table.
Another such place would be the Institute for Advanced Classiness, in Princeton. While most of New Jersey is wallowing in filth, the Institute stands as a beacon of classiness for the entire world.
But that might be changing.
A new experiment is underway in Princeton, and it may very well change every aspect of classiness. And therin lies the danger.
---
The Large Classiness Supercollector, as this experiment is called, is based on a very simple, but very disputed, assumption, namely, that classiness can be measured, and, more importantly calculated.
"A central point of the Scientific Revolution was that mathematics can be used to describe every aspect of this world," says the Institute's director, Doctor Sir Klassman von Leibniz, Ph.D. "Yet somehow, mathematics never got around to describing classiness."
For better or for worse, Dr. von Leibniz changed that. His first groundbreaking paper, Methods For Derivation and Integration of Classiness, published in 1984, was hailed as a masterpeice by many Scholars of Classiness. But many others said it was the exact opposite. "It became evident, soon after the publication of von Leibniz's paper, that his attempts were backfiring incredibly," says one of von Leibniz's earliest foes, Cornell University Professor Neville Isaacson.
Von Leibniz admits that much of what is now known as Classimatics is flawed, perhaps even to the fundamental level. "In particular, the equation to predict just when something very classy becomes too classy is very problematic - perhaps even not completely possible."
---
Before we let these wonderfully classy scientists blabber on about who's right and who isn't, perhaps we should examine just what the LCS is supposed to do.
The basic theory is simple. Large amounts of classiness in a relatively small area make that area classier. That was, of course, the entire premise behind Fancy Friday, and is relatively well-accepted by virtually all of the classy community.
The real question is just how far this effect can be extended - and, more importantly, at what point does it stop becoming safe and classy?
Many scholars believe in the Law of Diminishingly Classy Returns, namely, that the more classy stuff you collect, the less each individual item increases classiness by - until a point where adding more classy items does not increase classiness at all. This point is expected to be somewhere in the middle of the 'very classy' range.
Others still believe that the classiness increase never stops - but that after a certain point the collection crosses the line and simply becomes too classy.
---
Dr. von Leibniz and his associates believe in this second view, yet are sure that they can collect just the right amount of classy objects to make the area just below the 'too classy' line - in other words, as classy as anywhere can get without becoming too classy. The surrounding areas will become classier because they are near the Large Classiness Supercollector, as their collection is called, and will in turn spread an affect that will make the entire world far classier. And since the effect is in New Jersey, the 'Great Classification' (as it is called) will make New Jersey from wasteland into class-land.
Not everyone is convinced. Those who believe in the Law of Diminishing Returns think that the Collector will never work, and is simply a waste of classy items that can be better used by donating them to schoolchildren in unclassy countries (the U.S. State Department spends millions of dollars on such projects each year, but every bit of classiness helps).
Those who agree that the classiness increase does not stop no matter who much classy material is supplied, but, on the other hand, disagree with the classiness or ability of math to predict this and other reactions see a far greater threat.
"There's nothing to stop it from going supercritical - nothing to stop it from just becoming classier and classier until it's so far beyond too classy that nothing can bring it back," says Archibald MacLeish Jr., son of former ICC president Archibald MacLeish (1900-1982). "And once that happens, it will take the rest of the world with it."
MacLeish says that if the LCS is ever completed, the world will, almost instantly, become far too classy. He envisions a day when "people dress like Kanye West except with bowties, when they watch Antiques Roadshow for fun, when they ride mammoths to work and Pterodactyls to school, when every man, woman, and child will own 3.14 elvish servants, when everyone drinks tea, and when Boro Boro by Arash is played so often that it actually starts to sound annoying." MacLeish thinks that this must not happen.
MacLeish says that if the LCS is ever completed, the world will, almost instantly, become far too classy. He envisions a day when "people dress like Kanye West except with bowties, when they watch Antiques Roadshow for fun, when they ride mammoths to work and Pterodactyls to school, when every man, woman, and child will own 3.14 elvish servants, when everyone drinks tea, and when Boro Boro by Arash is played so often that it actually starts to sound annoying." MacLeish thinks that this must not happen.
He is not alone. Recently, Random Canadian Guy Johhny Schmidtt sued the Institute for Advanced Classiness for "endangering my classiness." The Institute responded by saying that no one from Canada is classy anyway. The case is still in the Canadian Supreme Court. A few of the minor buildings in the Institute were burned down by Canadian mobs who were
- very angry in general
- very angry in particular because of the long car ride they had to travel to get to the Institute, and
- very bored since the hockey season had just ended and the curling season hadn't yet begun.
Classy people have also challenged the institute. But we'll talk about that later, won't we.
Friday, October 16, 2009
CNN: The VH1 of News?
CNN was most certainly living up to these tasks. The segment that was showing as I passed was entitled (and I kid you not) Black Women and their Relationship with Hair.
Finally! The journalistic integrity this country (and the world) needs. Why talk about war, the economy, or the Monsey Chicken Scandal? We can talk about Black Women and their hair!
Upon closer inspection, though, this segment could be considered racist and sexist. I truly hope that CNN will follow this up with other hard-hitting stories, like White Men and their Relationship with Fingernails, or Asian Hermaphrodites and their Relationships with Eyeballs. (By the way, if anyone reading this is an Asian hermaphrodite, or indeed a hermaphrodite in general, please accept my sincere condolences.)
Because of CNN's obvious contributions to televised journalisim, I would like to nominate them for the position of The VH1 of News. After such a groundbreaking story, I'm sure we can all agree they deserve it.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Book Review: The Sexual Power of Marijuana
Yes, it's a real book. Sure, it's forty years old, but it's real. And seeing how more people are probably using viagra to solve their sexual problems, presumably the book has failed in its objectve to promote weed as a solution to any and all marital and relational issues. Sorry, Reputation.
However, this book is entertaining in how seriously it takes itself. The author quotes weed experts and users nationwide in an attempt to illustrate the then unproven physiological and psychological effects of herb. An illustration of how seriously the author took her work, the people she surveyed tended not to be hippies or teenagers. In fact, the people she interviewed tended to be in their mid-thirties. Some were even in their fifties.
Now that is just too old, at least if you aren't a musician or a celebrity, who are expected to pull these kinds of things until at least their late sixties, providing they survive that long. People with respectable jobs and families should not be wasting their hard earned cash on marijuana. That's just irresponsible. That money should be used towards something useful, like a college fund. or a motorcycle if they are experiencing a mid-life crisis. Or at least something awesome, like a clap-on fireplace or something. Not something sad that you should have stopped using in grad school when you actually started to use your brain.
This book has motivated me to come up with some kind of formula for figuring out at what ages, depending on profession, the allowable weed ages are. Furthermore, anybody under the age of fourteen shouldn't be going near the stuff. Here they are:
Medicine(Doctor, Surgeon, etc.)NEVER! I'm sorry, but if you are going to be responsible for people's health, you must be able to remain completely focused at all times. Always. Sorry, but no bud for you
Business(Finance, Accounting, Numbers-crunching type) It is quite understandable that the everyday boredom of your job requires some excitement. But do it the usual ways: womanizing, weekend beers, and company picnics. Too many people are depending on you for their financial security. Acceptable ages:16-whenever you get a job(hopefully in the 22-24 range)
Business(Marketing, Public Relations): Your job is to talk. Clearly. Smartly. And messing with your brain too much in its developmental stages is just detrimental to your profession. However, since most of what you do is bs, if you so choose there is a narrow window(17-20) where light use probably will not destroy your future. Probably.
Politician: who cares, as long as nobody finds out? You just hire people to write and do things for you. You just gotta look nice for the people and be able to read well. And make sure nobody finds out if you do. Meaning once you are actually working for the government, its best to start following the law. Ages:15-26
Lawyers, judges: If you are good at what you do, you can get away with it, since somehow youd find a way to get out of trouble. But the entire legal system is riding on you; don't screw the people over for your habits. Ages:18-23(law school)
Finally, Celebrities/musicians: You are expected to do this. In fact, weed is tame for you. In the interest in your health you should probably be careful, but when have you ever done that? Ages: 14-64 Exception: Miley Cyrus and anybody associated with VH1. You're already so unclassy and untalented that nobody gives a crap what happens to you. In the case of VH1, every show is probably fueled by weedheads. I know the contestants are puffing the magic dragon. Seeing as you are already failures and your presence makes the universe unclassy and you do nothing but ruin life for the good people of the world, nobody gives a shit what you do. In fact, anything that will get any of you to shut up or just go away for any amount of time is a good thing. Ages: 3-whenever you are done corrupting society.
For the record, NOTR is not supporting the use of herb. It's laying out guidelines for when criticism will be kept to a relative minimum. Or in the case of VH1 or Miley Cyrus, just illustrating nothing short of complete destruction, cancellation, or any form of getting out of the public eye will lessen the ripping.
However, this book is entertaining in how seriously it takes itself. The author quotes weed experts and users nationwide in an attempt to illustrate the then unproven physiological and psychological effects of herb. An illustration of how seriously the author took her work, the people she surveyed tended not to be hippies or teenagers. In fact, the people she interviewed tended to be in their mid-thirties. Some were even in their fifties.
Now that is just too old, at least if you aren't a musician or a celebrity, who are expected to pull these kinds of things until at least their late sixties, providing they survive that long. People with respectable jobs and families should not be wasting their hard earned cash on marijuana. That's just irresponsible. That money should be used towards something useful, like a college fund. or a motorcycle if they are experiencing a mid-life crisis. Or at least something awesome, like a clap-on fireplace or something. Not something sad that you should have stopped using in grad school when you actually started to use your brain.
This book has motivated me to come up with some kind of formula for figuring out at what ages, depending on profession, the allowable weed ages are. Furthermore, anybody under the age of fourteen shouldn't be going near the stuff. Here they are:
Medicine(Doctor, Surgeon, etc.)NEVER! I'm sorry, but if you are going to be responsible for people's health, you must be able to remain completely focused at all times. Always. Sorry, but no bud for you
Business(Finance, Accounting, Numbers-crunching type) It is quite understandable that the everyday boredom of your job requires some excitement. But do it the usual ways: womanizing, weekend beers, and company picnics. Too many people are depending on you for their financial security. Acceptable ages:16-whenever you get a job(hopefully in the 22-24 range)
Business(Marketing, Public Relations): Your job is to talk. Clearly. Smartly. And messing with your brain too much in its developmental stages is just detrimental to your profession. However, since most of what you do is bs, if you so choose there is a narrow window(17-20) where light use probably will not destroy your future. Probably.
Politician: who cares, as long as nobody finds out? You just hire people to write and do things for you. You just gotta look nice for the people and be able to read well. And make sure nobody finds out if you do. Meaning once you are actually working for the government, its best to start following the law. Ages:15-26
Lawyers, judges: If you are good at what you do, you can get away with it, since somehow youd find a way to get out of trouble. But the entire legal system is riding on you; don't screw the people over for your habits. Ages:18-23(law school)
Finally, Celebrities/musicians: You are expected to do this. In fact, weed is tame for you. In the interest in your health you should probably be careful, but when have you ever done that? Ages: 14-64 Exception: Miley Cyrus and anybody associated with VH1. You're already so unclassy and untalented that nobody gives a crap what happens to you. In the case of VH1, every show is probably fueled by weedheads. I know the contestants are puffing the magic dragon. Seeing as you are already failures and your presence makes the universe unclassy and you do nothing but ruin life for the good people of the world, nobody gives a shit what you do. In fact, anything that will get any of you to shut up or just go away for any amount of time is a good thing. Ages: 3-whenever you are done corrupting society.
For the record, NOTR is not supporting the use of herb. It's laying out guidelines for when criticism will be kept to a relative minimum. Or in the case of VH1 or Miley Cyrus, just illustrating nothing short of complete destruction, cancellation, or any form of getting out of the public eye will lessen the ripping.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Pterodactyl Watch: Hong Kong
Surely not! Google got rich for being good with data, didn't they! So if Google's displaying something false, it must be because they are hiding something!
But are they hiding it for good or for ill?
Well, Google's motto is 'don't be evil'. But clearly Google lied on being evil: how else could anyone explain their failure to develop and expand on Google TiSP?
And if Google is evil, then they must always lie.
(Quod erat demonstrandum.)
But what is Google trying to hide? Perhaps, they are undergoing a quest to hide traces of their allies, the evil ptero-people! How else can you explain that a Google search for "Ptero-Terror" returns only four results, and none of them are this site (which, as we all know is obviously the classiest website on the internet)!
What does Google gain from its support of ptero-terror?
Well, we need to look at the statistics again. The second highest search rate for "Roundtable" was, if you remember, Hong Kong.
So, obviously, when Ptero-people rule the western hemisphere, Google will be ruling the east from their secret lair under the South China Sea. And their minions (according to Wikipedia, Hongkongers) will spread far and wide and will do whatever Google's Minions tend to do (programming, mostly).
But it will be to late, for we will be under the wonderful, terrible, great, awesome, fun, deadly, exciting reign of the pterodactyls.
Tell your freinds!
And when you see the Pterodactyls in the skies over Hong Kong, beware!
But what about ptero-terror closer to home?
Find out on the next edition of
Pterodactyl Watch
Friday, October 9, 2009
The State of the News of the Roundtable
Today marks the one month* anniversary of the creation of the online version of the News of the Roundtable. Here's how we're doing:
Articles posted (not including this one): 18
Days up: 29
Articles per day: 0.62 (4.3 per week)
Authors: 3
Questions that the Tuber was asked: 1
Huge programming projects which were proposed but will probably never materialize: 1
Most common tags:
By now, Arash's classiness is well known, but this confirms it.
Also, Senior Medley. Heh.
Something of a split here. Everyone seems to agree that Pterodactyls are not Too Classy, but other than that, there wasn't all that much agreement, although everything clusters around Pterodactyls being Moderately Classy.
Wow. Kanye West! Such a threat to classiness in the world today. (Strangely, no one shared my fears that Antiques Roadshow would make the world Too Classy - people seem much more worried about Underclassification than Overclassification.) Also, who voted for PLP?
*: A 'month' is defined as 4 weeks. Your results may vary.
Articles posted (not including this one): 18
Days up: 29
Articles per day: 0.62 (4.3 per week)
Authors: 3
Questions that the Tuber was asked: 1
Huge programming projects which were proposed but will probably never materialize: 1
Most common tags:
- Pterodactyl (used 6 times)
- Arash (used 5 times)
- Friday (used 4 times)
- Madness (used 4 times)
- Classy (used 3 times)
- Hirschfeeeld (used 3 times)
- Hirschfeld (used 3 times)
- VH1 (used 3 times)
By now, Arash's classiness is well known, but this confirms it.
Also, Senior Medley. Heh.
*: A 'month' is defined as 4 weeks. Your results may vary.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Coming Soon...
I think that by the end of the semester, I might just have enough programming skill to pull this off. Send any and all suggestions you may have to askthetuber@gmail.com .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
