Pterodactyl Watch: Hong Kong

Just what does Google think of classiness? Let's find out, and expose a plot of pterodactylish feindishness, covering the entire world, from Monsey to Hong Kong.

Well. According to that handy-dandy chart, less people have searched for "Roundtable" recently, but there has actually been much more news about it. Just where is this news?

Wait. The third most frequent search for Roundtable came from... Canada!? Obviously Google's data is flawed. Somewhere as unclassy as Canada would never search for such a classy term. (Never mind what's going on with Hong Kong and Australia, which is also pretty sketchy.) So is Google's data flawed?
Surely not! Google got rich for being good with data, didn't they! So if Google's displaying something false, it must be because they are hiding something!
But are they hiding it for good or for ill?
Well, Google's motto is 'don't be evil'. But clearly Google lied on being evil: how else could anyone explain their failure to develop and expand on Google TiSP?
And if Google is evil, then they must always lie.
(Quod erat demonstrandum.)
But what is Google trying to hide? Perhaps, they are undergoing a quest to hide traces of their allies, the evil ptero-people! How else can you explain that a Google search for "Ptero-Terror" returns only four results, and none of them are this site (which, as we all know is obviously the classiest website on the internet)!
What does Google gain from its support of ptero-terror?
Well, we need to look at the statistics again. The second highest search rate for "Roundtable" was, if you remember, Hong Kong.
So, obviously, when Ptero-people rule the western hemisphere, Google will be ruling the east from their secret lair under the South China Sea. And their minions (according to Wikipedia, Hongkongers) will spread far and wide and will do whatever Google's Minions tend to do (programming, mostly).
But it will be to late, for we will be under the wonderful, terrible, great, awesome, fun, deadly, exciting reign of the pterodactyls.
Tell your freinds!
And when you see the Pterodactyls in the skies over Hong Kong, beware!

But what about ptero-terror closer to home?

Find out on the next edition of

Pterodactyl Watch

Pterodactyl Watch: Arizona

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By now, all readers of the News of the Roundtable should know that Pterodactyls are dangerous. They should even know how to identify them. But how can we prove the danger to our skeptical neighbors?
In the first entry in our new Pterodactyl Watch series, we travel to the remote and inhospitable deserts of Arizona. We met there with an Old Man, who had the added distinction of being Native American and thus knowing the myths related to this area.

"In the ancient days, just after the World was created (almost one thousand years ago!), there were four tribes of men: the Yellow Men, the Black Men, the White Men, and the Red Men."

Clearly, he means Asians, Black People, White people, and Native Americans. Moving on to the interesting bits:

"...No one really cares about the Yellow, Black, and White Men. But the Red Men - they lived here. All of them; anything you hear about different tribes of Red Men, especially if they are fighting each other, is a filthy lie. Made by filthy liars..."

Can you get to the point already, Old Man?

"...And the Red Men would farm in the valleys, but they would live in the cliffs. Why would they live in the cliffs? Not because they were afraid of other Red Men.  As I already said, all the Red Men were friends and living together - and anyone who says otherwise is one of those aforementioned filthy liars. They would live in the cliffs because if they were in the valleys for too long, they would get snatched up and eaten by the winged dinosaurs."

So there you have it - from the Old Man's lips to our ears. There were Pterodactyls in Arizona less than a thousand years ago. Thus, the scientists were obviously lying.

PTERODACTYLS ARE STILL AMONG US!!!

But why were they in Arizona specifically? For that, we turned to a random New Age mystic guy. We even managed to make sure he wasn't high during the interview!

"Tourists come to this place because of the Vortices (that's plural of Vortex, folks!). Each Vortex has mystical magical powers that we cannot even comprehend. They cause U.F.O. sightings. They cause madmen. They cause miracles."

And, presumably, they attract Pterodactyls. But are these Vortices only in Arizona?

"Vorticies are the cause of many previously unexplained phenomena. There are Vorticies in New York's Hudson Valley..."

Finally, an explanation for why Monsey is so weird! There are Vorticies there!

"We should all pray to the Vorticies, because-"

Whoa (Whooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa), hey. We don't need that kinda talk around here.

---

And so you have it. There are Vorticies in Arizona. They attract Pterodactyls. The Pterodactyls eat the Indians. It's a food chain. And proof of the Ptero-terror threat.
Where is the next target of the ptero-terror? Is it the Hudson Valley, which also has Vorticies? Is the Hudson Valley already pterritory? Could your peaceful town be next?

Find out on the next edition of

Pterodactyl Watch

Kevin's note: Some of these quotes are actually real. There was an old Native American guy who said more or less the same thing as he did in this story - including the bit about Indians being eaten by winged dinosaurs. The New Age weirdo did say there were vorticies in both Arizona and the Hudson Valley. Is this a coincidence? I think not. It must be a pterodactylian plot!