Pterodactyl Watch: Arizona

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By now, all readers of the News of the Roundtable should know that Pterodactyls are dangerous. They should even know how to identify them. But how can we prove the danger to our skeptical neighbors?
In the first entry in our new Pterodactyl Watch series, we travel to the remote and inhospitable deserts of Arizona. We met there with an Old Man, who had the added distinction of being Native American and thus knowing the myths related to this area.

"In the ancient days, just after the World was created (almost one thousand years ago!), there were four tribes of men: the Yellow Men, the Black Men, the White Men, and the Red Men."

Clearly, he means Asians, Black People, White people, and Native Americans. Moving on to the interesting bits:

"...No one really cares about the Yellow, Black, and White Men. But the Red Men - they lived here. All of them; anything you hear about different tribes of Red Men, especially if they are fighting each other, is a filthy lie. Made by filthy liars..."

Can you get to the point already, Old Man?

"...And the Red Men would farm in the valleys, but they would live in the cliffs. Why would they live in the cliffs? Not because they were afraid of other Red Men.  As I already said, all the Red Men were friends and living together - and anyone who says otherwise is one of those aforementioned filthy liars. They would live in the cliffs because if they were in the valleys for too long, they would get snatched up and eaten by the winged dinosaurs."

So there you have it - from the Old Man's lips to our ears. There were Pterodactyls in Arizona less than a thousand years ago. Thus, the scientists were obviously lying.

PTERODACTYLS ARE STILL AMONG US!!!

But why were they in Arizona specifically? For that, we turned to a random New Age mystic guy. We even managed to make sure he wasn't high during the interview!

"Tourists come to this place because of the Vortices (that's plural of Vortex, folks!). Each Vortex has mystical magical powers that we cannot even comprehend. They cause U.F.O. sightings. They cause madmen. They cause miracles."

And, presumably, they attract Pterodactyls. But are these Vortices only in Arizona?

"Vorticies are the cause of many previously unexplained phenomena. There are Vorticies in New York's Hudson Valley..."

Finally, an explanation for why Monsey is so weird! There are Vorticies there!

"We should all pray to the Vorticies, because-"

Whoa (Whooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa), hey. We don't need that kinda talk around here.

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And so you have it. There are Vorticies in Arizona. They attract Pterodactyls. The Pterodactyls eat the Indians. It's a food chain. And proof of the Ptero-terror threat.
Where is the next target of the ptero-terror? Is it the Hudson Valley, which also has Vorticies? Is the Hudson Valley already pterritory? Could your peaceful town be next?

Find out on the next edition of

Pterodactyl Watch

Kevin's note: Some of these quotes are actually real. There was an old Native American guy who said more or less the same thing as he did in this story - including the bit about Indians being eaten by winged dinosaurs. The New Age weirdo did say there were vorticies in both Arizona and the Hudson Valley. Is this a coincidence? I think not. It must be a pterodactylian plot!