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Showing posts with label basshunter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label basshunter. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Techno: The New Crave


 Reprinted, with or without permission, from Issue II of the News of the Roundtable: Print Edition (March 27, 2009).


Is it ecstacy or music? What makes it so addictive?


Techno is a form of electronic dance that originated in Detroit during the 1980s. It has developed into one of the most widely renowned dance music throughout the world. Techno is like a school bus driver - it's odd on the outside but crazy in the inside. When played at a party, techno puts peoples' minds in a complete and utter trance unsurpassed any other time in their lives. The mental power of techno is so strong that there have been rumors that some Charedim were dancing the hora to 'Dota,' by Basshunter, in Washington Heights. There have been many claims that the “land of milk and honey” (Israel) is a euphemism for “the land of techno and Arash”. Israel is known for its love of techno and has attracted many Techno artists, including the infamous DJ Tiesto. Beside for the Middle East Techno stars have also risen in places like Sweden where Basshunter, who enjoys the company of a very beautiful and talented Persian girlfriend, has become very famous. There have been recent studies that Techno can be used to cure malaria and syphilis. The up-tempo and addictive qualities of techno have been proven to retrace time and undo these deadly infectious diseases. Techno is an art; it's a beauty umatched by any hot girl anywhere, it's the Bar Rafaeli of music, and the Kobe Bryant. In the end it is obvious that Techno is the best genre of music and Arash is the best musician of our time. In addition we should all thank G-d for the opportunity to indulge in the addictivness of Arash and Techno.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Mr. West: an Exploration and Invocation


Editor's note: Welcome to the News of the Roundtable: Online Edition's latest contributor, WickedJumbo.


Every 14 year old girl's world was shattered sunday night when Kanye West, (heretofore to be referred to as Mr. West to retain what little semblance of dignity he still has) shocked the world by successfully getting his huge ego up to the stage in time to steal Taylor Swift's thunder, glory, moment, and whatever other superlatives receiving a VMA really deserve.
Now Mr. West, self proclaimed more famous than Jesus, God, Mystery, Matador, Tila Tequila, the Beatles, and even Daisy De la Hoya, is finally worthy of the highest honor one can be offered. An article in this esteemed paper designated solely to him; an honor shared only Arash, Basshunter, and the Senior Medley, so clearly Mr. West, you are in talented musical company.
And now the story of Dr. Kanye West, D.D.S.
Kanye hails from Chicago, in the deep dark midwest, home of Blagojevich, Michael Jordan, and Da Bears. Clearly his brain was affected by all the smog, snow, and subconscious response to being abused as a child by his stuffed rhinoceros because last time i checked, this:
"I'm sooooo sorry to Taylor Swift and her fans and her mom," he wrote. "I spoke to her mother right after and she said the same thing my mother would've said. She is very talented! I like the lyrics about being a cheerleader and she's in the bleachers! I'm in the wrong for going on stage and taking away from her moment!
"Beyoncé's video was the best of this decade!!!! I'm sorry to my fans if I let you guys down!!!! I'm sorry to my friends at MTV. I will apologize to Taylor 2mrw. Welcome to the real world!!!! Everybody wanna booooo me but I'm a fan of real pop culture!!! No disrespect but we watchin' the show at the crib right now cause ... well you know!!!! I'm still happy for Taylor!!!! Boooyaaawwww!!!! You are very very talented!!! I gave my awards to Outkast when they deserved it over me ... That's what it is!!!!!!! I'm not crazy y'all, i'm just real. Sorry for that!!! I really feel bad for Taylor and I'm sincerely sorry!!! Much respect!!!!!"
was not considered rational human thought. However I can't really say I'm surprised by this spat of incoherence coming from the man whose platinum selling songs include lyrics such as
"Don't try to treat me like I ain't famous My apologies, are you into astrology Cause I'm, I'm tryin to make it to Uranus"
Clearly his lyrical genius aside, Kanye's greatest contribution to society must be his sense of style. How much more depressing a society would we live in if no one was walking around in plastic sunshades with bars instead of lenses, or wearing army boots at all times. What would we do if we suddenly needed to kick a Nazi dinosaur's ass on a sunny day without these irreplaceable advancements to the functionality and style of our collective wardrobes?
So thank you Mr. West, for finally taking an MTV program to the next level; the VH1 level. Not just anyone could have done what you did. I applaud your efforts and look forward to many more ridiculous attention-grabbing escapades for years to come, or until your career falls apart in 2 years and you follow the path of MC Hammer into oblivion and bankruptcy, whichever comes first.