The Evils of Morning Radio

Fine readers of NOTR, there is a continuing injustice in this world that can no longer be tolerated. No, it is not the career of Miley Cyrus. No, it is not the nightime programming of SPIKE TV. This injustice is the music or, more accurately, the lack of on morning radio.
Why do people listen to music radio stations? duh- listen to music, be it Arash, Taylor Swift, or Lil' Wayne. But not Dream Theater. They're never on the radio.
What morning radio has done, however, is to take the few precious minutes not taken up by commercials and, rather than dedicating those moments to the music without which the radio station could not exist, give those moments to "radio show hosts" who talk about stuff nobody really cares about because the listeners are tuning in for music- not to hear what some chode had for breakfast or did on new years. the madness has to stop.

Nobody Expects Josh P――― Day!

Editor's Note: Posted an hour before Friday officially starts. I'm going to get to bed early. Also, be sure to check out the prototype Arash: Flying Bicycle game, below.

Nobody expects Josh P――― Day!

(Its chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear... Amongst its weaponry are such diverse elements as surprise, fear, nice red uniforms, and lack of fanatical devotion to the Pope... heh - that's a Monty Python reference, folks. Did I really need to tell you?)

Although his last name may have been censored to avoid cyberbullying, Fiends of the Roundtable surely know of this man's heroic quest to enter the greatest (or so he thinks) college in the history of this universe. (Although I'm told that the RCC two universes over might give it a run for its money.) I am speaking, of course, of the great and grand, awesome and amazing, cool and classy, blessed and bloated Cornell University.

Mr. P――― had always dreamed of going to Cornell University. He yearned to go to Cornell University. He dreamed of yearning to go to Cornell University.


And on December 11, 2008, exactly one year ago from today, Mr. P――― was admitted to that amazing school whose name I shall not repeat because I would have to put it in extra large letters and that would cause formatting problems.

But anyway. One year ago was the first ever Josh P――― Day. Today is the second one. Don't you feel special living through such a momentous occasion?

Some naysayers might claim that Josh P――― Day is unclassy, and should not be included on this most classy of blogs/online versions of fake newspapers. They are wrong. First of all, Cornell University is so special and classy that it automatically comes out in big letters. Fairless Dickinson University doesn't. Columbia University certainly doesn't. Only Cornell University is classy enough for that. The font size proves it. (Don't even get me started on John's 'Hopkin' Univeristy...)

Second, just think about Mr. P―――. Pretty classy guy, eh? Sure, he didn't write for the News of the Roundtable, but then again, neither did Archibald MacLeish. (Perhaps for completely different reasons, but, hey...)

Third, well, there is a third reason, but I'm not sure what.

Happy Josh P――― Day!

Techno: The New Crave

 Reprinted, with or without permission, from Issue II of the News of the Roundtable: Print Edition (March 27, 2009).

Is it ecstacy or music? What makes it so addictive?

Techno is a form of electronic dance that originated in Detroit during the 1980s. It has developed into one of the most widely renowned dance music throughout the world. Techno is like a school bus driver - it's odd on the outside but crazy in the inside. When played at a party, techno puts peoples' minds in a complete and utter trance unsurpassed any other time in their lives. The mental power of techno is so strong that there have been rumors that some Charedim were dancing the hora to 'Dota,' by Basshunter, in Washington Heights. There have been many claims that the “land of milk and honey” (Israel) is a euphemism for “the land of techno and Arash”. Israel is known for its love of techno and has attracted many Techno artists, including the infamous DJ Tiesto. Beside for the Middle East Techno stars have also risen in places like Sweden where Basshunter, who enjoys the company of a very beautiful and talented Persian girlfriend, has become very famous. There have been recent studies that Techno can be used to cure malaria and syphilis. The up-tempo and addictive qualities of techno have been proven to retrace time and undo these deadly infectious diseases. Techno is an art; it's a beauty umatched by any hot girl anywhere, it's the Bar Rafaeli of music, and the Kobe Bryant. In the end it is obvious that Techno is the best genre of music and Arash is the best musician of our time. In addition we should all thank G-d for the opportunity to indulge in the addictivness of Arash and Techno.

Pterodactyl Watch: Hong Kong

Just what does Google think of classiness? Let's find out, and expose a plot of pterodactylish feindishness, covering the entire world, from Monsey to Hong Kong.

Well. According to that handy-dandy chart, less people have searched for "Roundtable" recently, but there has actually been much more news about it. Just where is this news?

Wait. The third most frequent search for Roundtable came from... Canada!? Obviously Google's data is flawed. Somewhere as unclassy as Canada would never search for such a classy term. (Never mind what's going on with Hong Kong and Australia, which is also pretty sketchy.) So is Google's data flawed?
Surely not! Google got rich for being good with data, didn't they! So if Google's displaying something false, it must be because they are hiding something!
But are they hiding it for good or for ill?
Well, Google's motto is 'don't be evil'. But clearly Google lied on being evil: how else could anyone explain their failure to develop and expand on Google TiSP?
And if Google is evil, then they must always lie.
(Quod erat demonstrandum.)
But what is Google trying to hide? Perhaps, they are undergoing a quest to hide traces of their allies, the evil ptero-people! How else can you explain that a Google search for "Ptero-Terror" returns only four results, and none of them are this site (which, as we all know is obviously the classiest website on the internet)!
What does Google gain from its support of ptero-terror?
Well, we need to look at the statistics again. The second highest search rate for "Roundtable" was, if you remember, Hong Kong.
So, obviously, when Ptero-people rule the western hemisphere, Google will be ruling the east from their secret lair under the South China Sea. And their minions (according to Wikipedia, Hongkongers) will spread far and wide and will do whatever Google's Minions tend to do (programming, mostly).
But it will be to late, for we will be under the wonderful, terrible, great, awesome, fun, deadly, exciting reign of the pterodactyls.
Tell your freinds!
And when you see the Pterodactyls in the skies over Hong Kong, beware!

But what about ptero-terror closer to home?

Find out on the next edition of

Pterodactyl Watch

The State of the News of the Roundtable

Today marks the one month* anniversary of the creation of the online version of the News of the Roundtable. Here's how we're doing:

Articles posted (not including this one): 18
Days up: 29
Articles per day: 0.62 (4.3 per week)
Authors: 3
Questions that the Tuber was asked: 1
Huge programming projects which were proposed but will probably never materialize: 1
Most common tags:

• Pterodactyl (used 6 times)
• Arash (used 5 times)
• Friday (used 4 times)
  
• Madness (used 4 times)
• Classy (used 3 times)
  
• Hirschfeeeld (used 3 times)
• Hirschfeld (used 3 times)
• VH1 (used 3 times)

 And, finally, the poll results:

By now, Arash's classiness is well known, but this confirms it.

Also, Senior Medley. Heh.

Something of a split here. Everyone seems to agree that Pterodactyls are not Too Classy, but other than that, there wasn't all that much agreement, although everything clusters around Pterodactyls being Moderately Classy.

Wow. Kanye West! Such a threat to classiness in the world today. (Strangely, no one shared my fears that Antiques Roadshow would make the world Too Classy - people seem much more worried about Underclassification than Overclassification.) Also, who voted for PLP?


*: A 'month' is defined as 4 weeks. Your results may vary.

Coming Soon...

I think that by the end of the semester, I might just have enough programming skill to pull this off. Send any and all suggestions you may have to askthetuber@gmail.com .

Pterodactyl Watch: Arizona

Editor's note: We wish you a merry Roundtable Friday, we wish you a merry Roundtable Friday, we wish you a merry Roundtable Friday, and a happy New Year.

Please be sure to view our latest contributor (WickedJumbo)'s new article about Kanye West, below.

Also, be sure to vote in our poll (down and to the right) so we can get some idea of about how many people actually read this thing.

By now, all readers of the News of the Roundtable should know that Pterodactyls are dangerous. They should even know how to identify them. But how can we prove the danger to our skeptical neighbors?
In the first entry in our new Pterodactyl Watch series, we travel to the remote and inhospitable deserts of Arizona. We met there with an Old Man, who had the added distinction of being Native American and thus knowing the myths related to this area.

"In the ancient days, just after the World was created (almost one thousand years ago!), there were four tribes of men: the Yellow Men, the Black Men, the White Men, and the Red Men."

Clearly, he means Asians, Black People, White people, and Native Americans. Moving on to the interesting bits:

"...No one really cares about the Yellow, Black, and White Men. But the Red Men - they lived here. All of them; anything you hear about different tribes of Red Men, especially if they are fighting each other, is a filthy lie. Made by filthy liars..."

Can you get to the point already, Old Man?

"...And the Red Men would farm in the valleys, but they would live in the cliffs. Why would they live in the cliffs? Not because they were afraid of other Red Men.  As I already said, all the Red Men were friends and living together - and anyone who says otherwise is one of those aforementioned filthy liars. They would live in the cliffs because if they were in the valleys for too long, they would get snatched up and eaten by the winged dinosaurs."

So there you have it - from the Old Man's lips to our ears. There were Pterodactyls in Arizona less than a thousand years ago. Thus, the scientists were obviously lying.

PTERODACTYLS ARE STILL AMONG US!!!

But why were they in Arizona specifically? For that, we turned to a random New Age mystic guy. We even managed to make sure he wasn't high during the interview!

"Tourists come to this place because of the Vortices (that's plural of Vortex, folks!). Each Vortex has mystical magical powers that we cannot even comprehend. They cause U.F.O. sightings. They cause madmen. They cause miracles."

And, presumably, they attract Pterodactyls. But are these Vortices only in Arizona?

"Vorticies are the cause of many previously unexplained phenomena. There are Vorticies in New York's Hudson Valley..."

Finally, an explanation for why Monsey is so weird! There are Vorticies there!

"We should all pray to the Vorticies, because-"

Whoa (Whooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa), hey. We don't need that kinda talk around here.

---

And so you have it. There are Vorticies in Arizona. They attract Pterodactyls. The Pterodactyls eat the Indians. It's a food chain. And proof of the Ptero-terror threat.
Where is the next target of the ptero-terror? Is it the Hudson Valley, which also has Vorticies? Is the Hudson Valley already pterritory? Could your peaceful town be next?

Find out on the next edition of

Pterodactyl Watch

Kevin's note: Some of these quotes are actually real. There was an old Native American guy who said more or less the same thing as he did in this story - including the bit about Indians being eaten by winged dinosaurs. The New Age weirdo did say there were vorticies in both Arizona and the Hudson Valley. Is this a coincidence? I think not. It must be a pterodactylian plot!
 

A Message From our Persian Friend

‫زندگی آنجا در سالگی ده سن تا و ]منبع نیازمند[شد زاده تهران در آرش‬
‫سوئد به او هشتاد دهه اواخر در .کرد مهاجرت اروپا به آن از پس .کرد‬
‫۵ مدت به و رفتند آپسالا نام با شهری به آغاز در اشخانواده و آرش .رفت‬
‫هنوز آرش که جایی .رفتند مالمو به آپسالا از سپس و ماندند آنجا در سال‬
‫.میکند زندگی آنجا در‬

Yummy, Yummy Pterodactyls... Open Up Wide!!!

Reprinted from Issue II of NotR: Print Edition (March 29, 2009)
They are among us! I am, of course talking about the existence of pterodactyls. There are numerous videos put up on YouTube by the few brave souls who are willing to recognize their existence. These videos show clear pteradactylishness in the figures they expose and are essential to the survival of our great nation. Although many fellow YouTubers try desperately to disclaim these obvious sightings due to their blind fear i.e. (referring to said majestic videos) “NO s%&! It’s fake the dam things say fiction in the description section dam people lets read” and “that video is more fake than my ex girlfriends orgasms”, we must recognize times are a changing and we must change with them. Even worse than the poor ignorant souls who ignore the facts are those who amalgamate their biases and anger into a stewing pot of hatred. Behold this scornful line from a Youtube viewer “There teridaptal imitation sounds like some black kid from some movies... call me racist but isten to the voice.” Aside from the atrocious spelling error (that’s the first thing they teach us in 1st grade, P after T except in Pterodactyl) this is the kind of pessimism that will lead us into a depression. The Pterodactyls and their fellow Pterosaurs will turn on us in conjunction with the megalodons, unicorns, griffins and Labradors (yes, they’re mythical) and Iranians (them too) and forget about America, get used to the Pteromegacornius griffindor republic of Iran. If you don’t trust that the A-rabs and the Pterodactyls are in cahoots, how do you think Arash gets his bicycle to defy gravity? You never noticed that massive, green-winged creature right beneath him did you? If we don’t start appreciating the Pterodactyls immediately they will go over completely to the other side and take over the world. They would leave no one alive except for 2 people of each race that they would use to satiate their demonic impulses. They would store these people in a ark and fly around and colonize the whole planet Instead of the beloved days of the week we know (see chart of classiness for details) there will be sodomy-to-western-culture-Sunday, Mangle-pre-marital-doers-Monday, gypsy-tossing-Tuesday, Jew-whipping-Wednesday, thwart-democracy Thursday, and orphan strangle Saturday. There will be no Fridays, everyone knows Arabs don’t believe in Fridays. Unless you want Iranian singer/songwriters to be flying around in bicycles and prehistoric creatures ruling the sky listen to my words. If you are a fiend, and you want to stop this horrific but imminent world of the future you will rise up and show that Friday does exist and it comes with a roundtable. Stop the mistreatment of mythical creatures. Save the Pterodactyls. Peace to all.