The Large Classiness Supercollector: Delightful Development or Doomsday Device?

Editor's note: Stay tuned for special events on November 5 and 11. More information will be released at the appropriate time(s).

New Jersey is a land of contrasts, a land where most things are simply awful, but, if you can navigate the crazy road layouts, the chemical factories, the swamps, and Atlantic City you will find a few places that are, for lack of better words, simply very classy. Take, for example, Chickies. Or, if you prefer, the Original Round Table.

Another such place would be the Institute for Advanced Classiness, in Princeton. While most of New Jersey is wallowing in filth, the Institute stands as a beacon of classiness for the entire world.

But that might be changing.

A new experiment is underway in Princeton, and it may very well change every aspect of classiness. And therin lies the danger.

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The Large Classiness Supercollector, as this experiment is called, is based on a very simple, but very disputed, assumption, namely, that classiness can be measured, and, more importantly calculated.

"A central point of the Scientific Revolution was that mathematics can be used to describe every aspect of this world," says the Institute's director, Doctor Sir Klassman von Leibniz, Ph.D. "Yet somehow, mathematics never got around to describing classiness."

For better or for worse, Dr. von Leibniz changed that. His first groundbreaking paper, Methods For Derivation and Integration of Classiness, published in 1984, was hailed as a masterpeice by many Scholars of Classiness. But many others said it was the exact opposite. "It became evident, soon after the publication of von Leibniz's paper, that his attempts were backfiring incredibly," says one of von Leibniz's earliest foes, Cornell University Professor Neville Isaacson.

Von Leibniz admits that much of what is now known as Classimatics is flawed, perhaps even to the fundamental level. "In particular, the equation to predict just when something very classy becomes too classy is very problematic - perhaps even not completely possible."

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Before we let these wonderfully classy scientists blabber on about who's right and who isn't, perhaps we should examine just what the LCS is supposed to do.

The basic theory is simple. Large amounts of classiness in a relatively small area make that area classier. That was, of course, the entire premise behind Fancy Friday, and is relatively well-accepted by virtually all of the classy community.

The real question is just how far this effect can be extended - and, more importantly, at what point does it stop becoming safe and classy?

Many scholars believe in the Law of Diminishingly Classy Returns, namely, that the more classy stuff you collect, the less each individual item increases classiness by - until a point where adding more classy items does not increase classiness at all. This point is expected to be somewhere in the middle of the 'very classy' range.

Others still believe that the classiness increase never stops - but that after a certain point the collection crosses the line and simply becomes too classy.

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Dr. von Leibniz and his associates believe in this second view, yet are sure that they can collect just the right amount of classy objects to make the area just below the 'too classy' line - in other words, as classy as anywhere can get without becoming too classy. The surrounding areas will become classier because they are near the Large Classiness Supercollector, as their collection is called, and will in turn spread an affect that will make the entire world far classier. And since the effect is in New Jersey, the 'Great Classification' (as it is called) will make New Jersey from wasteland into class-land.

Not everyone is convinced. Those who believe in the Law of Diminishing Returns think that the Collector will never work, and is simply a waste of classy items that can be better used by donating them to schoolchildren in unclassy countries (the U.S. State Department spends millions of dollars on such projects each year, but every bit of classiness helps).

Those who agree that the classiness increase does not stop no matter who much classy material is supplied, but, on the other hand, disagree with the classiness or ability of math to predict this and other reactions see a far greater threat.

"There's nothing to stop it from going supercritical - nothing to stop it from just becoming classier and classier until it's so far beyond too classy that nothing can bring it back," says Archibald MacLeish Jr., son of former ICC president Archibald MacLeish (1900-1982). "And once that happens, it will take the rest of the world with it."
MacLeish says that if the LCS is ever completed, the world will, almost instantly, become far too classy. He envisions a day when "people dress like Kanye West except with bowties, when they watch Antiques Roadshow for fun, when they ride mammoths to work and Pterodactyls to school, when every man, woman, and child will own 3.14 elvish servants, when everyone drinks tea, and when Boro Boro by Arash is played so often that it actually starts to sound annoying." MacLeish thinks that this must not happen.

He is not alone. Recently, Random Canadian Guy Johhny Schmidtt sued the Institute for Advanced Classiness for "endangering my classiness." The Institute responded by saying that no one from Canada is classy anyway. The case is still in the Canadian Supreme Court. A few of the minor buildings in the Institute were burned down by Canadian mobs who were

1. very angry in general
   
2. very angry in particular because of the long car ride they had to travel to get to the Institute, and
3. very bored since the hockey season had just ended and the curling season hadn't yet begun.

 Classy people have also challenged the institute. But we'll talk about that later, won't we.

Pterodactyl Watch: Hong Kong

Just what does Google think of classiness? Let's find out, and expose a plot of pterodactylish feindishness, covering the entire world, from Monsey to Hong Kong.

Well. According to that handy-dandy chart, less people have searched for "Roundtable" recently, but there has actually been much more news about it. Just where is this news?

Wait. The third most frequent search for Roundtable came from... Canada!? Obviously Google's data is flawed. Somewhere as unclassy as Canada would never search for such a classy term. (Never mind what's going on with Hong Kong and Australia, which is also pretty sketchy.) So is Google's data flawed?
Surely not! Google got rich for being good with data, didn't they! So if Google's displaying something false, it must be because they are hiding something!
But are they hiding it for good or for ill?
Well, Google's motto is 'don't be evil'. But clearly Google lied on being evil: how else could anyone explain their failure to develop and expand on Google TiSP?
And if Google is evil, then they must always lie.
(Quod erat demonstrandum.)
But what is Google trying to hide? Perhaps, they are undergoing a quest to hide traces of their allies, the evil ptero-people! How else can you explain that a Google search for "Ptero-Terror" returns only four results, and none of them are this site (which, as we all know is obviously the classiest website on the internet)!
What does Google gain from its support of ptero-terror?
Well, we need to look at the statistics again. The second highest search rate for "Roundtable" was, if you remember, Hong Kong.
So, obviously, when Ptero-people rule the western hemisphere, Google will be ruling the east from their secret lair under the South China Sea. And their minions (according to Wikipedia, Hongkongers) will spread far and wide and will do whatever Google's Minions tend to do (programming, mostly).
But it will be to late, for we will be under the wonderful, terrible, great, awesome, fun, deadly, exciting reign of the pterodactyls.
Tell your freinds!
And when you see the Pterodactyls in the skies over Hong Kong, beware!

But what about ptero-terror closer to home?

Find out on the next edition of

Pterodactyl Watch

Ask The Tuber: Grammar Games!

The Frisch Tuber has received an email!

"CENSORED CENSORED or CENSORED? i hope youre spending your time writing this during class rather than going out/partying/girls. anyways u provide me with entertainment during my boredome so keep it up"

Well, whoever you are, we're glad to oblige. But because you didn't exactly ask me, the Tuber, a question, I'll just analyze all of your bad grammar instead.

Of course, analyzing grammar is remarkably unclassy. But it's even less classy to actually use bad grammar... you should be ashamed of yourself.

1. Always start sentences with a capital letter. Particularly when that letter is the word 'I.'
2. Is 'girls' a verb? But 'go out' and 'party' are. Perhaps we should create a new word. Girling. (It's like the sport of Curling except without the Canadianness).
3. 'u' is actually spelled 'you.' Shocking, is it not?
4. Is a 'boredome' a secret lair for bored people? Can I get one?
5. End sentences with periods. Otherwise... well, periods are important, for some reason.

I'm sorry we had to go through that. Don't make me do it again,

Keep it classy,

The Tuber

Send your questions to the Tuber at askthetuber@gmail.com .

Excerpts from the Book of Pittinsky

Translator's note: Historians like myself despaired when the Book of Pittinsky was stolen from its safe location in a hotel in Canada about one and a half years ago. Since no copies or translations of the Book were made, we feared that it and its story would be lost to the general public forever.
However, archaeological investigations at an alleged 'Yeshiva High School' in northern New Jersey revealed an amazingly well-preserved copy of the Book, complete with all three portions of the Book of Pittinsky, namely, The Book of Fiends, The Prophecies of Pittinsky, and The Book of Random Other Stuff.
One of the strangest facts about the Book is the veritable babel of languages it is written in. In the first chapter of The Prophecies of Pittinsky alone, fifteen different languages are used, including Quenya, French, Aramaic, Qwghlmian, Klingon, Farsi, and Pig Latin. Why so many languages, including many extremely unclassy ones, were used in the Book remains a question for scholars even today. It also makes the Book very annoying to translate.
Two chapters of the Book are included below: the last chapter of the Book of Fiends (chapter 42) and the first chapter of the Prophecies of Pittinsky. I hope they bring you classiness.

With all due respect,
Prof. Elwin Ransom 
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The Book of Fiends, Chapter 42

1)And, lo! in those days, men were real men, Hebrew teachers were real Israelis, and J――― was considered cute: 2)And before all, verily! at the apex of class and classiness alike, were the fiends: 3)And the school prospered from the fiends, and was enriched mightily, even unto the annals of the Book of Wikipedia was its name known: 4)And the fiends brought class, and classiness was amongst the people:
5)And it came to pass, in the fourth year of their reign, that is, the Ninth and Two Thousandth year of the Era of Commonness, that the fiends graduated, and were removed from the School: 6)And the people said "Woe! What shall become of us?" for the fiends had graduated: 7)And the school was darkened beneath the heavens, and its people were unclassy, for they wore unclassy clothes, and were promiscuous in the library but not in the parking lots: 8)And new grades arose, which had not known the fiends, and they exiled the pterodactyls, and replaced the round tables with square ones: 9)And they refused to be on a boat, and they sent in their reconciliation forms, yea! even unto the thousandth form:
10)And the school was conquered by the Class of 2010, and by the Class of 2011, and even by the class of 2012: 11)And the people cried out unto whatever deity(s) they happened to believe in at the time, saying, "Whence are the fiends that were with us in the days of yore, yea! even unto their days of graduation?: 12)Let them return, and be classy amongst us, such that we too may be classy:" 13)But the prayers of the people were unanswered, for the people were unclassy:
14)And it came to pass that all the grades that knew the fiends had graduated: 15)And in those days, all the teachers and administrators who had known the fiends had retired, lo! even unto Dr. Stein who sat in the principal's office: But the legend of the fiends lived on in the memories of the Faithful, and word of the Round Table was not forgotten beneath the heavens:

The Prophecies of Pittinsky, Chapter 1

1)And it was, in the fourth year since the Fiends had graduated, a Dude who was most certainly not an Angel of the L-RD came to me: 2)For he smelled like the leaf of the weeds of Maro and Juana, and his shirt was one of those really ugly Hawaiian things, and he sounded like yo momma: 3)At the place - you know, that little place upstairs that led to the roof - yeah, that place, I saw him: 4)And He started talking, and he looked a little funny: 5)Yea, almost like a fiend he looked: 6)And the Dude spoke unto me, saying: 7)"What do you see, son of whoever Pittinsky's father was?": 8)And I looked and I saw, and behold! there was a table in a shape I did not know: 9)And I said, "It is a table, but I know not its shape.": 10)And the Dude said unto me, "the table is round.": 11)And, behold! the table was round, and its circumference was Pi times its diameter: 12)And I asked unto the Dude, "What is the meaning of this?": 13)And the Dude said unto me, "just as you saw a round table, but did not know its shape, so too will classiness return unto your midst.": 14)And I rejoiced, for we would be classy once more: