Remembering Archibald

Editor's Note: Archibald MacLeish, one of the most influential figures in the history of classiness, was born 109 years ago today. The News of the Roundtable takes a look at this incredibly classy yet relatively unknown man.
Archibald MacLeish was born on November 5, 1900, to proud parents Ferdinand and Elizabeth MacLeish, in the London Hospital (now known as the Royal London Hospital). As he grew up, young Archibald demonstrated admirable classiness. Family and friends alike knew that this boy was something special.
Archibald grew up, as most living children do. When World War One broke out on July 28, 1914, Archibald tried to volunteer for the Royal Marines despite his young age. Realizing that his classiness could be valuable to the war effort, Archibald became the last drummer boy ever to serve in the Royal Armed Forces. He served with distinction in a number of engagements, including the battle of Amiens.
After the war, Archibald (still a young man of 18 years), founded a small clothing shop in central London. His remarkably classy articles of clothing sold well among the classy English upper class. And when England's King George V declared that the entire British Empire would soon hold a Fancy Friday, MacLeish became a millionaire almost overnight.

By this time, the Second World War was already brewing. The newly formed SIS believed that Archibald MacLeish's talents could be used for the good of the Allied Powers, and recruited him. He was placed in command of the European Division of the Royal Classiness Commission. While much of the RCC's actions are still classified, it is widely believed that the RCC in general and MacLeish in particular were instrumental in ensuring that German Forces did not use the incredibly classy Pickelhaube in battle. This declassification of German Forces is believe to have saved thousands of Allied lives.
As the war drew to a close, the Allied Powers began implementing their ideas for the future: the United Nations. A significant part of this would be the revival of the International Classiness Congress, which had been abandoned as part of the fallout from the Summer Picnic Massacre of 1782. The ICC would define and refine classiness throughout the world. However, a number of classy people, including MacLeish, lobbied against having the ICC part of the UN, based on the UN's remarkable unclassiness. Their request was granted, and in 1945, the ICC was founded as an independent body.
The ICC had traditionally contained only one member, and this new incarnation was no exception. There was little surprise when MacLeish's superior during the war, Rear Admiral Lord Nelson Cornwallis, was appointed to that high post. There was, however, plenty of surprise when Cornwallis was assassinated by a disgruntled Japanese ninja who had somehow survived the firebombing of Tokyo. With the classy community in disarray, Archibald MacLeish was expected to be appointed the next President of the ICC.
There was plenty more surprise when this completely failed to happen. Instead of Archibald, little-known Francis Esterhazy was chosen as the new ICC President.
Archibald returned to his clothing store. In addition, he began teaching classes in classiness at Cambridge University.
The years passed, at Archibald realized that the ICC's 'rule of one' could have disastrous side-effects. While the ICC concentrated classy leadership, it also left less classy people behind. With several of his wartime friends, Archibald MacLeish founded the International Association of Advanced Classiness People (IAACP), whose humble goal was to "cause advancement of classy people throughout the world."
When Esterhazy resigned from his post in disgrace in 1951, MacLeish was finally given the opportunity to take over. As new president of the ICC, MacLeish found himself in the middle of the Cold War, as Pinko Commie forces threatened to obliterate classiness once and for all. With more pressing issues at stake, MacLeish would temporarily disband the IAACP in what he would later call "the least classy move of my entire life." The IAACP would never recover.
Archibald MacLeish would hold the post of President of the ICC for 30 years, from 1951 to 1981 - through most of the Cold War. He retired in 1981 and died a year later. He was 82, and one of the most influential ICC Presidents of all time. Even a partial list of his accomplishments would be to long to fit in this article, so let it suffice to say that he had many accomplishments, and that they were instrumental in creating modern classiness as we know it.

The Large Classiness Supercollector: Delightful Development or Doomsday Device?

Editor's note: Stay tuned for special events on November 5 and 11. More information will be released at the appropriate time(s).

New Jersey is a land of contrasts, a land where most things are simply awful, but, if you can navigate the crazy road layouts, the chemical factories, the swamps, and Atlantic City you will find a few places that are, for lack of better words, simply very classy. Take, for example, Chickies. Or, if you prefer, the Original Round Table.

Another such place would be the Institute for Advanced Classiness, in Princeton. While most of New Jersey is wallowing in filth, the Institute stands as a beacon of classiness for the entire world.

But that might be changing.

A new experiment is underway in Princeton, and it may very well change every aspect of classiness. And therin lies the danger.

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The Large Classiness Supercollector, as this experiment is called, is based on a very simple, but very disputed, assumption, namely, that classiness can be measured, and, more importantly calculated.

"A central point of the Scientific Revolution was that mathematics can be used to describe every aspect of this world," says the Institute's director, Doctor Sir Klassman von Leibniz, Ph.D. "Yet somehow, mathematics never got around to describing classiness."

For better or for worse, Dr. von Leibniz changed that. His first groundbreaking paper, Methods For Derivation and Integration of Classiness, published in 1984, was hailed as a masterpeice by many Scholars of Classiness. But many others said it was the exact opposite. "It became evident, soon after the publication of von Leibniz's paper, that his attempts were backfiring incredibly," says one of von Leibniz's earliest foes, Cornell University Professor Neville Isaacson.

Von Leibniz admits that much of what is now known as Classimatics is flawed, perhaps even to the fundamental level. "In particular, the equation to predict just when something very classy becomes too classy is very problematic - perhaps even not completely possible."

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Before we let these wonderfully classy scientists blabber on about who's right and who isn't, perhaps we should examine just what the LCS is supposed to do.

The basic theory is simple. Large amounts of classiness in a relatively small area make that area classier. That was, of course, the entire premise behind Fancy Friday, and is relatively well-accepted by virtually all of the classy community.

The real question is just how far this effect can be extended - and, more importantly, at what point does it stop becoming safe and classy?

Many scholars believe in the Law of Diminishingly Classy Returns, namely, that the more classy stuff you collect, the less each individual item increases classiness by - until a point where adding more classy items does not increase classiness at all. This point is expected to be somewhere in the middle of the 'very classy' range.

Others still believe that the classiness increase never stops - but that after a certain point the collection crosses the line and simply becomes too classy.

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Dr. von Leibniz and his associates believe in this second view, yet are sure that they can collect just the right amount of classy objects to make the area just below the 'too classy' line - in other words, as classy as anywhere can get without becoming too classy. The surrounding areas will become classier because they are near the Large Classiness Supercollector, as their collection is called, and will in turn spread an affect that will make the entire world far classier. And since the effect is in New Jersey, the 'Great Classification' (as it is called) will make New Jersey from wasteland into class-land.

Not everyone is convinced. Those who believe in the Law of Diminishing Returns think that the Collector will never work, and is simply a waste of classy items that can be better used by donating them to schoolchildren in unclassy countries (the U.S. State Department spends millions of dollars on such projects each year, but every bit of classiness helps).

Those who agree that the classiness increase does not stop no matter who much classy material is supplied, but, on the other hand, disagree with the classiness or ability of math to predict this and other reactions see a far greater threat.

"There's nothing to stop it from going supercritical - nothing to stop it from just becoming classier and classier until it's so far beyond too classy that nothing can bring it back," says Archibald MacLeish Jr., son of former ICC president Archibald MacLeish (1900-1982). "And once that happens, it will take the rest of the world with it."
MacLeish says that if the LCS is ever completed, the world will, almost instantly, become far too classy. He envisions a day when "people dress like Kanye West except with bowties, when they watch Antiques Roadshow for fun, when they ride mammoths to work and Pterodactyls to school, when every man, woman, and child will own 3.14 elvish servants, when everyone drinks tea, and when Boro Boro by Arash is played so often that it actually starts to sound annoying." MacLeish thinks that this must not happen.

He is not alone. Recently, Random Canadian Guy Johhny Schmidtt sued the Institute for Advanced Classiness for "endangering my classiness." The Institute responded by saying that no one from Canada is classy anyway. The case is still in the Canadian Supreme Court. A few of the minor buildings in the Institute were burned down by Canadian mobs who were

1. very angry in general
   
2. very angry in particular because of the long car ride they had to travel to get to the Institute, and
3. very bored since the hockey season had just ended and the curling season hadn't yet begun.

 Classy people have also challenged the institute. But we'll talk about that later, won't we.

Defining and Refining Class, Classic, Classical, Classicalism, Etc.

Reprinted from Issue II, March 29, 2009.
Because of the inherent unclassiness of defining and explaining that which should be intuitive, i.e. the meanings of the above terms, consider the unclassy time spent writing this literature as a sacrifice for the greater classiness of society.

As strictly monitored by the ICC (International Classiness Congress-yes, it exists; no, you are probably not classy enough to join... few are as there are currently less than two members), the term classiness cannot be rigidly defined. Only examples on a one by one basis can be judged as being 'unclassy,' 'moderately classy,' 'classy,' or 'too classy.'

Note: things that are ‘too classy’ are obviously unclassy, but, for the sake of educating the ignorant, two categories were established. Also, ‘slightly classy’ was once a category but after the Summer Picnic Massacre of 1782 (two hundred campers went on a picnic in the Bolivian jungle wearing casual summer clothes and
top hats - they never returned), the ICC decided the category was too risky, and therefore, unclassy. The ICC doesn’t function based on any criteria other than classiness. For example, the deaths of the two hundred campers were irrelevant when compared to the unclassiness of the risk involved to maintain the category.

The ICC’s motto is: “Classiness should not mean, but be.” -Archibald MacLeish, former member (1900-1982). May his classiness serve as a beacon during these most unclassy of times.

Necessary Responses to:

• Unclassy Behavior: Ignore and look upon condescendingly.
• Moderately Classy Behavior: Advise on how to get to the next step.
• Classy Behavior: Respect, absorb and relish, but do not imitate for replication
  is not classy.
• Too Classy Behavior: Any means that will thwart the efforts of the perpetrator because the only thing worse than being unclassy is being too classy.