Book Review: The Somnambulist

First off, my apologies. Like our previous book review, the book I am about to mention is real. However, it may not be of as much interest to you. Nontheless, it is important to mention.

I normally read what might be considered not quite normal books. (But then again, reading books in and of itself is probably not quite normal in this day and age.) I am perfectly comfortable with, and to some extent, prefer, books in which, for example, Isaac Newton gets very angry about certain elements of the invention of Calculus. Or, as another example, in which the Trojan War is recreated with quantum mechanics. Or perhaps in which a stand in for J.R.R. Tolkein gets into a fistfight with the Devil and manages to kill him. (Yes, you heard that right. Step aside, Chuck Norris. Tolkein can kill the Devil with his bare hands!)

I don't normally mention books like these, except to people who I know to be interested in them. But The Somnambulist was different. It quite literally begged to be reviewed on the News of the Roundtable. On the very back of the book, a reviewer called it "one of the classiest entertainments I've read in a long, long time."

No. NO. NO.

Let's completely ignore the fact that the reviewer implies that classy entertainments must be readable. I'm a big fan of books - but I recognize that movies, TV shows, sporting events, and vidjagames have the potential to be extremely classy as well. And I'm sure even the biggest hater of books amongst the Fiends of the Roundtable would admit that it is theoretically possible to have a classy book.

The fact is, despite what this 'reviewer' said, The Somnambulist is anything but classy.

I'm not saying it's a bad book. I'm just not saying it's a great one - and, more importantly, it's hardly classy.

The book is set in Victorian London - to the best of my humble knowledge, that's a very classy place and time. If you don't believe me, take a look at the enclosed picture of some random Somwhat Important Victorian Dude that I found on Wikipedia. Observe his classy clothes and hat. Now consider that, in Victorian London, those clothes and hat were the standard garb for men. Is that classy, or is it just me?

(Actually, his hat is pretty ugly compared to the Victorian standard. But that's not the point.)

So merely because the book is set in Victorian London, one might assume that the book is classy. That is hardly the case.

First of all, hardly anything classy actually happens. Second of all, plenty of unclassy things happen.

Like, what was up with the bearded lady?

(Answer: you really don't want to know. And yes, the bearded lady did indeed play a major role in the plot.)

And how could that albino guy not have realized that his actions would end up killing his son?

(Answer: because he tried being classy, failed, and ended up showing us the idiot he really was.)

Most importantly, what was up with the milk?

(I have no idea! It was crazy! That was more of a mystery than the plot of the book was!)

Again, I'm not saying the book was especially bad.
I wasn't tortured while reading it.

I wasn't forced to stop reading (because otherwise I would go crazy) and then fake all future assignments based on the book through skilled use of Wikipedia.

And I didn't actually go crazy and summon otherworldly horrors as a result of reading it.

The book even had some redeeming features, like (Spoilers. Highlight if you want to read them.) Lovecraftian Schoolboys, Strange Cults, and Zombie Samuel Coleridge.

But really, it just wasn't all that great. And it most certainly was not classy.

If you for some reason want to purchase it, The Somnambulist is available in hardcover on Barnes & Noble's Website for the awfully low price of $3.99. But if I were you, I'd buy something better instead.

Remembering Archibald

Editor's Note: Archibald MacLeish, one of the most influential figures in the history of classiness, was born 109 years ago today. The News of the Roundtable takes a look at this incredibly classy yet relatively unknown man.
Archibald MacLeish was born on November 5, 1900, to proud parents Ferdinand and Elizabeth MacLeish, in the London Hospital (now known as the Royal London Hospital). As he grew up, young Archibald demonstrated admirable classiness. Family and friends alike knew that this boy was something special.
Archibald grew up, as most living children do. When World War One broke out on July 28, 1914, Archibald tried to volunteer for the Royal Marines despite his young age. Realizing that his classiness could be valuable to the war effort, Archibald became the last drummer boy ever to serve in the Royal Armed Forces. He served with distinction in a number of engagements, including the battle of Amiens.
After the war, Archibald (still a young man of 18 years), founded a small clothing shop in central London. His remarkably classy articles of clothing sold well among the classy English upper class. And when England's King George V declared that the entire British Empire would soon hold a Fancy Friday, MacLeish became a millionaire almost overnight.

By this time, the Second World War was already brewing. The newly formed SIS believed that Archibald MacLeish's talents could be used for the good of the Allied Powers, and recruited him. He was placed in command of the European Division of the Royal Classiness Commission. While much of the RCC's actions are still classified, it is widely believed that the RCC in general and MacLeish in particular were instrumental in ensuring that German Forces did not use the incredibly classy Pickelhaube in battle. This declassification of German Forces is believe to have saved thousands of Allied lives.
As the war drew to a close, the Allied Powers began implementing their ideas for the future: the United Nations. A significant part of this would be the revival of the International Classiness Congress, which had been abandoned as part of the fallout from the Summer Picnic Massacre of 1782. The ICC would define and refine classiness throughout the world. However, a number of classy people, including MacLeish, lobbied against having the ICC part of the UN, based on the UN's remarkable unclassiness. Their request was granted, and in 1945, the ICC was founded as an independent body.
The ICC had traditionally contained only one member, and this new incarnation was no exception. There was little surprise when MacLeish's superior during the war, Rear Admiral Lord Nelson Cornwallis, was appointed to that high post. There was, however, plenty of surprise when Cornwallis was assassinated by a disgruntled Japanese ninja who had somehow survived the firebombing of Tokyo. With the classy community in disarray, Archibald MacLeish was expected to be appointed the next President of the ICC.
There was plenty more surprise when this completely failed to happen. Instead of Archibald, little-known Francis Esterhazy was chosen as the new ICC President.
Archibald returned to his clothing store. In addition, he began teaching classes in classiness at Cambridge University.
The years passed, at Archibald realized that the ICC's 'rule of one' could have disastrous side-effects. While the ICC concentrated classy leadership, it also left less classy people behind. With several of his wartime friends, Archibald MacLeish founded the International Association of Advanced Classiness People (IAACP), whose humble goal was to "cause advancement of classy people throughout the world."
When Esterhazy resigned from his post in disgrace in 1951, MacLeish was finally given the opportunity to take over. As new president of the ICC, MacLeish found himself in the middle of the Cold War, as Pinko Commie forces threatened to obliterate classiness once and for all. With more pressing issues at stake, MacLeish would temporarily disband the IAACP in what he would later call "the least classy move of my entire life." The IAACP would never recover.
Archibald MacLeish would hold the post of President of the ICC for 30 years, from 1951 to 1981 - through most of the Cold War. He retired in 1981 and died a year later. He was 82, and one of the most influential ICC Presidents of all time. Even a partial list of his accomplishments would be to long to fit in this article, so let it suffice to say that he had many accomplishments, and that they were instrumental in creating modern classiness as we know it.