Book Review: The Somnambulist

First off, my apologies. Like our previous book review, the book I am about to mention is real. However, it may not be of as much interest to you. Nontheless, it is important to mention.

I normally read what might be considered not quite normal books. (But then again, reading books in and of itself is probably not quite normal in this day and age.) I am perfectly comfortable with, and to some extent, prefer, books in which, for example, Isaac Newton gets very angry about certain elements of the invention of Calculus. Or, as another example, in which the Trojan War is recreated with quantum mechanics. Or perhaps in which a stand in for J.R.R. Tolkein gets into a fistfight with the Devil and manages to kill him. (Yes, you heard that right. Step aside, Chuck Norris. Tolkein can kill the Devil with his bare hands!)

I don't normally mention books like these, except to people who I know to be interested in them. But The Somnambulist was different. It quite literally begged to be reviewed on the News of the Roundtable. On the very back of the book, a reviewer called it "one of the classiest entertainments I've read in a long, long time."

No. NO. NO.

Let's completely ignore the fact that the reviewer implies that classy entertainments must be readable. I'm a big fan of books - but I recognize that movies, TV shows, sporting events, and vidjagames have the potential to be extremely classy as well. And I'm sure even the biggest hater of books amongst the Fiends of the Roundtable would admit that it is theoretically possible to have a classy book.

The fact is, despite what this 'reviewer' said, The Somnambulist is anything but classy.

I'm not saying it's a bad book. I'm just not saying it's a great one - and, more importantly, it's hardly classy.

The book is set in Victorian London - to the best of my humble knowledge, that's a very classy place and time. If you don't believe me, take a look at the enclosed picture of some random Somwhat Important Victorian Dude that I found on Wikipedia. Observe his classy clothes and hat. Now consider that, in Victorian London, those clothes and hat were the standard garb for men. Is that classy, or is it just me?

(Actually, his hat is pretty ugly compared to the Victorian standard. But that's not the point.)

So merely because the book is set in Victorian London, one might assume that the book is classy. That is hardly the case.

First of all, hardly anything classy actually happens. Second of all, plenty of unclassy things happen.

Like, what was up with the bearded lady?

(Answer: you really don't want to know. And yes, the bearded lady did indeed play a major role in the plot.)

And how could that albino guy not have realized that his actions would end up killing his son?

(Answer: because he tried being classy, failed, and ended up showing us the idiot he really was.)

Most importantly, what was up with the milk?

(I have no idea! It was crazy! That was more of a mystery than the plot of the book was!)

Again, I'm not saying the book was especially bad.
I wasn't tortured while reading it.

I wasn't forced to stop reading (because otherwise I would go crazy) and then fake all future assignments based on the book through skilled use of Wikipedia.

And I didn't actually go crazy and summon otherworldly horrors as a result of reading it.

The book even had some redeeming features, like (Spoilers. Highlight if you want to read them.) Lovecraftian Schoolboys, Strange Cults, and Zombie Samuel Coleridge.

But really, it just wasn't all that great. And it most certainly was not classy.

If you for some reason want to purchase it, The Somnambulist is available in hardcover on Barnes & Noble's Website for the awfully low price of $3.99. But if I were you, I'd buy something better instead.

Excerpts from the Book of Pittinsky

Translator's note: Historians like myself despaired when the Book of Pittinsky was stolen from its safe location in a hotel in Canada about one and a half years ago. Since no copies or translations of the Book were made, we feared that it and its story would be lost to the general public forever.
However, archaeological investigations at an alleged 'Yeshiva High School' in northern New Jersey revealed an amazingly well-preserved copy of the Book, complete with all three portions of the Book of Pittinsky, namely, The Book of Fiends, The Prophecies of Pittinsky, and The Book of Random Other Stuff.
One of the strangest facts about the Book is the veritable babel of languages it is written in. In the first chapter of The Prophecies of Pittinsky alone, fifteen different languages are used, including Quenya, French, Aramaic, Qwghlmian, Klingon, Farsi, and Pig Latin. Why so many languages, including many extremely unclassy ones, were used in the Book remains a question for scholars even today. It also makes the Book very annoying to translate.
Two chapters of the Book are included below: the last chapter of the Book of Fiends (chapter 42) and the first chapter of the Prophecies of Pittinsky. I hope they bring you classiness.

With all due respect,
Prof. Elwin Ransom 
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The Book of Fiends, Chapter 42

1)And, lo! in those days, men were real men, Hebrew teachers were real Israelis, and J――― was considered cute: 2)And before all, verily! at the apex of class and classiness alike, were the fiends: 3)And the school prospered from the fiends, and was enriched mightily, even unto the annals of the Book of Wikipedia was its name known: 4)And the fiends brought class, and classiness was amongst the people:
5)And it came to pass, in the fourth year of their reign, that is, the Ninth and Two Thousandth year of the Era of Commonness, that the fiends graduated, and were removed from the School: 6)And the people said "Woe! What shall become of us?" for the fiends had graduated: 7)And the school was darkened beneath the heavens, and its people were unclassy, for they wore unclassy clothes, and were promiscuous in the library but not in the parking lots: 8)And new grades arose, which had not known the fiends, and they exiled the pterodactyls, and replaced the round tables with square ones: 9)And they refused to be on a boat, and they sent in their reconciliation forms, yea! even unto the thousandth form:
10)And the school was conquered by the Class of 2010, and by the Class of 2011, and even by the class of 2012: 11)And the people cried out unto whatever deity(s) they happened to believe in at the time, saying, "Whence are the fiends that were with us in the days of yore, yea! even unto their days of graduation?: 12)Let them return, and be classy amongst us, such that we too may be classy:" 13)But the prayers of the people were unanswered, for the people were unclassy:
14)And it came to pass that all the grades that knew the fiends had graduated: 15)And in those days, all the teachers and administrators who had known the fiends had retired, lo! even unto Dr. Stein who sat in the principal's office: But the legend of the fiends lived on in the memories of the Faithful, and word of the Round Table was not forgotten beneath the heavens:

The Prophecies of Pittinsky, Chapter 1

1)And it was, in the fourth year since the Fiends had graduated, a Dude who was most certainly not an Angel of the L-RD came to me: 2)For he smelled like the leaf of the weeds of Maro and Juana, and his shirt was one of those really ugly Hawaiian things, and he sounded like yo momma: 3)At the place - you know, that little place upstairs that led to the roof - yeah, that place, I saw him: 4)And He started talking, and he looked a little funny: 5)Yea, almost like a fiend he looked: 6)And the Dude spoke unto me, saying: 7)"What do you see, son of whoever Pittinsky's father was?": 8)And I looked and I saw, and behold! there was a table in a shape I did not know: 9)And I said, "It is a table, but I know not its shape.": 10)And the Dude said unto me, "the table is round.": 11)And, behold! the table was round, and its circumference was Pi times its diameter: 12)And I asked unto the Dude, "What is the meaning of this?": 13)And the Dude said unto me, "just as you saw a round table, but did not know its shape, so too will classiness return unto your midst.": 14)And I rejoiced, for we would be classy once more: