This is getting annoying

Does anyone actually read this? 'Cause all I know is that I (and perhaps once a month Shatzmaster3000 and perhaps once every 3 months WickedJumbo) am pretty much the only one posting here. It's getting annoying. I don't mind being a big part of this, if no one else wants the responsibility, but I do mind being the only one who's ever writing stuff here.

So here's the deal:

1. I continue programing the Arash game, because I'm cool like that. (I know, it doesn't work for some of you, and some of you don't see the bicycle. I'm working on it...)
2. I stop writing articles here.
3. People post articles (if they're already contributors to the blog. If they aren't contributors, they can send an email to askthetuber@gmail.com ; we will arrange it so that any articles contained in that email are published, and, if you want, the sender of the email will be added as a contributor).
4. For every article someone else posts, I'll post an article of my own.

There. That's a pretty good deal. I'm still doing more than half the work...
But until someone else posts/sends something, I'm on strike.

If you don't really care about the News of the Roundtable, we can end it here. But if you do care, it's time to work a little for it.

Happy Roundtable Friday. Make it a good one.

Nobody Expects Josh P――― Day!

Editor's Note: Posted an hour before Friday officially starts. I'm going to get to bed early. Also, be sure to check out the prototype Arash: Flying Bicycle game, below.

Nobody expects Josh P――― Day!

(Its chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear... Amongst its weaponry are such diverse elements as surprise, fear, nice red uniforms, and lack of fanatical devotion to the Pope... heh - that's a Monty Python reference, folks. Did I really need to tell you?)

Although his last name may have been censored to avoid cyberbullying, Fiends of the Roundtable surely know of this man's heroic quest to enter the greatest (or so he thinks) college in the history of this universe. (Although I'm told that the RCC two universes over might give it a run for its money.) I am speaking, of course, of the great and grand, awesome and amazing, cool and classy, blessed and bloated Cornell University.

Mr. P――― had always dreamed of going to Cornell University. He yearned to go to Cornell University. He dreamed of yearning to go to Cornell University.


And on December 11, 2008, exactly one year ago from today, Mr. P――― was admitted to that amazing school whose name I shall not repeat because I would have to put it in extra large letters and that would cause formatting problems.

But anyway. One year ago was the first ever Josh P――― Day. Today is the second one. Don't you feel special living through such a momentous occasion?

Some naysayers might claim that Josh P――― Day is unclassy, and should not be included on this most classy of blogs/online versions of fake newspapers. They are wrong. First of all, Cornell University is so special and classy that it automatically comes out in big letters. Fairless Dickinson University doesn't. Columbia University certainly doesn't. Only Cornell University is classy enough for that. The font size proves it. (Don't even get me started on John's 'Hopkin' Univeristy...)

Second, just think about Mr. P―――. Pretty classy guy, eh? Sure, he didn't write for the News of the Roundtable, but then again, neither did Archibald MacLeish. (Perhaps for completely different reasons, but, hey...)

Third, well, there is a third reason, but I'm not sure what.

Happy Josh P――― Day!

Arash: Flying Bicycle: Update!

Editor's note: The programmer was feeling lazy. Maybe the game will be up later...

I'm pleased to announce that our featured game, Arash: Flying Bicycle, is actively in development. Version 1.0, codenamed "Flying Circus," is scheduled to be released sometime in the upcoming Roundtable Friday.

You heard right, folks. The first version of Arash: Flying Bicycle is expected to be up and running before the Sabbath begins and Roundtable Friday ends.

I think it's time to throw in a screenshot. But I'm too lazy, so I'll just give you the photoshoped promo instead.

Version 1.0 is only a drop in the bucket compared to what I'm planning for Arash: Flying Bicycle, but it's complex enough to be a standalone game. Here's what I'm planning:

Arash: Flying Bicycle is written in Java because that's the only real programming language I know at the moment. Also, Java is useful because it won't only run on Windows, but also on Linux, FreeBSD, Solaris, OS/2, BeOS Haiku, Mac OS X and whatever other nutty operating systems you can dig up. (Editor's note: Java does work on OS X. The author just felt like crossing it out anyway. I'm sure you can understand...)

Version 1.0 will be similar to that stupid little game which I don't exactly remember how to describe. You'll know what I'm talking about when you see it. The object of the game is for the player, controlling Arash and his magical flying bicycle, to catch up to a car, which contains hot girls.

Version 1.5, codenamed "Flying Castle (Oh, wait, that was actually called Moving Castle, too bad),"  will be a minor upgrade of 1.0. Pretty much, a few better graphics.

The fun really starts with version 2.0, "Bycicle Built for (Version) Two," which will not only contain the "classic" Arash adventure from version 1.0, but also an all new campaign mode! Yes, we're going all out with a fully fledged fight for freedom and Fridays.

But surely, you ask, what could Arash do besides chase after girls? Well, save the world, for one thing. Besides, this isn't just a game for Arash, but for the entire News of the Roundtable. Fiends who are easily disturbed by such plot elements as 'Stairway to Heaven,' 'TI-89 Titanium with Laser Beams,' 'The Destruction of New Jersey,' 'being on a boat,' and 'President of the ICC' are advised not to play the campaign mode, because all of these options are expected to be included.

Versions 2.1 through 2.20 will be releases of new levels for the campaign mode. The working titles (which basically mean that I know what I'm talking about, and you don't) for all 21 levels are as follows:

1. Introducing a Very Handsome Man
2. Flying Bycicle
3. Man in the High Castle (Includes bonus cutscene: Anathem)
   
4. East of Eden
5. Many Waters
6. On a Boat (Includes bonus cutscene: Overclassing)
7. Storm of Swords
8. Caves of Steel
9. Paths of the Dead (Includes bonus cutscene: Fountains of Paradise)
10. Path of Heaven
11. Stairway to Heaven
12. Fires of Heaven (Includes bonus cutscene: Boom!)
13. Pebble in the Sky
14. Currents of Space
15. The Stars, like Dust (Includes bonus cutscene: Starship Titanic)
16. Leviathan
17. Iron Sunrise
18. The Naked Sun (Includes bonus cutscene: Chain Rule)
19. Return of the King
20. The Last Battle
21. Bonus Level (Includes bonus cutscene: Bonus Cutscene)

(Note: Most of those titles were references to books. Do not be alarmed! Few if any of those references will actually be used in the game.)

Yeah. Then we've got version 3.0, codenamed "Flying Fish," which will include our genius new multiplayer game, Superior Smashing Brethren (which is most certainly not a blatant ripoff of Super Smash Brothers. Oh, no.). All Fiends of the Roundtable are invited, nay, encouraged, to send a profile of themselves in to askthetuber@gmail.com for inclusion in this excitingly Superior Smashing madness! And probably to the campaign as well. (Note: please base your profile on how Super Smash bros. actually works. Feel free to submit multiple profiles for yourself, your friends, your worst enemies, &c.)

Then version 4.0 will have, um, what are we missing? Well, version 4.0 will be codenamed "Flying Friday," and will include anything that's missing, plus fixes to anything that needs fixing and upgrades to anything that needs upgrading. Version 4.0 will be the last version in the foreseeable future.

Yeah, I'm tired and lazy (Slapsgiving really wore me out!). Have a good Friday, keep it classy, and check back soon for Arash: Flying Bicycle: Version 1.0 (Flying Circus).

Well, This is Embarrassing: The Scheduling Fail of the Roundtable

In a number of important communications, we mentioned that an important matter would be posted today, November 11. Unfortunately, we made a grievous error. The correct post will be made tomorrow, Friday, November 12.
We apologize for the inconvenience. Keep it classy.
With all due respect,
Kevin

Introduction to the News of the Roundtable: For the Unenlightened

Certain "Roundtable evangelists," most notably, my co-blogger Shatzmaster3000 (did I spell that wrong?) seek to spread the Classiness that is the News of the Roundtable to the unenlightened. While I'm not sure what I think of that idea in general, it is important that any new converts we do receive know the meanings of some commonly used terms.

So, in alphabetical order, here are terms you should know:

Arash: Persian (which almost, but not quite, means the same thing as Iranian) music artist. Notable for chasing after girls and possesing a flying bycicle.

• Temptation Music Video (In particular, the flying bycicle is shown staring at 2:25 in this video.)
• Boro Boro Music Video

Book of Pittinsky: Not-at-all-holy scripture of the Roundtable. An excerpt will be posted soon.

Class: (Classy, Classiness, etc.) The primary virtue of the Roundtable. While it is hard to define, classiness is roughly equivalent to coolness, but more so. According to Wiktionary, class is "Admirable behavior; elegance." That's a better definition than I could ever write, so let's leave it there. Classy is an adjective form of class (i.e., "That's one classy hat."). Should not be confused with Classic (see next definition).

• The ICC President's groundbreaking article on classiness 

Classic: (Classical, Classicness, etc.) Both classy and old. For example, while a Beethoven symphony is classic, Arash's song "Boro Boro" is classy. How old a classy object must be to also be classic is relative. In general, classy people old enough to have gray hair (or, better yet, be dead) are old enough to also be classic. See also, previous definition.

Fancy Friday: A special Friday during which participants dress in their fanciest and classiest clothing, and preform classy acts such as, for example, croquet. The most recent Fancy Friday was on April 24, 2009.

Fashionable Friday: The fashion column of the News of the Roundtable. Written in part by yours truly.

• The first appearance of Fashionable Friday

Fiend: A member of a Roundtable. Just as a flock is made up of birds and an air force is made up of pterodactyls, so too is a Roundtable made up of fiends. Note that, despite certain colloquial uses of the word, fiends do not have to be high. Although many of them are...

Fourth Period: A time for lunch which has an above average concentration of fiends. So, for example, If you were eating lunch with three of your fiendly friends, that period of time could be called a fourth period.


Friday: The day of the week between Thursday and Saturday. Commonly considered the classiest day of the week. Most Fridays can be called Roundtable Fridays (see that definition). Certain Roundtable Fridays can be called Fancy Fridays.

Hirschfeld: (Often abbreviated as Hirschfeeeld.) A particularly insane and dangerous pterodactyl.


New Jersey: An awful place to be.


News of the Roundtable: You're reading it. The News of the Roundtable, or NotR for short, is the primary organ of the Roundtable, and is used for the spreading of classiness and related knowledge. The slogan of the News changes frequently, but always follows the same form: For ___ation and ____ation. The current slogan (as of this writing) is: For Eludication and Classification.

Parking Lot Promiscuity: (P.L.P.) Publicly promiscuous behavior in parking lots. Can also be used to refer to promiscuity in other places (for example, "The Pterodactyl was actively engaging in Library Promiscuity.").

Pterodactyl: The greatest threat to humanity, ever. While so-called 'scientists' claim that Pterodactyls died out ages ago, the News of the Roundtable knows the truth. Pterodactyls would normally be identifiable by their wings, but since they adopted disguises, they can now be identified by their unibrows.

Roundtable: A Round table. Roundtables are the symbols of classiness, and also meeting points for various classy people. Square and rectangular tables should be sat at, if able, during all non-Friday days to preserve the sanctity of Roundtables.

Roundtable Friday: The most frequent of the Roundtable's many observances. Roundtables should be sat at, if possible. In ancient days, the print edition of the News of the Roundtable was distributed on Roundtable Fridays.

Tuber: The semi-official mascot of the News of the Roundtable. The Tuber has a coloumn of his very own in the News, in which he will answer all of your questions! Send them to askthetuber@gmail.com.

VH1: This is madness! Yes, this is VH1!

Roundtable Friday: Reloaded

In my full official capacity of random nutty guy who

1. posts stuff on this blog
2. is taking a very intense math class, and
3. rambles on whenever he gives himself this kind of writing assignment,
   

I would like to welcome you, one and all, to Roundtable Friday: Reloaded. Unlike certain other 'reloaded' pieces of culture (i.e. The Matrix: Reloaded, The Teletubbies: Reloaded, and The Projectile Weapon That Might Hurt You or One of your Friends, Family Members, or Other Associates: Reloaded), I am confident, nay, sure, that Roundtable Friday: Reloaded will be unto the original (and now unfortunately past) Roundtable Friday as a very tasty dessert is to a very tasty meal.

For those of you who don't do well with analogies, I meant that I am sure Roundtable Friday: Reloaded is going to awesome in general, and Very Classy in particular.

So. Enough with the introductions. Here's what we're going to do:

• Digitalize and upload all of the paper editions of the News of the Roundtable - some of these have already been posted (look doooowwwnnn...)
• Add informative and interesting new articles, of great importance to all of you. For example, did you know that Pterodacyls have been recently sighted in Arizona? Or how about that certain Universities are offering classes in unclassiness? Or how about the Large Classiness Supercollector and the international controversy it has generated. Soon, you will...
• Reload Ask the Tuber. This has actually already been accomplished. Simply send all of your important questions to askthetuber@gmail.com ... and the Tuber will answer on this very page...
• And plenty more. I'll tell you later. I have classiness to work on.

If you want to help, we will be in contact. Send a message to askthetuber@gmail.com with your credentials and ideas or articles. We'll know what to do with it.

Muhahahahahaha...

With All Due Respect,


"Kevin" Root


P.S.: Why am I calling myself Root? Because I read to much. Now go away - or better, stay here, and help make the World... classy.

Oh, the real reason? I'm not giving away my name on the internet...

Fashionable Friday: Clothes

 Reprinted from Issue II of NotR: Print Edition (March 29, 2009)
 Perhaps the most popular fashion in the entire world is that of wearing clothes. Almost everyone in the world wears them. And, since they've been popular for thousands of years, you can be sure that they won't go out of style anytime soon.
Simple English Wikipedia defines clothes as “items which are made to cover part of the human body.” It goes on to say that clothes aren't just fashionable – they're also very practical. Clothes can protect you from heat, cold and even pestilent insects!
Many people wear clothes in red, yellow, blue, green, orange, purple, brown, and many other less publicized colors. For a classy look that's straight out of Central
Monsey, try wearing black and white clothes instead.
At the News of the Roundtable Headquarters there are two popular ways of wearing clothes. The first, involving collared shirts and khaki pants for boys and longish skirts and 'appropriate' shirts for girls, is far more prevalent. For a real 'rebel' look, try one of the “go to my office immediately” styles, like the newest line from Urban Doüek.

Fiendly Fashion Tip:

Chest Hair: All manly men have chest hair and are not ashamed to show it off. Try unbuttoning that third button on your shirt for increased viewability. Any other four cornered garments that restrict chest hair viewing should be removed. If you are sadly not well endowed with a manly tuft of chest hair try borrowing from someone’s back-mane.

Yummy, Yummy Pterodactyls... Open Up Wide!!!

Reprinted from Issue II of NotR: Print Edition (March 29, 2009)
They are among us! I am, of course talking about the existence of pterodactyls. There are numerous videos put up on YouTube by the few brave souls who are willing to recognize their existence. These videos show clear pteradactylishness in the figures they expose and are essential to the survival of our great nation. Although many fellow YouTubers try desperately to disclaim these obvious sightings due to their blind fear i.e. (referring to said majestic videos) “NO s%&! It’s fake the dam things say fiction in the description section dam people lets read” and “that video is more fake than my ex girlfriends orgasms”, we must recognize times are a changing and we must change with them. Even worse than the poor ignorant souls who ignore the facts are those who amalgamate their biases and anger into a stewing pot of hatred. Behold this scornful line from a Youtube viewer “There teridaptal imitation sounds like some black kid from some movies... call me racist but isten to the voice.” Aside from the atrocious spelling error (that’s the first thing they teach us in 1st grade, P after T except in Pterodactyl) this is the kind of pessimism that will lead us into a depression. The Pterodactyls and their fellow Pterosaurs will turn on us in conjunction with the megalodons, unicorns, griffins and Labradors (yes, they’re mythical) and Iranians (them too) and forget about America, get used to the Pteromegacornius griffindor republic of Iran. If you don’t trust that the A-rabs and the Pterodactyls are in cahoots, how do you think Arash gets his bicycle to defy gravity? You never noticed that massive, green-winged creature right beneath him did you? If we don’t start appreciating the Pterodactyls immediately they will go over completely to the other side and take over the world. They would leave no one alive except for 2 people of each race that they would use to satiate their demonic impulses. They would store these people in a ark and fly around and colonize the whole planet Instead of the beloved days of the week we know (see chart of classiness for details) there will be sodomy-to-western-culture-Sunday, Mangle-pre-marital-doers-Monday, gypsy-tossing-Tuesday, Jew-whipping-Wednesday, thwart-democracy Thursday, and orphan strangle Saturday. There will be no Fridays, everyone knows Arabs don’t believe in Fridays. Unless you want Iranian singer/songwriters to be flying around in bicycles and prehistoric creatures ruling the sky listen to my words. If you are a fiend, and you want to stop this horrific but imminent world of the future you will rise up and show that Friday does exist and it comes with a roundtable. Stop the mistreatment of mythical creatures. Save the Pterodactyls. Peace to all.