Introduction to the News of the Roundtable: For the Unenlightened

Certain "Roundtable evangelists," most notably, my co-blogger Shatzmaster3000 (did I spell that wrong?) seek to spread the Classiness that is the News of the Roundtable to the unenlightened. While I'm not sure what I think of that idea in general, it is important that any new converts we do receive know the meanings of some commonly used terms.

So, in alphabetical order, here are terms you should know:

Arash: Persian (which almost, but not quite, means the same thing as Iranian) music artist. Notable for chasing after girls and possesing a flying bycicle.

• Temptation Music Video (In particular, the flying bycicle is shown staring at 2:25 in this video.)
• Boro Boro Music Video

Book of Pittinsky: Not-at-all-holy scripture of the Roundtable. An excerpt will be posted soon.

Class: (Classy, Classiness, etc.) The primary virtue of the Roundtable. While it is hard to define, classiness is roughly equivalent to coolness, but more so. According to Wiktionary, class is "Admirable behavior; elegance." That's a better definition than I could ever write, so let's leave it there. Classy is an adjective form of class (i.e., "That's one classy hat."). Should not be confused with Classic (see next definition).

• The ICC President's groundbreaking article on classiness 

Classic: (Classical, Classicness, etc.) Both classy and old. For example, while a Beethoven symphony is classic, Arash's song "Boro Boro" is classy. How old a classy object must be to also be classic is relative. In general, classy people old enough to have gray hair (or, better yet, be dead) are old enough to also be classic. See also, previous definition.

Fancy Friday: A special Friday during which participants dress in their fanciest and classiest clothing, and preform classy acts such as, for example, croquet. The most recent Fancy Friday was on April 24, 2009.

Fashionable Friday: The fashion column of the News of the Roundtable. Written in part by yours truly.

• The first appearance of Fashionable Friday

Fiend: A member of a Roundtable. Just as a flock is made up of birds and an air force is made up of pterodactyls, so too is a Roundtable made up of fiends. Note that, despite certain colloquial uses of the word, fiends do not have to be high. Although many of them are...

Fourth Period: A time for lunch which has an above average concentration of fiends. So, for example, If you were eating lunch with three of your fiendly friends, that period of time could be called a fourth period.


Friday: The day of the week between Thursday and Saturday. Commonly considered the classiest day of the week. Most Fridays can be called Roundtable Fridays (see that definition). Certain Roundtable Fridays can be called Fancy Fridays.

Hirschfeld: (Often abbreviated as Hirschfeeeld.) A particularly insane and dangerous pterodactyl.


New Jersey: An awful place to be.


News of the Roundtable: You're reading it. The News of the Roundtable, or NotR for short, is the primary organ of the Roundtable, and is used for the spreading of classiness and related knowledge. The slogan of the News changes frequently, but always follows the same form: For ___ation and ____ation. The current slogan (as of this writing) is: For Eludication and Classification.

Parking Lot Promiscuity: (P.L.P.) Publicly promiscuous behavior in parking lots. Can also be used to refer to promiscuity in other places (for example, "The Pterodactyl was actively engaging in Library Promiscuity.").

Pterodactyl: The greatest threat to humanity, ever. While so-called 'scientists' claim that Pterodactyls died out ages ago, the News of the Roundtable knows the truth. Pterodactyls would normally be identifiable by their wings, but since they adopted disguises, they can now be identified by their unibrows.

Roundtable: A Round table. Roundtables are the symbols of classiness, and also meeting points for various classy people. Square and rectangular tables should be sat at, if able, during all non-Friday days to preserve the sanctity of Roundtables.

Roundtable Friday: The most frequent of the Roundtable's many observances. Roundtables should be sat at, if possible. In ancient days, the print edition of the News of the Roundtable was distributed on Roundtable Fridays.

Tuber: The semi-official mascot of the News of the Roundtable. The Tuber has a coloumn of his very own in the News, in which he will answer all of your questions! Send them to askthetuber@gmail.com.

VH1: This is madness! Yes, this is VH1!

Fourth Period Lunch Subculture

Reprinted from Issue II, March 29, 2009. 
It is not often that one group of people can experience such drastic change in one year, but the fourth period lunch brigade has made an unprecedented transformation. In recent weeks, it has become increasingly clear that every member of fourth period lunch is becoming exactly the same person. What once started off as a table full of individuals with unique personalities and interests has turned into one cohesive unit in which no one has any of their own thoughts or ideas. People around the school have taken notice of this revolution and Rabbis from throughout the school have come up with names such as “The Fourth Musketeers”, “The Fantastic Fourth”.

One can often walk by the table and hear a screaming of “Woahh!” by any number of students, even those one would never suspect to scream something with such reckless abandon just a few weeks ago. Added one forty year old
student, when asked about the Fourth Period Lunch Brigade, “Hirchsfeeeld!” On any given day, the brunt of the conversation, or rather random outbursts,
coming from the table revolves around exaggerated drug use, the poor quality of the yearbook, and blue jello. Every member of the lunch period now
possesses the same level of “gansgta flare” and can often be found assaulting unsuspecting English and Health teachers, regardless of how innocent they may have once been.