Pterodactyl Watch: Arizona

Editor's note: We wish you a merry Roundtable Friday, we wish you a merry Roundtable Friday, we wish you a merry Roundtable Friday, and a happy New Year.

Please be sure to view our latest contributor (WickedJumbo)'s new article about Kanye West, below.

Also, be sure to vote in our poll (down and to the right) so we can get some idea of about how many people actually read this thing.

By now, all readers of the News of the Roundtable should know that Pterodactyls are dangerous. They should even know how to identify them. But how can we prove the danger to our skeptical neighbors?
In the first entry in our new Pterodactyl Watch series, we travel to the remote and inhospitable deserts of Arizona. We met there with an Old Man, who had the added distinction of being Native American and thus knowing the myths related to this area.

"In the ancient days, just after the World was created (almost one thousand years ago!), there were four tribes of men: the Yellow Men, the Black Men, the White Men, and the Red Men."

Clearly, he means Asians, Black People, White people, and Native Americans. Moving on to the interesting bits:

"...No one really cares about the Yellow, Black, and White Men. But the Red Men - they lived here. All of them; anything you hear about different tribes of Red Men, especially if they are fighting each other, is a filthy lie. Made by filthy liars..."

Can you get to the point already, Old Man?

"...And the Red Men would farm in the valleys, but they would live in the cliffs. Why would they live in the cliffs? Not because they were afraid of other Red Men.  As I already said, all the Red Men were friends and living together - and anyone who says otherwise is one of those aforementioned filthy liars. They would live in the cliffs because if they were in the valleys for too long, they would get snatched up and eaten by the winged dinosaurs."

So there you have it - from the Old Man's lips to our ears. There were Pterodactyls in Arizona less than a thousand years ago. Thus, the scientists were obviously lying.

PTERODACTYLS ARE STILL AMONG US!!!

But why were they in Arizona specifically? For that, we turned to a random New Age mystic guy. We even managed to make sure he wasn't high during the interview!

"Tourists come to this place because of the Vortices (that's plural of Vortex, folks!). Each Vortex has mystical magical powers that we cannot even comprehend. They cause U.F.O. sightings. They cause madmen. They cause miracles."

And, presumably, they attract Pterodactyls. But are these Vortices only in Arizona?

"Vorticies are the cause of many previously unexplained phenomena. There are Vorticies in New York's Hudson Valley..."

Finally, an explanation for why Monsey is so weird! There are Vorticies there!

"We should all pray to the Vorticies, because-"

Whoa (Whooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa), hey. We don't need that kinda talk around here.

---

And so you have it. There are Vorticies in Arizona. They attract Pterodactyls. The Pterodactyls eat the Indians. It's a food chain. And proof of the Ptero-terror threat.
Where is the next target of the ptero-terror? Is it the Hudson Valley, which also has Vorticies? Is the Hudson Valley already pterritory? Could your peaceful town be next?

Find out on the next edition of

Pterodactyl Watch

Kevin's note: Some of these quotes are actually real. There was an old Native American guy who said more or less the same thing as he did in this story - including the bit about Indians being eaten by winged dinosaurs. The New Age weirdo did say there were vorticies in both Arizona and the Hudson Valley. Is this a coincidence? I think not. It must be a pterodactylian plot!
 

Yummy, Yummy Pterodactyls... Open Up Wide!!!

Reprinted from Issue II of NotR: Print Edition (March 29, 2009)
They are among us! I am, of course talking about the existence of pterodactyls. There are numerous videos put up on YouTube by the few brave souls who are willing to recognize their existence. These videos show clear pteradactylishness in the figures they expose and are essential to the survival of our great nation. Although many fellow YouTubers try desperately to disclaim these obvious sightings due to their blind fear i.e. (referring to said majestic videos) “NO s%&! It’s fake the dam things say fiction in the description section dam people lets read” and “that video is more fake than my ex girlfriends orgasms”, we must recognize times are a changing and we must change with them. Even worse than the poor ignorant souls who ignore the facts are those who amalgamate their biases and anger into a stewing pot of hatred. Behold this scornful line from a Youtube viewer “There teridaptal imitation sounds like some black kid from some movies... call me racist but isten to the voice.” Aside from the atrocious spelling error (that’s the first thing they teach us in 1st grade, P after T except in Pterodactyl) this is the kind of pessimism that will lead us into a depression. The Pterodactyls and their fellow Pterosaurs will turn on us in conjunction with the megalodons, unicorns, griffins and Labradors (yes, they’re mythical) and Iranians (them too) and forget about America, get used to the Pteromegacornius griffindor republic of Iran. If you don’t trust that the A-rabs and the Pterodactyls are in cahoots, how do you think Arash gets his bicycle to defy gravity? You never noticed that massive, green-winged creature right beneath him did you? If we don’t start appreciating the Pterodactyls immediately they will go over completely to the other side and take over the world. They would leave no one alive except for 2 people of each race that they would use to satiate their demonic impulses. They would store these people in a ark and fly around and colonize the whole planet Instead of the beloved days of the week we know (see chart of classiness for details) there will be sodomy-to-western-culture-Sunday, Mangle-pre-marital-doers-Monday, gypsy-tossing-Tuesday, Jew-whipping-Wednesday, thwart-democracy Thursday, and orphan strangle Saturday. There will be no Fridays, everyone knows Arabs don’t believe in Fridays. Unless you want Iranian singer/songwriters to be flying around in bicycles and prehistoric creatures ruling the sky listen to my words. If you are a fiend, and you want to stop this horrific but imminent world of the future you will rise up and show that Friday does exist and it comes with a roundtable. Stop the mistreatment of mythical creatures. Save the Pterodactyls. Peace to all.

Fourth Period Lunch Subculture

Reprinted from Issue II, March 29, 2009. 
It is not often that one group of people can experience such drastic change in one year, but the fourth period lunch brigade has made an unprecedented transformation. In recent weeks, it has become increasingly clear that every member of fourth period lunch is becoming exactly the same person. What once started off as a table full of individuals with unique personalities and interests has turned into one cohesive unit in which no one has any of their own thoughts or ideas. People around the school have taken notice of this revolution and Rabbis from throughout the school have come up with names such as “The Fourth Musketeers”, “The Fantastic Fourth”.

One can often walk by the table and hear a screaming of “Woahh!” by any number of students, even those one would never suspect to scream something with such reckless abandon just a few weeks ago. Added one forty year old
student, when asked about the Fourth Period Lunch Brigade, “Hirchsfeeeld!” On any given day, the brunt of the conversation, or rather random outbursts,
coming from the table revolves around exaggerated drug use, the poor quality of the yearbook, and blue jello. Every member of the lunch period now
possesses the same level of “gansgta flare” and can often be found assaulting unsuspecting English and Health teachers, regardless of how innocent they may have once been.