Arash: Flying Bicycle: Update!

Editor's note: The programmer was feeling lazy. Maybe the game will be up later...

I'm pleased to announce that our featured game, Arash: Flying Bicycle, is actively in development. Version 1.0, codenamed "Flying Circus," is scheduled to be released sometime in the upcoming Roundtable Friday.

You heard right, folks. The first version of Arash: Flying Bicycle is expected to be up and running before the Sabbath begins and Roundtable Friday ends.

I think it's time to throw in a screenshot. But I'm too lazy, so I'll just give you the photoshoped promo instead.

Version 1.0 is only a drop in the bucket compared to what I'm planning for Arash: Flying Bicycle, but it's complex enough to be a standalone game. Here's what I'm planning:

Arash: Flying Bicycle is written in Java because that's the only real programming language I know at the moment. Also, Java is useful because it won't only run on Windows, but also on Linux, FreeBSD, Solaris, OS/2, BeOS Haiku, Mac OS X and whatever other nutty operating systems you can dig up. (Editor's note: Java does work on OS X. The author just felt like crossing it out anyway. I'm sure you can understand...)

Version 1.0 will be similar to that stupid little game which I don't exactly remember how to describe. You'll know what I'm talking about when you see it. The object of the game is for the player, controlling Arash and his magical flying bicycle, to catch up to a car, which contains hot girls.

Version 1.5, codenamed "Flying Castle (Oh, wait, that was actually called Moving Castle, too bad),"  will be a minor upgrade of 1.0. Pretty much, a few better graphics.

The fun really starts with version 2.0, "Bycicle Built for (Version) Two," which will not only contain the "classic" Arash adventure from version 1.0, but also an all new campaign mode! Yes, we're going all out with a fully fledged fight for freedom and Fridays.

But surely, you ask, what could Arash do besides chase after girls? Well, save the world, for one thing. Besides, this isn't just a game for Arash, but for the entire News of the Roundtable. Fiends who are easily disturbed by such plot elements as 'Stairway to Heaven,' 'TI-89 Titanium with Laser Beams,' 'The Destruction of New Jersey,' 'being on a boat,' and 'President of the ICC' are advised not to play the campaign mode, because all of these options are expected to be included.

Versions 2.1 through 2.20 will be releases of new levels for the campaign mode. The working titles (which basically mean that I know what I'm talking about, and you don't) for all 21 levels are as follows:

1. Introducing a Very Handsome Man
2. Flying Bycicle
3. Man in the High Castle (Includes bonus cutscene: Anathem)
   
4. East of Eden
5. Many Waters
6. On a Boat (Includes bonus cutscene: Overclassing)
7. Storm of Swords
8. Caves of Steel
9. Paths of the Dead (Includes bonus cutscene: Fountains of Paradise)
10. Path of Heaven
11. Stairway to Heaven
12. Fires of Heaven (Includes bonus cutscene: Boom!)
13. Pebble in the Sky
14. Currents of Space
15. The Stars, like Dust (Includes bonus cutscene: Starship Titanic)
16. Leviathan
17. Iron Sunrise
18. The Naked Sun (Includes bonus cutscene: Chain Rule)
19. Return of the King
20. The Last Battle
21. Bonus Level (Includes bonus cutscene: Bonus Cutscene)

(Note: Most of those titles were references to books. Do not be alarmed! Few if any of those references will actually be used in the game.)

Yeah. Then we've got version 3.0, codenamed "Flying Fish," which will include our genius new multiplayer game, Superior Smashing Brethren (which is most certainly not a blatant ripoff of Super Smash Brothers. Oh, no.). All Fiends of the Roundtable are invited, nay, encouraged, to send a profile of themselves in to askthetuber@gmail.com for inclusion in this excitingly Superior Smashing madness! And probably to the campaign as well. (Note: please base your profile on how Super Smash bros. actually works. Feel free to submit multiple profiles for yourself, your friends, your worst enemies, &c.)

Then version 4.0 will have, um, what are we missing? Well, version 4.0 will be codenamed "Flying Friday," and will include anything that's missing, plus fixes to anything that needs fixing and upgrades to anything that needs upgrading. Version 4.0 will be the last version in the foreseeable future.

Yeah, I'm tired and lazy (Slapsgiving really wore me out!). Have a good Friday, keep it classy, and check back soon for Arash: Flying Bicycle: Version 1.0 (Flying Circus).

Roundtable Revealed: The Creation Of NOTR

Before the greatness of this story is lost forever, the dedicated readers of this finest of fake news sources will, for the first time, be able to read about the glorious and surprisingly humble beginnings of the News of the Round Table.
In order to ensure that the readers of NOTR get a complete storytelling, this author will do something that has traditionally been avoided to preserve the integrity of the stories run by NOTR:
I'm going to speak in the first person. Hopefully, this will be the last time I ever have to do this, violating one of the fundamental rules of my code of journalistic ethics. Which I shall post at another time.
The News of the Roundtable's existence is owed to many people/fiends, but mostly to one. That man is not the Pickup Artist. That man is Dmitri Martin. But I'll explain that later.
First I will recount the forming of the Fiends of the Roundtable. In a certain high school in the sad wasteland of New Jersey, the fiends were born. It started with the Fiendly Four: The Crazy Israeli Founder, The Unibrowed Fiend, the Multiple-Personalitied Fiend, and the Important Fiend. Sadly, as of this posting, none of the writers for this blog were among the Fiendly Four. I was, at best, an honorary fiend in the beginning. That original band of four was termed the "Fiends of the Roundtable" by the Founder on a fateful morning in the early days of Senior year. During the early days of fiendom, many of our conversations revolved around many of the topics you read of in our blog today: vh1, the pickup artist, pterodactyls, Arash, and Reputation Juice(weed).
Now, we of the Roundtable frequently had lunch together. For what seemed no particular reason, during the week we ate at rectangular tables. On Friday.......... Roundtables. One fateful friday, I ate at a rectangular table. The Unibrowed Fiend pointed out that it was wrong, and it was "Roundtable Friday". And so it begun.
Over the next few months, membership of the fiends grew, and with it, the fiendliness of our school. Gans Meltdown Tuesday was begun after somebody of the Gans persuasion had a meltdown at breakfast. As we of the fiends started visiting colleges, we were bestowed with college visitation names as prefixes to our birth names. These titles included: Horny, Reputation, Crazy Israeli, Yammy, Teppy-Tepp, Multiple-Personality, and Word-Association. It was during this time that the short-lived television show "Important Things With Dmitri Martin" came out. It was also during this time when both the Founding Fiend and the Unibrowed Fiend noticed the rising fiendosity levels of the school, and were disturbed by it. In fact, after initial enthusiasm, the Founding Fiend and the Unibrowed Fiend withdrew their support. The Unibrowed Fiend contributed one total article to NOTR. The Multiple-Personalitied Fiend contributed two. Eventually, NOTR also lost the support of the Important Fiend. But I will get to that later.
So one fateful night, I was watching "Important Things With Dmitri Martin". In this episode, he introduced the concept of "Fake Newspaper Friday", primarily to disturb old people in nursing homes(He also invented "Double Important Wednesdays". Dmitri Martin is an honorary fiend, though he doesn't even know it). Noticing the alliteration, I immediately texted the Important Fiend(who bears strong physical resemblance to Dmitri Martin). His response indicated that, partially due to frustrations with our school's crappy paper and our loads of free time, we should create a fake newspaper of our own. And thus, "The News Of The Roundtable" was born. Sadly, after an editorial career spanning three( well, two the third doesn't really count) issues, the Important Fiend withdrew from NOTR.
And there you have it. The beginning. Now I haven't told you everything(for example, the influence of a creature whose call is "whhhhhhoooooaaaaaaaaaaaa....." or the role of Shalom Bombay), but the gist of it. Now you understand. or are more confused. I don't really care.

Introduction to the News of the Roundtable: For the Unenlightened

Certain "Roundtable evangelists," most notably, my co-blogger Shatzmaster3000 (did I spell that wrong?) seek to spread the Classiness that is the News of the Roundtable to the unenlightened. While I'm not sure what I think of that idea in general, it is important that any new converts we do receive know the meanings of some commonly used terms.

So, in alphabetical order, here are terms you should know:

Arash: Persian (which almost, but not quite, means the same thing as Iranian) music artist. Notable for chasing after girls and possesing a flying bycicle.

• Temptation Music Video (In particular, the flying bycicle is shown staring at 2:25 in this video.)
• Boro Boro Music Video

Book of Pittinsky: Not-at-all-holy scripture of the Roundtable. An excerpt will be posted soon.

Class: (Classy, Classiness, etc.) The primary virtue of the Roundtable. While it is hard to define, classiness is roughly equivalent to coolness, but more so. According to Wiktionary, class is "Admirable behavior; elegance." That's a better definition than I could ever write, so let's leave it there. Classy is an adjective form of class (i.e., "That's one classy hat."). Should not be confused with Classic (see next definition).

• The ICC President's groundbreaking article on classiness 

Classic: (Classical, Classicness, etc.) Both classy and old. For example, while a Beethoven symphony is classic, Arash's song "Boro Boro" is classy. How old a classy object must be to also be classic is relative. In general, classy people old enough to have gray hair (or, better yet, be dead) are old enough to also be classic. See also, previous definition.

Fancy Friday: A special Friday during which participants dress in their fanciest and classiest clothing, and preform classy acts such as, for example, croquet. The most recent Fancy Friday was on April 24, 2009.

Fashionable Friday: The fashion column of the News of the Roundtable. Written in part by yours truly.

• The first appearance of Fashionable Friday

Fiend: A member of a Roundtable. Just as a flock is made up of birds and an air force is made up of pterodactyls, so too is a Roundtable made up of fiends. Note that, despite certain colloquial uses of the word, fiends do not have to be high. Although many of them are...

Fourth Period: A time for lunch which has an above average concentration of fiends. So, for example, If you were eating lunch with three of your fiendly friends, that period of time could be called a fourth period.


Friday: The day of the week between Thursday and Saturday. Commonly considered the classiest day of the week. Most Fridays can be called Roundtable Fridays (see that definition). Certain Roundtable Fridays can be called Fancy Fridays.

Hirschfeld: (Often abbreviated as Hirschfeeeld.) A particularly insane and dangerous pterodactyl.


New Jersey: An awful place to be.


News of the Roundtable: You're reading it. The News of the Roundtable, or NotR for short, is the primary organ of the Roundtable, and is used for the spreading of classiness and related knowledge. The slogan of the News changes frequently, but always follows the same form: For ___ation and ____ation. The current slogan (as of this writing) is: For Eludication and Classification.

Parking Lot Promiscuity: (P.L.P.) Publicly promiscuous behavior in parking lots. Can also be used to refer to promiscuity in other places (for example, "The Pterodactyl was actively engaging in Library Promiscuity.").

Pterodactyl: The greatest threat to humanity, ever. While so-called 'scientists' claim that Pterodactyls died out ages ago, the News of the Roundtable knows the truth. Pterodactyls would normally be identifiable by their wings, but since they adopted disguises, they can now be identified by their unibrows.

Roundtable: A Round table. Roundtables are the symbols of classiness, and also meeting points for various classy people. Square and rectangular tables should be sat at, if able, during all non-Friday days to preserve the sanctity of Roundtables.

Roundtable Friday: The most frequent of the Roundtable's many observances. Roundtables should be sat at, if possible. In ancient days, the print edition of the News of the Roundtable was distributed on Roundtable Fridays.

Tuber: The semi-official mascot of the News of the Roundtable. The Tuber has a coloumn of his very own in the News, in which he will answer all of your questions! Send them to askthetuber@gmail.com.

VH1: This is madness! Yes, this is VH1!