February 15 sucks. At least February 15, 2010 does. Why? Well in 2010 February 15 happens to be on a Monday. Already the worst day of the week. It also happens to be the day after Valentine's Day, meaning those lucky enough to have/find a significant other on that day, February 15 means a return to the real world (i.e. the one that doesn't put out). For those without a significant other, it means an end to a day where you weren't sickened by watching a couple consist of your friends act all couply, since they finally kept that shit private, if only for a day. And if you are both familiar with the horrors of the unclassiness and a veteran of the Birthright program, this day will forever live in infamy, as the day when the greatest thing in the world became tainted by the worst.
Tool Academy, a show where cuples go to vh1 to solve their couple issues(sidenote: if you think vh1 can solve your problems, the relationship-and your mental states- are beyond repair) got a third season on, where else, vh1. This season, one of the couples is made up of birthright alumni. from israel to vh1- heaven to hell is probably less painful. But weep, ye Roundtablers; if vh1 can corrupt even Birthright, it can corrupt anything. Even the iPad.
Showing posts with label VH1. Show all posts
Showing posts with label VH1. Show all posts
Monday, February 15, 2010
Friday, December 4, 2009
The Terrible Tragic Tale of Tiger
What has happened to the world? In the ever-constant battle of classiness versus unclassiness, unclassiness has recently scored a devastating victory over the tophat-wearing forces of classiness. The downfall of Tiger Woods, champion of golf(the second-classiest sport, behind only library-style crochet) is an unmitigated disaster.
The champion of this classic and classy sport had everything: charity organizations(always classy) many championships and titles(very much classy) and quite the attractive wife( not necessarily classy, but can't hurt). A series of events have undone this once classy individual. Or "transgressions". However you would like to put it.
First off, the car accident. It happens sometimes. It is, of corse, unclassy, but survivable. What really took the classiness away from Tiger is the same thing taking classiness away from television; vh1. When this so-called waitress, clearly upset with vh1's inability to fix her relationship on vh1's "Tool Academy", first claimed she had proof that she had been having an unclassy affair with Tiger, it could have been said that it was simply an effort to be put in the public eye, much like the whole vh1 thing was. But Tiger didn't deny it. And that hurt classiness almost as much as Gans Meltdown Tuesday. The forces of classiness must strike back. But how?
The champion of this classic and classy sport had everything: charity organizations(always classy) many championships and titles(very much classy) and quite the attractive wife( not necessarily classy, but can't hurt). A series of events have undone this once classy individual. Or "transgressions". However you would like to put it.
First off, the car accident. It happens sometimes. It is, of corse, unclassy, but survivable. What really took the classiness away from Tiger is the same thing taking classiness away from television; vh1. When this so-called waitress, clearly upset with vh1's inability to fix her relationship on vh1's "Tool Academy", first claimed she had proof that she had been having an unclassy affair with Tiger, it could have been said that it was simply an effort to be put in the public eye, much like the whole vh1 thing was. But Tiger didn't deny it. And that hurt classiness almost as much as Gans Meltdown Tuesday. The forces of classiness must strike back. But how?
Friday, October 16, 2009
CNN: The VH1 of News?
CNN was most certainly living up to these tasks. The segment that was showing as I passed was entitled (and I kid you not) Black Women and their Relationship with Hair.
Finally! The journalistic integrity this country (and the world) needs. Why talk about war, the economy, or the Monsey Chicken Scandal? We can talk about Black Women and their hair!
Upon closer inspection, though, this segment could be considered racist and sexist. I truly hope that CNN will follow this up with other hard-hitting stories, like White Men and their Relationship with Fingernails, or Asian Hermaphrodites and their Relationships with Eyeballs. (By the way, if anyone reading this is an Asian hermaphrodite, or indeed a hermaphrodite in general, please accept my sincere condolences.)
Because of CNN's obvious contributions to televised journalisim, I would like to nominate them for the position of The VH1 of News. After such a groundbreaking story, I'm sure we can all agree they deserve it.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Book Review: The Sexual Power of Marijuana
Yes, it's a real book. Sure, it's forty years old, but it's real. And seeing how more people are probably using viagra to solve their sexual problems, presumably the book has failed in its objectve to promote weed as a solution to any and all marital and relational issues. Sorry, Reputation.
However, this book is entertaining in how seriously it takes itself. The author quotes weed experts and users nationwide in an attempt to illustrate the then unproven physiological and psychological effects of herb. An illustration of how seriously the author took her work, the people she surveyed tended not to be hippies or teenagers. In fact, the people she interviewed tended to be in their mid-thirties. Some were even in their fifties.
Now that is just too old, at least if you aren't a musician or a celebrity, who are expected to pull these kinds of things until at least their late sixties, providing they survive that long. People with respectable jobs and families should not be wasting their hard earned cash on marijuana. That's just irresponsible. That money should be used towards something useful, like a college fund. or a motorcycle if they are experiencing a mid-life crisis. Or at least something awesome, like a clap-on fireplace or something. Not something sad that you should have stopped using in grad school when you actually started to use your brain.
This book has motivated me to come up with some kind of formula for figuring out at what ages, depending on profession, the allowable weed ages are. Furthermore, anybody under the age of fourteen shouldn't be going near the stuff. Here they are:
Medicine(Doctor, Surgeon, etc.)NEVER! I'm sorry, but if you are going to be responsible for people's health, you must be able to remain completely focused at all times. Always. Sorry, but no bud for you
Business(Finance, Accounting, Numbers-crunching type) It is quite understandable that the everyday boredom of your job requires some excitement. But do it the usual ways: womanizing, weekend beers, and company picnics. Too many people are depending on you for their financial security. Acceptable ages:16-whenever you get a job(hopefully in the 22-24 range)
Business(Marketing, Public Relations): Your job is to talk. Clearly. Smartly. And messing with your brain too much in its developmental stages is just detrimental to your profession. However, since most of what you do is bs, if you so choose there is a narrow window(17-20) where light use probably will not destroy your future. Probably.
Politician: who cares, as long as nobody finds out? You just hire people to write and do things for you. You just gotta look nice for the people and be able to read well. And make sure nobody finds out if you do. Meaning once you are actually working for the government, its best to start following the law. Ages:15-26
Lawyers, judges: If you are good at what you do, you can get away with it, since somehow youd find a way to get out of trouble. But the entire legal system is riding on you; don't screw the people over for your habits. Ages:18-23(law school)
Finally, Celebrities/musicians: You are expected to do this. In fact, weed is tame for you. In the interest in your health you should probably be careful, but when have you ever done that? Ages: 14-64 Exception: Miley Cyrus and anybody associated with VH1. You're already so unclassy and untalented that nobody gives a crap what happens to you. In the case of VH1, every show is probably fueled by weedheads. I know the contestants are puffing the magic dragon. Seeing as you are already failures and your presence makes the universe unclassy and you do nothing but ruin life for the good people of the world, nobody gives a shit what you do. In fact, anything that will get any of you to shut up or just go away for any amount of time is a good thing. Ages: 3-whenever you are done corrupting society.
For the record, NOTR is not supporting the use of herb. It's laying out guidelines for when criticism will be kept to a relative minimum. Or in the case of VH1 or Miley Cyrus, just illustrating nothing short of complete destruction, cancellation, or any form of getting out of the public eye will lessen the ripping.
However, this book is entertaining in how seriously it takes itself. The author quotes weed experts and users nationwide in an attempt to illustrate the then unproven physiological and psychological effects of herb. An illustration of how seriously the author took her work, the people she surveyed tended not to be hippies or teenagers. In fact, the people she interviewed tended to be in their mid-thirties. Some were even in their fifties.
Now that is just too old, at least if you aren't a musician or a celebrity, who are expected to pull these kinds of things until at least their late sixties, providing they survive that long. People with respectable jobs and families should not be wasting their hard earned cash on marijuana. That's just irresponsible. That money should be used towards something useful, like a college fund. or a motorcycle if they are experiencing a mid-life crisis. Or at least something awesome, like a clap-on fireplace or something. Not something sad that you should have stopped using in grad school when you actually started to use your brain.
This book has motivated me to come up with some kind of formula for figuring out at what ages, depending on profession, the allowable weed ages are. Furthermore, anybody under the age of fourteen shouldn't be going near the stuff. Here they are:
Medicine(Doctor, Surgeon, etc.)NEVER! I'm sorry, but if you are going to be responsible for people's health, you must be able to remain completely focused at all times. Always. Sorry, but no bud for you
Business(Finance, Accounting, Numbers-crunching type) It is quite understandable that the everyday boredom of your job requires some excitement. But do it the usual ways: womanizing, weekend beers, and company picnics. Too many people are depending on you for their financial security. Acceptable ages:16-whenever you get a job(hopefully in the 22-24 range)
Business(Marketing, Public Relations): Your job is to talk. Clearly. Smartly. And messing with your brain too much in its developmental stages is just detrimental to your profession. However, since most of what you do is bs, if you so choose there is a narrow window(17-20) where light use probably will not destroy your future. Probably.
Politician: who cares, as long as nobody finds out? You just hire people to write and do things for you. You just gotta look nice for the people and be able to read well. And make sure nobody finds out if you do. Meaning once you are actually working for the government, its best to start following the law. Ages:15-26
Lawyers, judges: If you are good at what you do, you can get away with it, since somehow youd find a way to get out of trouble. But the entire legal system is riding on you; don't screw the people over for your habits. Ages:18-23(law school)
Finally, Celebrities/musicians: You are expected to do this. In fact, weed is tame for you. In the interest in your health you should probably be careful, but when have you ever done that? Ages: 14-64 Exception: Miley Cyrus and anybody associated with VH1. You're already so unclassy and untalented that nobody gives a crap what happens to you. In the case of VH1, every show is probably fueled by weedheads. I know the contestants are puffing the magic dragon. Seeing as you are already failures and your presence makes the universe unclassy and you do nothing but ruin life for the good people of the world, nobody gives a shit what you do. In fact, anything that will get any of you to shut up or just go away for any amount of time is a good thing. Ages: 3-whenever you are done corrupting society.
For the record, NOTR is not supporting the use of herb. It's laying out guidelines for when criticism will be kept to a relative minimum. Or in the case of VH1 or Miley Cyrus, just illustrating nothing short of complete destruction, cancellation, or any form of getting out of the public eye will lessen the ripping.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Mr. West: an Exploration and Invocation
Editor's note: Welcome to the News of the Roundtable: Online Edition's latest contributor, WickedJumbo.
Every 14 year old girl's world was shattered sunday night when Kanye West, (heretofore to be referred to as Mr. West to retain what little semblance of dignity he still has) shocked the world by successfully getting his huge ego up to the stage in time to steal Taylor Swift's thunder, glory, moment, and whatever other superlatives receiving a VMA really deserve.
Now Mr. West, self proclaimed more famous than Jesus, God, Mystery, Matador, Tila Tequila, the Beatles, and even Daisy De la Hoya, is finally worthy of the highest honor one can be offered. An article in this esteemed paper designated solely to him; an honor shared only Arash, Basshunter, and the Senior Medley, so clearly Mr. West, you are in talented musical company.
And now the story of Dr. Kanye West, D.D.S.
Kanye hails from Chicago, in the deep dark midwest, home of Blagojevich, Michael Jordan, and Da Bears. Clearly his brain was affected by all the smog, snow, and subconscious response to being abused as a child by his stuffed rhinoceros because last time i checked, this:
"I'm sooooo sorry to Taylor Swift and her fans and her mom," he wrote. "I spoke to her mother right after and she said the same thing my mother would've said. She is very talented! I like the lyrics about being a cheerleader and she's in the bleachers! I'm in the wrong for going on stage and taking away from her moment!"Beyoncé's video was the best of this decade!!!! I'm sorry to my fans if I let you guys down!!!! I'm sorry to my friends at MTV. I will apologize to Taylor 2mrw. Welcome to the real world!!!! Everybody wanna booooo me but I'm a fan of real pop culture!!! No disrespect but we watchin' the show at the crib right now cause ... well you know!!!! I'm still happy for Taylor!!!! Boooyaaawwww!!!! You are very very talented!!! I gave my awards to Outkast when they deserved it over me ... That's what it is!!!!!!! I'm not crazy y'all, i'm just real. Sorry for that!!! I really feel bad for Taylor and I'm sincerely sorry!!! Much respect!!!!!"
was not considered rational human thought. However I can't really say I'm surprised by this spat of incoherence coming from the man whose platinum selling songs include lyrics such as
"Don't try to treat me like I ain't famous My apologies, are you into astrology Cause I'm, I'm tryin to make it to Uranus"
Clearly his lyrical genius aside, Kanye's greatest contribution to society must be his sense of style. How much more depressing a society would we live in if no one was walking around in plastic sunshades with bars instead of lenses, or wearing army boots at all times. What would we do if we suddenly needed to kick a Nazi dinosaur's ass on a sunny day without these irreplaceable advancements to the functionality and style of our collective wardrobes?
So thank you Mr. West, for finally taking an MTV program to the next level; the VH1 level. Not just anyone could have done what you did. I applaud your efforts and look forward to many more ridiculous attention-grabbing escapades for years to come, or until your career falls apart in 2 years and you follow the path of MC Hammer into oblivion and bankruptcy, whichever comes first.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Introduction to the News of the Roundtable: For the Unenlightened
Certain "Roundtable evangelists," most notably, my co-blogger Shatzmaster3000 (did I spell that wrong?) seek to spread the Classiness that is the News of the Roundtable to the unenlightened. While I'm not sure what I think of that idea in general, it is important that any new converts we do receive know the meanings of some commonly used terms.
So, in alphabetical order, here are terms you should know:
Arash: Persian (which almost, but not quite, means the same thing as Iranian) music artist. Notable for chasing after girls and possesing a flying bycicle.
Class: (Classy, Classiness, etc.) The primary virtue of the Roundtable. While it is hard to define, classiness is roughly equivalent to coolness, but more so. According to Wiktionary, class is "Admirable behavior; elegance." That's a better definition than I could ever write, so let's leave it there. Classy is an adjective form of class (i.e., "That's one classy hat."). Should not be confused with Classic (see next definition).
Classic: (Classical, Classicness, etc.) Both classy and old. For example, while a Beethoven symphony is classic, Arash's song "Boro Boro" is classy. How old a classy object must be to also be classic is relative. In general, classy people old enough to have gray hair (or, better yet, be dead) are old enough to also be classic. See also, previous definition.
Fancy Friday: A special Friday during which participants dress in their fanciest and classiest clothing, and preform classy acts such as, for example, croquet. The most recent Fancy Friday was on April 24, 2009.
Fashionable Friday: The fashion column of the News of the Roundtable. Written in part by yours truly.
Fiend: A member of a Roundtable. Just as a flock is made up of birds and an air force is made up of pterodactyls, so too is a Roundtable made up of fiends. Note that, despite certain colloquial uses of the word, fiends do not have to be high. Although many of them are...
Fourth Period: A time for lunch which has an above average concentration of fiends. So, for example, If you were eating lunch with three of your fiendly friends, that period of time could be called a fourth period.
Friday: The day of the week between Thursday and Saturday. Commonly considered the classiest day of the week. Most Fridays can be called Roundtable Fridays (see that definition). Certain Roundtable Fridays can be called Fancy Fridays.
Hirschfeld: (Often abbreviated as Hirschfeeeld.) A particularly insane and dangerous pterodactyl.
New Jersey: An awful place to be.
News of the Roundtable: You're reading it. The News of the Roundtable, or NotR for short, is the primary organ of the Roundtable, and is used for the spreading of classiness and related knowledge. The slogan of the News changes frequently, but always follows the same form: For ___ation and ____ation. The current slogan (as of this writing) is: For Eludication and Classification.
Parking Lot Promiscuity: (P.L.P.) Publicly promiscuous behavior in parking lots. Can also be used to refer to promiscuity in other places (for example, "The Pterodactyl was actively engaging in Library Promiscuity.").
Pterodactyl: The greatest threat to humanity, ever. While so-called 'scientists' claim that Pterodactyls died out ages ago, the News of the Roundtable knows the truth. Pterodactyls would normally be identifiable by their wings, but since they adopted disguises, they can now be identified by their unibrows.
Roundtable: A Round table. Roundtables are the symbols of classiness, and also meeting points for various classy people. Square and rectangular tables should be sat at, if able, during all non-Friday days to preserve the sanctity of Roundtables.
Roundtable Friday: The most frequent of the Roundtable's many observances. Roundtables should be sat at, if possible. In ancient days, the print edition of the News of the Roundtable was distributed on Roundtable Fridays.
Tuber: The semi-official mascot of the News of the Roundtable. The Tuber has a coloumn of his very own in the News, in which he will answer all of your questions! Send them to askthetuber@gmail.com.
VH1: This is madness! Yes, this is VH1!
So, in alphabetical order, here are terms you should know:
- Temptation Music Video (In particular, the flying bycicle is shown staring at 2:25 in this video.)
- Boro Boro Music Video
Class: (Classy, Classiness, etc.) The primary virtue of the Roundtable. While it is hard to define, classiness is roughly equivalent to coolness, but more so. According to Wiktionary, class is "Admirable behavior; elegance." That's a better definition than I could ever write, so let's leave it there. Classy is an adjective form of class (i.e., "That's one classy hat."). Should not be confused with Classic (see next definition).
Classic: (Classical, Classicness, etc.) Both classy and old. For example, while a Beethoven symphony is classic, Arash's song "Boro Boro" is classy. How old a classy object must be to also be classic is relative. In general, classy people old enough to have gray hair (or, better yet, be dead) are old enough to also be classic. See also, previous definition.
Fashionable Friday: The fashion column of the News of the Roundtable. Written in part by yours truly.
Fiend: A member of a Roundtable. Just as a flock is made up of birds and an air force is made up of pterodactyls, so too is a Roundtable made up of fiends. Note that, despite certain colloquial uses of the word, fiends do not have to be high. Although many of them are...
Fourth Period: A time for lunch which has an above average concentration of fiends. So, for example, If you were eating lunch with three of your fiendly friends, that period of time could be called a fourth period.
Friday: The day of the week between Thursday and Saturday. Commonly considered the classiest day of the week. Most Fridays can be called Roundtable Fridays (see that definition). Certain Roundtable Fridays can be called Fancy Fridays.
Hirschfeld: (Often abbreviated as Hirschfeeeld.) A particularly insane and dangerous pterodactyl.
New Jersey: An awful place to be.
News of the Roundtable: You're reading it. The News of the Roundtable, or NotR for short, is the primary organ of the Roundtable, and is used for the spreading of classiness and related knowledge. The slogan of the News changes frequently, but always follows the same form: For ___ation and ____ation. The current slogan (as of this writing) is: For Eludication and Classification.
Parking Lot Promiscuity: (P.L.P.) Publicly promiscuous behavior in parking lots. Can also be used to refer to promiscuity in other places (for example, "The Pterodactyl was actively engaging in Library Promiscuity.").
Pterodactyl: The greatest threat to humanity, ever. While so-called 'scientists' claim that Pterodactyls died out ages ago, the News of the Roundtable knows the truth. Pterodactyls would normally be identifiable by their wings, but since they adopted disguises, they can now be identified by their unibrows.
Roundtable: A Round table. Roundtables are the symbols of classiness, and also meeting points for various classy people. Square and rectangular tables should be sat at, if able, during all non-Friday days to preserve the sanctity of Roundtables.
Roundtable Friday: The most frequent of the Roundtable's many observances. Roundtables should be sat at, if possible. In ancient days, the print edition of the News of the Roundtable was distributed on Roundtable Fridays.
Tuber: The semi-official mascot of the News of the Roundtable. The Tuber has a coloumn of his very own in the News, in which he will answer all of your questions! Send them to askthetuber@gmail.com.
VH1: This is madness! Yes, this is VH1!
Monday, September 7, 2009
VH1 contestants actually insane. Shocker.
They created a show for an ex-contestant called "Megan Wants a Millionaire". Guess what that was about.
OK, who knows a millionaire who is so unable to get girls that he has to resort to VH1? those are not the kind of people you want hanging around, especially not competing for your affection. They're the kind of people who if they were less rich would appear on "The Pick-Up Artist".As it just so happens, "Megan Wants a Millionaire" was recently canceled. But VH1 will just crank out another ridiculous reality show to replace it. Or just another season of "Rock of Love".
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