'Classic' SYSCO: Truth in Advertising?

Undercover investigators have disguised themselves as 'observant students' and infiltrated a Kosher Food Establishment at the University of Maryland. Their findings are shocking.

Said Kosher Food Establishment's main supplier, SYSCO, bills itself as 'classic.'

We went to SYSCO's website to see if they had an explanation for this claim. What we found reminded us of some of the worst articles ever written for the News of the Roundtable.

(The News of the Roundtable has two types of really awful articles: The first type are those in which the random nerdy guy blabbers on about science and math without any regard to keeping the discussion classy. Hi! The second type of article is awfully edited, awfully written, seems to be the ravings of a deranged and/or high pterodactyl, and would probably get an F if graded by even the classiest of English teachers. SYSCO's explanation falls into the latter category.)

Let's take a look:

(Source: http://www.sysco.com/products/sysco_brands.html)

Did you understand any of that?

I think not.

(I could demonstrate the errors in this all day. But I won't; someone might die of boredom. I'll just give one example: if 'Imperial SYSCO' is 'Simply Excellent,' shouldn't it be called 'Excellent SYSCO?')

But we don't care about the differences between Imperial SYSCO and Supreme SYSCO. We care if Classic SYSCO is really classic.

Well, as you may remember, it is nearly universally agreed upon that something classic must be both classy and old. Let's tackle the easy one first. Is classic SYSCO old?

Well, according to 'The SYSCO Story' (parents, this is quite an amazing story. You should read this to your kids for bedtime) SYSCO had its 'initial public offering in 1970.' So it's not amazingly old, but it's older than me. We'll let it slide.

But is SYSCO classy?

I'll simplify things right now: it is not. Because of interference by the Three-thousandth Master of Shatz, proof of SYSCO's unclassiness is left as an exercise in logic for the reader.


So, apparently SYSCO is old, but not classy.

Therefore, SYSCO is guilty of false advertising. They are most certainly not classic. The ICC has reported them to the Better Business Bureau.

But if SYSCO keeps up this dastardly policy, they could soon find themselves plotting the Rise and Fall of the Nazi Dinosaurs.  

Introduction to the News of the Roundtable: For the Unenlightened

Certain "Roundtable evangelists," most notably, my co-blogger Shatzmaster3000 (did I spell that wrong?) seek to spread the Classiness that is the News of the Roundtable to the unenlightened. While I'm not sure what I think of that idea in general, it is important that any new converts we do receive know the meanings of some commonly used terms.

So, in alphabetical order, here are terms you should know:

Arash: Persian (which almost, but not quite, means the same thing as Iranian) music artist. Notable for chasing after girls and possesing a flying bycicle.

• Temptation Music Video (In particular, the flying bycicle is shown staring at 2:25 in this video.)
• Boro Boro Music Video

Book of Pittinsky: Not-at-all-holy scripture of the Roundtable. An excerpt will be posted soon.

Class: (Classy, Classiness, etc.) The primary virtue of the Roundtable. While it is hard to define, classiness is roughly equivalent to coolness, but more so. According to Wiktionary, class is "Admirable behavior; elegance." That's a better definition than I could ever write, so let's leave it there. Classy is an adjective form of class (i.e., "That's one classy hat."). Should not be confused with Classic (see next definition).

• The ICC President's groundbreaking article on classiness 

Classic: (Classical, Classicness, etc.) Both classy and old. For example, while a Beethoven symphony is classic, Arash's song "Boro Boro" is classy. How old a classy object must be to also be classic is relative. In general, classy people old enough to have gray hair (or, better yet, be dead) are old enough to also be classic. See also, previous definition.

Fancy Friday: A special Friday during which participants dress in their fanciest and classiest clothing, and preform classy acts such as, for example, croquet. The most recent Fancy Friday was on April 24, 2009.

Fashionable Friday: The fashion column of the News of the Roundtable. Written in part by yours truly.

• The first appearance of Fashionable Friday

Fiend: A member of a Roundtable. Just as a flock is made up of birds and an air force is made up of pterodactyls, so too is a Roundtable made up of fiends. Note that, despite certain colloquial uses of the word, fiends do not have to be high. Although many of them are...

Fourth Period: A time for lunch which has an above average concentration of fiends. So, for example, If you were eating lunch with three of your fiendly friends, that period of time could be called a fourth period.


Friday: The day of the week between Thursday and Saturday. Commonly considered the classiest day of the week. Most Fridays can be called Roundtable Fridays (see that definition). Certain Roundtable Fridays can be called Fancy Fridays.

Hirschfeld: (Often abbreviated as Hirschfeeeld.) A particularly insane and dangerous pterodactyl.


New Jersey: An awful place to be.


News of the Roundtable: You're reading it. The News of the Roundtable, or NotR for short, is the primary organ of the Roundtable, and is used for the spreading of classiness and related knowledge. The slogan of the News changes frequently, but always follows the same form: For ___ation and ____ation. The current slogan (as of this writing) is: For Eludication and Classification.

Parking Lot Promiscuity: (P.L.P.) Publicly promiscuous behavior in parking lots. Can also be used to refer to promiscuity in other places (for example, "The Pterodactyl was actively engaging in Library Promiscuity.").

Pterodactyl: The greatest threat to humanity, ever. While so-called 'scientists' claim that Pterodactyls died out ages ago, the News of the Roundtable knows the truth. Pterodactyls would normally be identifiable by their wings, but since they adopted disguises, they can now be identified by their unibrows.

Roundtable: A Round table. Roundtables are the symbols of classiness, and also meeting points for various classy people. Square and rectangular tables should be sat at, if able, during all non-Friday days to preserve the sanctity of Roundtables.

Roundtable Friday: The most frequent of the Roundtable's many observances. Roundtables should be sat at, if possible. In ancient days, the print edition of the News of the Roundtable was distributed on Roundtable Fridays.

Tuber: The semi-official mascot of the News of the Roundtable. The Tuber has a coloumn of his very own in the News, in which he will answer all of your questions! Send them to askthetuber@gmail.com.

VH1: This is madness! Yes, this is VH1!