Fin

Editor's Note: It seemed fitting to write an epitaph for the News of the Roundtable. I procrastinated for a while, but, now, here it is.

There was a fake newspaper of gloriously classy proportions, and its contributors abandoned it. The rest is details. (Or is it all details? But no matter, for that is merely a detail, too.)

But before we begin with them, we should offer Our thanks to the loyal and brave ShatzMaster3000, also known as JKFA. When others abandoned the News of the Roundtable, even when I did, Mr. Shatz was still there. It is no coincidence that, besides for this, the final articles for the News were made by this stalwart contributor.

I was a late-comer to the News; I spent most of my fourth-period-friday-lunches doing decidedly unclassy things in the reading room (mostly reading old Science Fiction novels and making Year of the P----- signs). I was recruited as a fashion columnist - obviously, I am far more fashionable than anyone else I know. My skill at providing classy fashion choices is only surpassed by, well, everything.

(Fashion tip of the day: Spiderwebs are rarely fashionable accessories. Try wearing hats instead.)

As the varied Fiends and Associates (I, for one, always felt more an Associate of Fiends than a true greenblooded fiend.) stopped being high schoolers and began being international (or at least interstate) expatriates, the News was obviously and adversely affected. But when the Master of Shatz and I, with assistance from 'WickedJumbo,' a redhead* who is studying at a barrel-making institution, and a particularly wise oracular potato, the News of the Roundtable: Online Edition was established. Accessible through the Al Gore's new glorious International Webbing, NotR: Online promised to increase clasiness a hundredfold. Despite a small pool of literary contributions and a complete and unfortunate lack of monetary contributions** NotR: Online managed to keep pumping out articles for a total of six months and 48 articles.

So. Our thanks to our contributors. To those of you who could contribute but didn't, I pronounce you thrice-accursed, mostly because, when I am cursing something, I don't get a chance to make it thrice-accursed (I average about 1.2-times-accursed) and I really wanted to. (To those of you who couldn't contribute because of what you were doing at your respective and indubitably honorable Institutions of Learning abroad, you don't even need to be excused - and in many ways, I envy you.)

We stand here at a crossroads. We can, if anyone actually bothers to read this, bring NotR: Online back to its former glory. (Send to contributions, as always, to askthetube@gmail.com .) Or we can abandon this work. The choice, dear readers, is yours.

Either way, this is the end of an era. A small and utterly unimportant era, but an era nonetheless.

---

*: Not that he helped much.

**: And we don't need money to run NotR: Online. But we sure would like it.

---

Notes:

1. I had some statistics above, but accidentally deleted them. Fear not: hey are of no consequence.
2. I will tag this post, in addition to normal, appropriate tags, with 'Eldritch' and 'Gilgamesh,' mostly for the fun of it.
3. I still claim to be working on the Arash: Flying Bicycle game. At least in theory.

FIN

February 15: The new official Worst Day Ever

February 15 sucks. At least February 15, 2010 does. Why? Well in 2010 February 15 happens to be on a Monday. Already the worst day of the week. It also happens to be the day after Valentine's Day, meaning those lucky enough to have/find a significant other on that day, February 15 means a return to the real world (i.e. the one that doesn't put out). For those without a significant other, it means an end to a day where you weren't sickened by watching a couple consist of your friends act all couply, since they finally kept that shit private, if only for a day. And if you are both familiar with the horrors of the unclassiness and a veteran of the Birthright program, this day will forever live in infamy, as the day when the greatest thing in the world became tainted by the worst.
Tool Academy, a show where cuples go to vh1 to solve their couple issues(sidenote: if you think vh1 can solve your problems, the relationship-and your mental states- are beyond repair) got a third season on, where else, vh1. This season, one of the couples is made up of birthright alumni. from israel to vh1- heaven to hell is probably less painful. But weep, ye Roundtablers; if vh1 can corrupt even Birthright, it can corrupt anything. Even the iPad.

Music Review: Pants on the ground

"Pants on the ground. Pants on the ground. Lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.
With the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways, pants hit the ground.
Call yourself a cool cat, Lookin like a fool. Walkin downtown with your pants on the ground!
Get it up, hey!"(That's what she said)"Get your pants off the ground! Lookin like a fool, walkin talkin with your pants on the ground. Get it up, hey! Get your pants off the ground! Lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground!"
The world owes "general" Larry Platt a debt of gratitude for this wonderful masterpiece. the coolest 63 year old in all of Atlanta may have (combined with the use of nph as a judge-awesome!) saved American Idol, which long ago lost its right to call itself a serious talent show (thank you Taylor Hicks/ Will Hung(whos asian so its doubtful he lives up to his name. Sorry, ladies)). And honestly, how much do ellen degeneris and katy perry really know about music? Soon theyre gonna have Miley Cyrus guest judge (which will throw the show into the vh1 level), after which the only way the show would be able to redeem itself is through the use of Arash as a guest judge(which will increase interest in countries not yet sick of the whole thing). However, "Pants on the ground" may prove to be the most successful single to come out of a talent show since INXS's hit "Pretty Vegas". If he can get that ex-Barney girl dominatrix to perform with him, the old general may have a bright career ahead of him! Now everybody, go buy a belt.

Book Review: The Somnambulist

First off, my apologies. Like our previous book review, the book I am about to mention is real. However, it may not be of as much interest to you. Nontheless, it is important to mention.

I normally read what might be considered not quite normal books. (But then again, reading books in and of itself is probably not quite normal in this day and age.) I am perfectly comfortable with, and to some extent, prefer, books in which, for example, Isaac Newton gets very angry about certain elements of the invention of Calculus. Or, as another example, in which the Trojan War is recreated with quantum mechanics. Or perhaps in which a stand in for J.R.R. Tolkein gets into a fistfight with the Devil and manages to kill him. (Yes, you heard that right. Step aside, Chuck Norris. Tolkein can kill the Devil with his bare hands!)

I don't normally mention books like these, except to people who I know to be interested in them. But The Somnambulist was different. It quite literally begged to be reviewed on the News of the Roundtable. On the very back of the book, a reviewer called it "one of the classiest entertainments I've read in a long, long time."

No. NO. NO.

Let's completely ignore the fact that the reviewer implies that classy entertainments must be readable. I'm a big fan of books - but I recognize that movies, TV shows, sporting events, and vidjagames have the potential to be extremely classy as well. And I'm sure even the biggest hater of books amongst the Fiends of the Roundtable would admit that it is theoretically possible to have a classy book.

The fact is, despite what this 'reviewer' said, The Somnambulist is anything but classy.

I'm not saying it's a bad book. I'm just not saying it's a great one - and, more importantly, it's hardly classy.

The book is set in Victorian London - to the best of my humble knowledge, that's a very classy place and time. If you don't believe me, take a look at the enclosed picture of some random Somwhat Important Victorian Dude that I found on Wikipedia. Observe his classy clothes and hat. Now consider that, in Victorian London, those clothes and hat were the standard garb for men. Is that classy, or is it just me?

(Actually, his hat is pretty ugly compared to the Victorian standard. But that's not the point.)

So merely because the book is set in Victorian London, one might assume that the book is classy. That is hardly the case.

First of all, hardly anything classy actually happens. Second of all, plenty of unclassy things happen.

Like, what was up with the bearded lady?

(Answer: you really don't want to know. And yes, the bearded lady did indeed play a major role in the plot.)

And how could that albino guy not have realized that his actions would end up killing his son?

(Answer: because he tried being classy, failed, and ended up showing us the idiot he really was.)

Most importantly, what was up with the milk?

(I have no idea! It was crazy! That was more of a mystery than the plot of the book was!)

Again, I'm not saying the book was especially bad.
I wasn't tortured while reading it.

I wasn't forced to stop reading (because otherwise I would go crazy) and then fake all future assignments based on the book through skilled use of Wikipedia.

And I didn't actually go crazy and summon otherworldly horrors as a result of reading it.

The book even had some redeeming features, like (Spoilers. Highlight if you want to read them.) Lovecraftian Schoolboys, Strange Cults, and Zombie Samuel Coleridge.

But really, it just wasn't all that great. And it most certainly was not classy.

If you for some reason want to purchase it, The Somnambulist is available in hardcover on Barnes & Noble's Website for the awfully low price of $3.99. But if I were you, I'd buy something better instead.

The Wandering Classicist, Part I

Editor's note: I'm out of ideas for actual articles, so I'm trying something here. Is it any good?
(Probably not.) 

~~~

The Wandering Classicist,

- or - 

The History of The World

(And yea! all that be upon it)

As elucidated by Fiends of Olde

("Because it's not old without the 'e'.")

  ~~~

Part I: Beer with Gilgamesh

The weirdo was building a boat.

"It's an ark," he insisted. Hardly the point, I thought.

___

In case you've never visited the city-states of Sumer (and you should! It's a party there!), there's probably one thing you should know. It's flat there. Flat and dry. A boat (or ark, or whatever) is about as useful there as, say, a gangsta-rapper. In other words, not at all.

___

I mentioned it over the beer that night. It's about the high point of Sumerian technology. We could make beer. (Actually, the high points of Sumerian technology were probably writing and the wheel. But we preferred the beer. Wouldn't you?)

The guys all knew what was up with boats in the desert at once. They introduced me to some guy called Gilgamesh.

I'll spare you what he said. Y'all know exactly what's up with the boat-dude. Or at least you will, if I mention that his name was Noah. Apparently, Gilgamesh is one of those hero types who has nothing better to do than talk about the gods that he's killed and/or* slept with - and he's well accomplished enough that he can drag that on for hours and actually make it boring. (In my life, I've met far too many of these guys.) And apparently, Gilgamesh got into a Flood situation of sorts himself a while back.

___

None of my Sumerian drinking buddies are worried, but they're just stupid. I'm not worried either. I don't die easy. You see, I'm not exactly human. I'm the Wandering Classicist. I was around when the universe was created (no, I can't tell you how. I promised.) and I'll be around when it ends. In the meantime, it's my job to gather classiness and information about classiness from every civilization in history (except the ones that aren't on Earth. I've got coworkers for that). Of course, there's not much classiness going on on Earth just now, so it's either get drunk in Sumer or research the first Emperors of China. I chose the beer. Can you blame me?

___

So anyway, to make a long story short, it started raining. For forty days and forty nights. I was pretty wet, and, like most people, I prefer breathing to not breathing, but, unlike most people, it doesn't make much of a difference to me biologically. It's more of a comfort thing.

It really wasn't all that bad. There was plenty to drink (of course) and plenty of animal corpses to eat. There wasn't any beer, unfortunately, but so it goes.

~~~

Join us in the future

For the second Installment

- of -

The Wandering Classicist

___

*: Usually "or," not "and." Gilgamesh isn't really into killing people and then sleeping with them.

MANSWERS: The most terrifying "holy crap is that actually a show?" show since the advent of vh1 reality

Ever wondered how to guarantee tapping it from the back? How about how fat you have to be to stop a bullet from killing you? Of course you have! And if not, the fine men at MANSWERS have done it for you!
Armed with statistics taken from college campuses(duh) the angry voice on MANSWERS yells the answers to all the mysteries of the universe ranging from the practical( How to best kick the crap out of somebody or how to get rid of a boner quickly), to the weird (how fast will a kilo of cocaine kill somebody on a plane), to the slightly disturbing (Which animal has the "fullest tank").
The answers range from the simple (ten minutes for the cokehead to croak), the surprising but effective (a cold beer under the erection) to extremely disturbing revelations revealed by people as respected as medical proffesionals and disturbing as people who bang their cars. They exist. It's terrifying.
In short, MANSWERS is the most informative show, if you're into finding out really really creepy things that you may or may not ever considering make use of (a ringtone that increases breast size over ten days).

The Evils of Morning Radio

Fine readers of NOTR, there is a continuing injustice in this world that can no longer be tolerated. No, it is not the career of Miley Cyrus. No, it is not the nightime programming of SPIKE TV. This injustice is the music or, more accurately, the lack of on morning radio.
Why do people listen to music radio stations? duh- listen to music, be it Arash, Taylor Swift, or Lil' Wayne. But not Dream Theater. They're never on the radio.
What morning radio has done, however, is to take the few precious minutes not taken up by commercials and, rather than dedicating those moments to the music without which the radio station could not exist, give those moments to "radio show hosts" who talk about stuff nobody really cares about because the listeners are tuning in for music- not to hear what some chode had for breakfast or did on new years. the madness has to stop.