The Terrible Tragic Tale of Tiger

What has happened to the world? In the ever-constant battle of classiness versus unclassiness, unclassiness has recently scored a devastating victory over the tophat-wearing forces of classiness. The downfall of Tiger Woods, champion of golf(the second-classiest sport, behind only library-style crochet) is an unmitigated disaster.
The champion of this classic and classy sport had everything: charity organizations(always classy) many championships and titles(very much classy) and quite the attractive wife( not necessarily classy, but can't hurt). A series of events have undone this once classy individual. Or "transgressions". However you would like to put it.
First off, the car accident. It happens sometimes. It is, of corse, unclassy, but survivable. What really took the classiness away from Tiger is the same thing taking classiness away from television; vh1. When this so-called waitress, clearly upset with vh1's inability to fix her relationship on vh1's "Tool Academy", first claimed she had proof that she had been having an unclassy affair with Tiger, it could have been said that it was simply an effort to be put in the public eye, much like the whole vh1 thing was. But Tiger didn't deny it. And that hurt classiness almost as much as Gans Meltdown Tuesday. The forces of classiness must strike back. But how?

Arash: Flying Bicycle: Update!

Editor's note: The programmer was feeling lazy. Maybe the game will be up later...

I'm pleased to announce that our featured game, Arash: Flying Bicycle, is actively in development. Version 1.0, codenamed "Flying Circus," is scheduled to be released sometime in the upcoming Roundtable Friday.

You heard right, folks. The first version of Arash: Flying Bicycle is expected to be up and running before the Sabbath begins and Roundtable Friday ends.

I think it's time to throw in a screenshot. But I'm too lazy, so I'll just give you the photoshoped promo instead.

Version 1.0 is only a drop in the bucket compared to what I'm planning for Arash: Flying Bicycle, but it's complex enough to be a standalone game. Here's what I'm planning:

Arash: Flying Bicycle is written in Java because that's the only real programming language I know at the moment. Also, Java is useful because it won't only run on Windows, but also on Linux, FreeBSD, Solaris, OS/2, BeOS Haiku, Mac OS X and whatever other nutty operating systems you can dig up. (Editor's note: Java does work on OS X. The author just felt like crossing it out anyway. I'm sure you can understand...)

Version 1.0 will be similar to that stupid little game which I don't exactly remember how to describe. You'll know what I'm talking about when you see it. The object of the game is for the player, controlling Arash and his magical flying bicycle, to catch up to a car, which contains hot girls.

Version 1.5, codenamed "Flying Castle (Oh, wait, that was actually called Moving Castle, too bad),"  will be a minor upgrade of 1.0. Pretty much, a few better graphics.

The fun really starts with version 2.0, "Bycicle Built for (Version) Two," which will not only contain the "classic" Arash adventure from version 1.0, but also an all new campaign mode! Yes, we're going all out with a fully fledged fight for freedom and Fridays.

But surely, you ask, what could Arash do besides chase after girls? Well, save the world, for one thing. Besides, this isn't just a game for Arash, but for the entire News of the Roundtable. Fiends who are easily disturbed by such plot elements as 'Stairway to Heaven,' 'TI-89 Titanium with Laser Beams,' 'The Destruction of New Jersey,' 'being on a boat,' and 'President of the ICC' are advised not to play the campaign mode, because all of these options are expected to be included.

Versions 2.1 through 2.20 will be releases of new levels for the campaign mode. The working titles (which basically mean that I know what I'm talking about, and you don't) for all 21 levels are as follows:

1. Introducing a Very Handsome Man
2. Flying Bycicle
3. Man in the High Castle (Includes bonus cutscene: Anathem)
   
4. East of Eden
5. Many Waters
6. On a Boat (Includes bonus cutscene: Overclassing)
7. Storm of Swords
8. Caves of Steel
9. Paths of the Dead (Includes bonus cutscene: Fountains of Paradise)
10. Path of Heaven
11. Stairway to Heaven
12. Fires of Heaven (Includes bonus cutscene: Boom!)
13. Pebble in the Sky
14. Currents of Space
15. The Stars, like Dust (Includes bonus cutscene: Starship Titanic)
16. Leviathan
17. Iron Sunrise
18. The Naked Sun (Includes bonus cutscene: Chain Rule)
19. Return of the King
20. The Last Battle
21. Bonus Level (Includes bonus cutscene: Bonus Cutscene)

(Note: Most of those titles were references to books. Do not be alarmed! Few if any of those references will actually be used in the game.)

Yeah. Then we've got version 3.0, codenamed "Flying Fish," which will include our genius new multiplayer game, Superior Smashing Brethren (which is most certainly not a blatant ripoff of Super Smash Brothers. Oh, no.). All Fiends of the Roundtable are invited, nay, encouraged, to send a profile of themselves in to askthetuber@gmail.com for inclusion in this excitingly Superior Smashing madness! And probably to the campaign as well. (Note: please base your profile on how Super Smash bros. actually works. Feel free to submit multiple profiles for yourself, your friends, your worst enemies, &c.)

Then version 4.0 will have, um, what are we missing? Well, version 4.0 will be codenamed "Flying Friday," and will include anything that's missing, plus fixes to anything that needs fixing and upgrades to anything that needs upgrading. Version 4.0 will be the last version in the foreseeable future.

Yeah, I'm tired and lazy (Slapsgiving really wore me out!). Have a good Friday, keep it classy, and check back soon for Arash: Flying Bicycle: Version 1.0 (Flying Circus).

Slapsgiving: Great Holiday, or Greatest Holiday?

An excited child prepares for his Slapsgiving feast

This coming thursday, the third thursday in November, is, as most of you are aware, the noble and ancient holiday of Thanksgiving; a day of joy in which we all take a moment out of our busy lives to enjoy the comforts of family, turkey, stuffing, gravy, more turkey, more family, backyard football, and for a certain lucky few (me) birthday cake. However there is one aspect of this holiday that is missing from most Americans' Thanksgiving celebrations. I am referring to, of course, the requisite slap in the face.

This new tradition has been gaining popularity faster than Fancy Friday ever since its magnificence was shared with the world a year ago on the classic episode of How I Met Your Mother. Now that the existence of Slapsgiving has been shared with the world, we must ask ourselves a number of important existential questions.
1. Why is this day different from all other days?
2. What makes Slapsgiving so popular?
3. Are there any life lessons one cannot learn from How I Met Your Mother?
4. How does Arash make his bicycle fly? (No its not pterodactyls. That theory has been discredited since its publication,)
and most importantly
5. Who is going to be dealing the "slap heard round the world" at your table this Thursday?

Now to answer my own questions:
1. This day is different from all other days because the post office won't deliver your mail, its illegal to operate heavy machinery, the NFL continues to subject viewers to the Detroit Lions, and because you finally get to slap Uncle Larry in the face.
2. Duh, you get to slap your least favorite family member/friend in the face. Whether he's "that guy" who's always there to annoy you, or just stealing all the beers from your minifridge, he deserves it! (Note: even in this age of gender equality, Slapsgiving should not be conferred upon a female under any circumstances.)
3. No. Everything there is to learn in life can be learned in one simple half-hour viewing per week. Whether its the bro code, the playbook, or the naked man, all simple truths of life are contained in this show, placing it on a level of classiness not seen since the cancellation of Arrested Development.
4. The world may never know.
5. Nobody know's for sure, but my money is on your Aunt Linda. Seriously, nobody's gonna see it coming.

And there you have it. Everything you didn't even know you needed to know about the greatest holiday Hallmark doesn't sell a greeting card for, all conveniently contained within one handy article. Read, process, and enjoy.

Roundtable Revealed: The Creation Of NOTR

Before the greatness of this story is lost forever, the dedicated readers of this finest of fake news sources will, for the first time, be able to read about the glorious and surprisingly humble beginnings of the News of the Round Table.
In order to ensure that the readers of NOTR get a complete storytelling, this author will do something that has traditionally been avoided to preserve the integrity of the stories run by NOTR:
I'm going to speak in the first person. Hopefully, this will be the last time I ever have to do this, violating one of the fundamental rules of my code of journalistic ethics. Which I shall post at another time.
The News of the Roundtable's existence is owed to many people/fiends, but mostly to one. That man is not the Pickup Artist. That man is Dmitri Martin. But I'll explain that later.
First I will recount the forming of the Fiends of the Roundtable. In a certain high school in the sad wasteland of New Jersey, the fiends were born. It started with the Fiendly Four: The Crazy Israeli Founder, The Unibrowed Fiend, the Multiple-Personalitied Fiend, and the Important Fiend. Sadly, as of this posting, none of the writers for this blog were among the Fiendly Four. I was, at best, an honorary fiend in the beginning. That original band of four was termed the "Fiends of the Roundtable" by the Founder on a fateful morning in the early days of Senior year. During the early days of fiendom, many of our conversations revolved around many of the topics you read of in our blog today: vh1, the pickup artist, pterodactyls, Arash, and Reputation Juice(weed).
Now, we of the Roundtable frequently had lunch together. For what seemed no particular reason, during the week we ate at rectangular tables. On Friday.......... Roundtables. One fateful friday, I ate at a rectangular table. The Unibrowed Fiend pointed out that it was wrong, and it was "Roundtable Friday". And so it begun.
Over the next few months, membership of the fiends grew, and with it, the fiendliness of our school. Gans Meltdown Tuesday was begun after somebody of the Gans persuasion had a meltdown at breakfast. As we of the fiends started visiting colleges, we were bestowed with college visitation names as prefixes to our birth names. These titles included: Horny, Reputation, Crazy Israeli, Yammy, Teppy-Tepp, Multiple-Personality, and Word-Association. It was during this time that the short-lived television show "Important Things With Dmitri Martin" came out. It was also during this time when both the Founding Fiend and the Unibrowed Fiend noticed the rising fiendosity levels of the school, and were disturbed by it. In fact, after initial enthusiasm, the Founding Fiend and the Unibrowed Fiend withdrew their support. The Unibrowed Fiend contributed one total article to NOTR. The Multiple-Personalitied Fiend contributed two. Eventually, NOTR also lost the support of the Important Fiend. But I will get to that later.
So one fateful night, I was watching "Important Things With Dmitri Martin". In this episode, he introduced the concept of "Fake Newspaper Friday", primarily to disturb old people in nursing homes(He also invented "Double Important Wednesdays". Dmitri Martin is an honorary fiend, though he doesn't even know it). Noticing the alliteration, I immediately texted the Important Fiend(who bears strong physical resemblance to Dmitri Martin). His response indicated that, partially due to frustrations with our school's crappy paper and our loads of free time, we should create a fake newspaper of our own. And thus, "The News Of The Roundtable" was born. Sadly, after an editorial career spanning three( well, two the third doesn't really count) issues, the Important Fiend withdrew from NOTR.
And there you have it. The beginning. Now I haven't told you everything(for example, the influence of a creature whose call is "whhhhhhoooooaaaaaaaaaaaa....." or the role of Shalom Bombay), but the gist of it. Now you understand. or are more confused. I don't really care.

The Online Olympics Part One: Homework Websites

As a new news segment for NOTR, generally serving as a replacement for our movie and music reviews(New Moon and Miley Cyrus have ruined both industries) the Online Olympics will track down the two most prominent websites within a specific category and have them duel(NOTR judges by comparison, little to no dueling will actually take place) to see which website is the best.
The first segment of the Online Olympics will focus on the two online homework giants, Webassign and MyEconlab.
In terms of clientele, Webassign has the clear advantage. While MyEconlab is limited to economics courses, Webassign covers math, physics, and chemistry. However, this unholy triumvirate of subjects causes nothing but grief and tears for their students, and with a measly 3 guesses, prominent red ugly Xs for wrong numbers, and a lame green check for right answers, Webassign leaves much to be desired in customer relations. Especially when they insist on marking the right answer wrong.
MyEconlab is limited to economics courses. However, in addition to homework, MyEconlab contains study plans and an online copy of the required textbook. In addition, thanks to the "try again" and "similar question" options, no wrong answer is permanent! And when you do get a problem wrong, MyEconlab gives you the process by which you can find the right answer. When you get something wrong, MyEconlab apologizes!"Sorry, that's not the correct answer". MyEconlab feels bad about your stupidity! And when you get something right, it always says "Excellent!" or "Great Job!". It's that kind of positive reinforcement that can really brighten someones day.
Winner: MyEconlab. Keep those infinite guesses rolling.

P.S. Those of you who may have read the previous article may be confused. Root seems to have implied (Editor's note: not anymore! Many thanks to Mr. Shatz for this highly important correction) that Erik Von Humperdink, a.k.a. The Pickup Artist, is classy.
This is simply untrue.
Firstly, anything involved with VH1 is, by definition, infinitely more unclassy than the kazoo, triangle, or badly played accordion.
Secondly, the so-called Pickup Artist is a seven foot tall Canadian undead creature of the night who wears Air Force goggles and dead flamingos on his head. And outside his cohost, he never talks to girls. Ever. Even suggesting that this zombie/vampire is even slightly classy is an abomination.

'Classic' SYSCO: Truth in Advertising?

Undercover investigators have disguised themselves as 'observant students' and infiltrated a Kosher Food Establishment at the University of Maryland. Their findings are shocking.

Said Kosher Food Establishment's main supplier, SYSCO, bills itself as 'classic.'

We went to SYSCO's website to see if they had an explanation for this claim. What we found reminded us of some of the worst articles ever written for the News of the Roundtable.

(The News of the Roundtable has two types of really awful articles: The first type are those in which the random nerdy guy blabbers on about science and math without any regard to keeping the discussion classy. Hi! The second type of article is awfully edited, awfully written, seems to be the ravings of a deranged and/or high pterodactyl, and would probably get an F if graded by even the classiest of English teachers. SYSCO's explanation falls into the latter category.)

Let's take a look:

(Source: http://www.sysco.com/products/sysco_brands.html)

Did you understand any of that?

I think not.

(I could demonstrate the errors in this all day. But I won't; someone might die of boredom. I'll just give one example: if 'Imperial SYSCO' is 'Simply Excellent,' shouldn't it be called 'Excellent SYSCO?')

But we don't care about the differences between Imperial SYSCO and Supreme SYSCO. We care if Classic SYSCO is really classic.

Well, as you may remember, it is nearly universally agreed upon that something classic must be both classy and old. Let's tackle the easy one first. Is classic SYSCO old?

Well, according to 'The SYSCO Story' (parents, this is quite an amazing story. You should read this to your kids for bedtime) SYSCO had its 'initial public offering in 1970.' So it's not amazingly old, but it's older than me. We'll let it slide.

But is SYSCO classy?

I'll simplify things right now: it is not. Because of interference by the Three-thousandth Master of Shatz, proof of SYSCO's unclassiness is left as an exercise in logic for the reader.


So, apparently SYSCO is old, but not classy.

Therefore, SYSCO is guilty of false advertising. They are most certainly not classic. The ICC has reported them to the Better Business Bureau.

But if SYSCO keeps up this dastardly policy, they could soon find themselves plotting the Rise and Fall of the Nazi Dinosaurs.  

Those Elevator Douchebags

In society, you've got your obvious paraites and purveyors of unclassiness. These parasites are most commonly known as vh1 reality contestants, Miley Cyrus, Canada, and, of course, New Jersey. However, there are more discreet elements at work within our society that are slowly but surely eating away at the moral and classy basis of our very existence.
This article is, of course, about Those elevator Douchebags. You know who you are. You are the lazy fatasses that make use of the elevator rather than go up or down one, two, or heaven-forbid three flights of stairs. You prolong the elevator rides of those who have no choice but to use the elevator, those stuck in the upper nether regions of their buildings. If their lives weren't already ridiculously sad and pathetic, their elevator rides eat up much more time than is reasonable or acceptable thanks to Those Elevator Douchebags.
No more. If you live lower than the fourth floor and still using the elevator, you are dead to NOTR, and are blacklisted from participation in NOTR's various classy events, most notably Roundtable Friday, Fancy Friday, Foursquare Friday, Fiendly Friday, Funky Hat Friday, Word-Association Wednesday, Shiriyah Barbecue Thursday, among many others. Participation in Gans Meltdown Tuesday is still encouraged.