Ask The Tuber: Grammar Games!

The Frisch Tuber has received an email!

"CENSORED CENSORED or CENSORED? i hope youre spending your time writing this during class rather than going out/partying/girls. anyways u provide me with entertainment during my boredome so keep it up"

Well, whoever you are, we're glad to oblige. But because you didn't exactly ask me, the Tuber, a question, I'll just analyze all of your bad grammar instead.

Of course, analyzing grammar is remarkably unclassy. But it's even less classy to actually use bad grammar... you should be ashamed of yourself.

1. Always start sentences with a capital letter. Particularly when that letter is the word 'I.'
2. Is 'girls' a verb? But 'go out' and 'party' are. Perhaps we should create a new word. Girling. (It's like the sport of Curling except without the Canadianness).
3. 'u' is actually spelled 'you.' Shocking, is it not?
4. Is a 'boredome' a secret lair for bored people? Can I get one?
5. End sentences with periods. Otherwise... well, periods are important, for some reason.

I'm sorry we had to go through that. Don't make me do it again,

Keep it classy,

The Tuber

Send your questions to the Tuber at askthetuber@gmail.com .

The secret behind the freshman 15; all the things you wanted to know but were afraid to find out

All new participants in meal plans have heard the rumors and are on the lookout for this dreaded side effect of newfound liberty in food choices. People agonize over decisions in their respective dining halls, debating between the salad and the massive super-stuffed buffalo chicken wrap. Paricipants often consider offsetting their eating habits with extended workouts, exercising, or four-squaring. But the true danger of the freshman 15 is not in the dining hall foods (though all-you-can eat wings Fridays don't exactly help- those of you on the Kosher meal plans understand). No, the true danger is found in late-nite foods needed to complement enjoyment of watching How I Met Your Mother.
These foods and second/third dinners usually include, but are not limited to, jello snack packs, enchiladas and hot sauce, teryaki bowls and hot sauce, hot pockets and hot sauce, mac and cheese and hot sauce, and stir-fry bowls and hot sauce. These meals are the ones that creep up on your bodily system and really puts on the pounds. It is the only logical explanation.
It may appear that cutting back on food/ How I Met Your Mother/ hot sauce may be the best resolution. But no. as always, four-square is the best method to work off all excess weight.

Excerpts from the Book of Pittinsky

Translator's note: Historians like myself despaired when the Book of Pittinsky was stolen from its safe location in a hotel in Canada about one and a half years ago. Since no copies or translations of the Book were made, we feared that it and its story would be lost to the general public forever.
However, archaeological investigations at an alleged 'Yeshiva High School' in northern New Jersey revealed an amazingly well-preserved copy of the Book, complete with all three portions of the Book of Pittinsky, namely, The Book of Fiends, The Prophecies of Pittinsky, and The Book of Random Other Stuff.
One of the strangest facts about the Book is the veritable babel of languages it is written in. In the first chapter of The Prophecies of Pittinsky alone, fifteen different languages are used, including Quenya, French, Aramaic, Qwghlmian, Klingon, Farsi, and Pig Latin. Why so many languages, including many extremely unclassy ones, were used in the Book remains a question for scholars even today. It also makes the Book very annoying to translate.
Two chapters of the Book are included below: the last chapter of the Book of Fiends (chapter 42) and the first chapter of the Prophecies of Pittinsky. I hope they bring you classiness.

With all due respect,
Prof. Elwin Ransom 
-----

The Book of Fiends, Chapter 42

1)And, lo! in those days, men were real men, Hebrew teachers were real Israelis, and J――― was considered cute: 2)And before all, verily! at the apex of class and classiness alike, were the fiends: 3)And the school prospered from the fiends, and was enriched mightily, even unto the annals of the Book of Wikipedia was its name known: 4)And the fiends brought class, and classiness was amongst the people:
5)And it came to pass, in the fourth year of their reign, that is, the Ninth and Two Thousandth year of the Era of Commonness, that the fiends graduated, and were removed from the School: 6)And the people said "Woe! What shall become of us?" for the fiends had graduated: 7)And the school was darkened beneath the heavens, and its people were unclassy, for they wore unclassy clothes, and were promiscuous in the library but not in the parking lots: 8)And new grades arose, which had not known the fiends, and they exiled the pterodactyls, and replaced the round tables with square ones: 9)And they refused to be on a boat, and they sent in their reconciliation forms, yea! even unto the thousandth form:
10)And the school was conquered by the Class of 2010, and by the Class of 2011, and even by the class of 2012: 11)And the people cried out unto whatever deity(s) they happened to believe in at the time, saying, "Whence are the fiends that were with us in the days of yore, yea! even unto their days of graduation?: 12)Let them return, and be classy amongst us, such that we too may be classy:" 13)But the prayers of the people were unanswered, for the people were unclassy:
14)And it came to pass that all the grades that knew the fiends had graduated: 15)And in those days, all the teachers and administrators who had known the fiends had retired, lo! even unto Dr. Stein who sat in the principal's office: But the legend of the fiends lived on in the memories of the Faithful, and word of the Round Table was not forgotten beneath the heavens:

The Prophecies of Pittinsky, Chapter 1

1)And it was, in the fourth year since the Fiends had graduated, a Dude who was most certainly not an Angel of the L-RD came to me: 2)For he smelled like the leaf of the weeds of Maro and Juana, and his shirt was one of those really ugly Hawaiian things, and he sounded like yo momma: 3)At the place - you know, that little place upstairs that led to the roof - yeah, that place, I saw him: 4)And He started talking, and he looked a little funny: 5)Yea, almost like a fiend he looked: 6)And the Dude spoke unto me, saying: 7)"What do you see, son of whoever Pittinsky's father was?": 8)And I looked and I saw, and behold! there was a table in a shape I did not know: 9)And I said, "It is a table, but I know not its shape.": 10)And the Dude said unto me, "the table is round.": 11)And, behold! the table was round, and its circumference was Pi times its diameter: 12)And I asked unto the Dude, "What is the meaning of this?": 13)And the Dude said unto me, "just as you saw a round table, but did not know its shape, so too will classiness return unto your midst.": 14)And I rejoiced, for we would be classy once more:

Pterodactyl Watch: Arizona

Editor's note: We wish you a merry Roundtable Friday, we wish you a merry Roundtable Friday, we wish you a merry Roundtable Friday, and a happy New Year.

Please be sure to view our latest contributor (WickedJumbo)'s new article about Kanye West, below.

Also, be sure to vote in our poll (down and to the right) so we can get some idea of about how many people actually read this thing.

By now, all readers of the News of the Roundtable should know that Pterodactyls are dangerous. They should even know how to identify them. But how can we prove the danger to our skeptical neighbors?
In the first entry in our new Pterodactyl Watch series, we travel to the remote and inhospitable deserts of Arizona. We met there with an Old Man, who had the added distinction of being Native American and thus knowing the myths related to this area.

"In the ancient days, just after the World was created (almost one thousand years ago!), there were four tribes of men: the Yellow Men, the Black Men, the White Men, and the Red Men."

Clearly, he means Asians, Black People, White people, and Native Americans. Moving on to the interesting bits:

"...No one really cares about the Yellow, Black, and White Men. But the Red Men - they lived here. All of them; anything you hear about different tribes of Red Men, especially if they are fighting each other, is a filthy lie. Made by filthy liars..."

Can you get to the point already, Old Man?

"...And the Red Men would farm in the valleys, but they would live in the cliffs. Why would they live in the cliffs? Not because they were afraid of other Red Men.  As I already said, all the Red Men were friends and living together - and anyone who says otherwise is one of those aforementioned filthy liars. They would live in the cliffs because if they were in the valleys for too long, they would get snatched up and eaten by the winged dinosaurs."

So there you have it - from the Old Man's lips to our ears. There were Pterodactyls in Arizona less than a thousand years ago. Thus, the scientists were obviously lying.

PTERODACTYLS ARE STILL AMONG US!!!

But why were they in Arizona specifically? For that, we turned to a random New Age mystic guy. We even managed to make sure he wasn't high during the interview!

"Tourists come to this place because of the Vortices (that's plural of Vortex, folks!). Each Vortex has mystical magical powers that we cannot even comprehend. They cause U.F.O. sightings. They cause madmen. They cause miracles."

And, presumably, they attract Pterodactyls. But are these Vortices only in Arizona?

"Vorticies are the cause of many previously unexplained phenomena. There are Vorticies in New York's Hudson Valley..."

Finally, an explanation for why Monsey is so weird! There are Vorticies there!

"We should all pray to the Vorticies, because-"

Whoa (Whooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa), hey. We don't need that kinda talk around here.

---

And so you have it. There are Vorticies in Arizona. They attract Pterodactyls. The Pterodactyls eat the Indians. It's a food chain. And proof of the Ptero-terror threat.
Where is the next target of the ptero-terror? Is it the Hudson Valley, which also has Vorticies? Is the Hudson Valley already pterritory? Could your peaceful town be next?

Find out on the next edition of

Pterodactyl Watch

Kevin's note: Some of these quotes are actually real. There was an old Native American guy who said more or less the same thing as he did in this story - including the bit about Indians being eaten by winged dinosaurs. The New Age weirdo did say there were vorticies in both Arizona and the Hudson Valley. Is this a coincidence? I think not. It must be a pterodactylian plot!
 

Mr. West: an Exploration and Invocation

Editor's note: Welcome to the News of the Roundtable: Online Edition's latest contributor, WickedJumbo.

Every 14 year old girl's world was shattered sunday night when Kanye West, (heretofore to be referred to as Mr. West to retain what little semblance of dignity he still has) shocked the world by successfully getting his huge ego up to the stage in time to steal Taylor Swift's thunder, glory, moment, and whatever other superlatives receiving a VMA really deserve.

Now Mr. West, self proclaimed more famous than Jesus, God, Mystery, Matador, Tila Tequila, the Beatles, and even Daisy De la Hoya, is finally worthy of the highest honor one can be offered. An article in this esteemed paper designated solely to him; an honor shared only Arash, Basshunter, and the Senior Medley, so clearly Mr. West, you are in talented musical company.

And now the story of Dr. Kanye West, D.D.S.

Kanye hails from Chicago, in the deep dark midwest, home of Blagojevich, Michael Jordan, and Da Bears. Clearly his brain was affected by all the smog, snow, and subconscious response to being abused as a child by his stuffed rhinoceros because last time i checked, this:

"I'm sooooo sorry to Taylor Swift and her fans and her mom," he wrote. "I spoke to her mother right after and she said the same thing my mother would've said. She is very talented! I like the lyrics about being a cheerleader and she's in the bleachers! I'm in the wrong for going on stage and taking away from her moment!

"Beyoncé's video was the best of this decade!!!! I'm sorry to my fans if I let you guys down!!!! I'm sorry to my friends at MTV. I will apologize to Taylor 2mrw. Welcome to the real world!!!! Everybody wanna booooo me but I'm a fan of real pop culture!!! No disrespect but we watchin' the show at the crib right now cause ... well you know!!!! I'm still happy for Taylor!!!! Boooyaaawwww!!!! You are very very talented!!! I gave my awards to Outkast when they deserved it over me ... That's what it is!!!!!!! I'm not crazy y'all, i'm just real. Sorry for that!!! I really feel bad for Taylor and I'm sincerely sorry!!! Much respect!!!!!"

was not considered rational human thought. However I can't really say I'm surprised by this spat of incoherence coming from the man whose platinum selling songs include lyrics such as

"Don't try to treat me like I ain't famous My apologies, are you into astrology Cause I'm, I'm tryin to make it to Uranus"

Clearly his lyrical genius aside, Kanye's greatest contribution to society must be his sense of style. How much more depressing a society would we live in if no one was walking around in plastic sunshades with bars instead of lenses, or wearing army boots at all times. What would we do if we suddenly needed to kick a Nazi dinosaur's ass on a sunny day without these irreplaceable advancements to the functionality and style of our collective wardrobes?

So thank you Mr. West, for finally taking an MTV program to the next level; the VH1 level. Not just anyone could have done what you did. I applaud your efforts and look forward to many more ridiculous attention-grabbing escapades for years to come, or until your career falls apart in 2 years and you follow the path of MC Hammer into oblivion and bankruptcy, whichever comes first.

The Soundtrack to My Nightmares

The Soundtrack to My Nightmares was envisioned by the alleged "Shatzmaster 3000" after a certain English class. As no one actually bothered I writing it, I decided, hey, why not?

I spent about 30 minutes working on it while in the "Z-Zone," as that classroom was called. This thing is supposed to be a joke. Why can't you realize it is a joke? Why do you insist upon telling me that this is good!? This is not good! This is a bad poem! Not a good poem! Why did someone submit this to Kally-Oppy?! What is wrong with you? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with the world?

Without further ado, The Soundtrack to My Nightmares.

Far beyond the shadowed sea
of sleep, the nightmares torment me.
A faint yet haunting melody
echoes in my mind.

And in the Hall of Thousand Doors
(by locks unburdened since the wars)
I wander as the music roars
the soundtrack to my nightmares.

Arnold Schoenberg's corpse yet walks;
about 'Number Nine' a Beetle talks;
even a velociraptor balks
before the awful tune.   

I try to flee; I turn a knob,
(above, the vultures just wait and bob)
but my hands cannot do the job:
the door refuses to open.

Other portals respond the same,
I cannot but must play this grim game.
The only soul here bears my name
but it is fading.

But for the song there is no sound.
My life leaves me with a single bound.
But the music still plays, all around,
the soundtrack to my nightmares.

Introduction to the News of the Roundtable: For the Unenlightened

Certain "Roundtable evangelists," most notably, my co-blogger Shatzmaster3000 (did I spell that wrong?) seek to spread the Classiness that is the News of the Roundtable to the unenlightened. While I'm not sure what I think of that idea in general, it is important that any new converts we do receive know the meanings of some commonly used terms.

So, in alphabetical order, here are terms you should know:

Arash: Persian (which almost, but not quite, means the same thing as Iranian) music artist. Notable for chasing after girls and possesing a flying bycicle.

• Temptation Music Video (In particular, the flying bycicle is shown staring at 2:25 in this video.)
• Boro Boro Music Video

Book of Pittinsky: Not-at-all-holy scripture of the Roundtable. An excerpt will be posted soon.

Class: (Classy, Classiness, etc.) The primary virtue of the Roundtable. While it is hard to define, classiness is roughly equivalent to coolness, but more so. According to Wiktionary, class is "Admirable behavior; elegance." That's a better definition than I could ever write, so let's leave it there. Classy is an adjective form of class (i.e., "That's one classy hat."). Should not be confused with Classic (see next definition).

• The ICC President's groundbreaking article on classiness 

Classic: (Classical, Classicness, etc.) Both classy and old. For example, while a Beethoven symphony is classic, Arash's song "Boro Boro" is classy. How old a classy object must be to also be classic is relative. In general, classy people old enough to have gray hair (or, better yet, be dead) are old enough to also be classic. See also, previous definition.

Fancy Friday: A special Friday during which participants dress in their fanciest and classiest clothing, and preform classy acts such as, for example, croquet. The most recent Fancy Friday was on April 24, 2009.

Fashionable Friday: The fashion column of the News of the Roundtable. Written in part by yours truly.

• The first appearance of Fashionable Friday

Fiend: A member of a Roundtable. Just as a flock is made up of birds and an air force is made up of pterodactyls, so too is a Roundtable made up of fiends. Note that, despite certain colloquial uses of the word, fiends do not have to be high. Although many of them are...

Fourth Period: A time for lunch which has an above average concentration of fiends. So, for example, If you were eating lunch with three of your fiendly friends, that period of time could be called a fourth period.


Friday: The day of the week between Thursday and Saturday. Commonly considered the classiest day of the week. Most Fridays can be called Roundtable Fridays (see that definition). Certain Roundtable Fridays can be called Fancy Fridays.

Hirschfeld: (Often abbreviated as Hirschfeeeld.) A particularly insane and dangerous pterodactyl.


New Jersey: An awful place to be.


News of the Roundtable: You're reading it. The News of the Roundtable, or NotR for short, is the primary organ of the Roundtable, and is used for the spreading of classiness and related knowledge. The slogan of the News changes frequently, but always follows the same form: For ___ation and ____ation. The current slogan (as of this writing) is: For Eludication and Classification.

Parking Lot Promiscuity: (P.L.P.) Publicly promiscuous behavior in parking lots. Can also be used to refer to promiscuity in other places (for example, "The Pterodactyl was actively engaging in Library Promiscuity.").

Pterodactyl: The greatest threat to humanity, ever. While so-called 'scientists' claim that Pterodactyls died out ages ago, the News of the Roundtable knows the truth. Pterodactyls would normally be identifiable by their wings, but since they adopted disguises, they can now be identified by their unibrows.

Roundtable: A Round table. Roundtables are the symbols of classiness, and also meeting points for various classy people. Square and rectangular tables should be sat at, if able, during all non-Friday days to preserve the sanctity of Roundtables.

Roundtable Friday: The most frequent of the Roundtable's many observances. Roundtables should be sat at, if possible. In ancient days, the print edition of the News of the Roundtable was distributed on Roundtable Fridays.

Tuber: The semi-official mascot of the News of the Roundtable. The Tuber has a coloumn of his very own in the News, in which he will answer all of your questions! Send them to askthetuber@gmail.com.

VH1: This is madness! Yes, this is VH1!

Four-Square: Game of Champions

With football season newly begun, the adrenaline and psycheness levels countrywide have risen to month-high levels. Viewers of this great game want nothing more than to perform some act of ownage on their own, yet physical limitations and fear keep them away from active participation in the NFL. As a result, the psycheness builds up until the poor victim of hyper-psychenessaplasia resorts in a violent act of release, provoked by even the slightest motivation.
Fights start in grocery stores over the best grapefruits. Angry fans break their televisions. Arash flies his bicycle. Others get it on in the public showers and clog the drains, and others waste their time writing for a fake newspaper/bs blog while they should be writing an essay on Civic Engagement. No matter the response, the sudden loss of psychitude leaves the victim feeling empty inside.
So what is the cure for this horrifying condition? The answer is more simple than you might think. Remember in early elementary school, when you had a never-ending supply of energy and psychitude that somehow never built up to dangerous levels, requiring immediate release? Why was that? Was it because you hadn't a care in the world, and now you've been bitch-slapped by life too many times to fully enjoy just existing?
No. The reason is quite simple: in elementary school, we all were willing participants in the game of Four-Square. Excess psychitude can be expended safely by smacking your average dodgeball into the neighboring squares and the satisfaction of becoming king cures all unhappiness you may be feeling. College students have found solace in their renewed participation in this sport, and it is highly recommended for all readers to form their own Four-Square league as soon as possible to ensure they do not fall victim to hyper-psychaplasia.

Roundtable Friday: Reloaded

In my full official capacity of random nutty guy who

1. posts stuff on this blog
2. is taking a very intense math class, and
3. rambles on whenever he gives himself this kind of writing assignment,
   

I would like to welcome you, one and all, to Roundtable Friday: Reloaded. Unlike certain other 'reloaded' pieces of culture (i.e. The Matrix: Reloaded, The Teletubbies: Reloaded, and The Projectile Weapon That Might Hurt You or One of your Friends, Family Members, or Other Associates: Reloaded), I am confident, nay, sure, that Roundtable Friday: Reloaded will be unto the original (and now unfortunately past) Roundtable Friday as a very tasty dessert is to a very tasty meal.

For those of you who don't do well with analogies, I meant that I am sure Roundtable Friday: Reloaded is going to awesome in general, and Very Classy in particular.

So. Enough with the introductions. Here's what we're going to do:

• Digitalize and upload all of the paper editions of the News of the Roundtable - some of these have already been posted (look doooowwwnnn...)
• Add informative and interesting new articles, of great importance to all of you. For example, did you know that Pterodacyls have been recently sighted in Arizona? Or how about that certain Universities are offering classes in unclassiness? Or how about the Large Classiness Supercollector and the international controversy it has generated. Soon, you will...
• Reload Ask the Tuber. This has actually already been accomplished. Simply send all of your important questions to askthetuber@gmail.com ... and the Tuber will answer on this very page...
• And plenty more. I'll tell you later. I have classiness to work on.

If you want to help, we will be in contact. Send a message to askthetuber@gmail.com with your credentials and ideas or articles. We'll know what to do with it.

Muhahahahahaha...

With All Due Respect,


"Kevin" Root


P.S.: Why am I calling myself Root? Because I read to much. Now go away - or better, stay here, and help make the World... classy.

Oh, the real reason? I'm not giving away my name on the internet...

The Importance of Indexical Meaning (or, as it is more commonly known, Word Association)

We're all familiar with it. We've all done it. Some have had it ascribed to ADD. Some of us have even been named for it. But what we all take for granted may very well be one of the most important social engines of our time.
Green. What do you think about when you see this word? grass? trees? Al Gore? Pterodactyls? Or, like a multiple-personalitied friend of mine, you simply think about the last book you've read (Weed:A Comprehensive Guide to a Strong and Healthy Relationship Between You and Your Herb (Reputation not included)).
What you have just experienced is the phenomenon known as "Word Association". If not for this wonderful aspect of life, all we would think about was the dull color without all the mystical fun of leprauchans. In fact, society as we know it would cease to exist. And we barely register this wonderful aspect of our lives, save to dub a college visitation name on a frequent flier of the Word Association Express.
For eons these great occurences were the unsung heroes of our societies. But no longer. I will not stand for the glory of Word Associations worldwide to go unrewarded, unrecognized, unloved. From this moment forth, the second Thursday of every September shall be known as "Word Association Thursday", a day when all of the world revels in one of the most beautiful things we consistently experience. So tell your friends, your family, and your reputations; and for the sake of all that is decent and good in the world, associate some words. Amen.

A Message From our Persian Friend

‫زندگی آنجا در سالگی ده سن تا و ]منبع نیازمند[شد زاده تهران در آرش‬
‫سوئد به او هشتاد دهه اواخر در .کرد مهاجرت اروپا به آن از پس .کرد‬
‫۵ مدت به و رفتند آپسالا نام با شهری به آغاز در اشخانواده و آرش .رفت‬
‫هنوز آرش که جایی .رفتند مالمو به آپسالا از سپس و ماندند آنجا در سال‬
‫.میکند زندگی آنجا در‬

Fashionable Friday: Clothes

 Reprinted from Issue II of NotR: Print Edition (March 29, 2009)
 Perhaps the most popular fashion in the entire world is that of wearing clothes. Almost everyone in the world wears them. And, since they've been popular for thousands of years, you can be sure that they won't go out of style anytime soon.
Simple English Wikipedia defines clothes as “items which are made to cover part of the human body.” It goes on to say that clothes aren't just fashionable – they're also very practical. Clothes can protect you from heat, cold and even pestilent insects!
Many people wear clothes in red, yellow, blue, green, orange, purple, brown, and many other less publicized colors. For a classy look that's straight out of Central
Monsey, try wearing black and white clothes instead.
At the News of the Roundtable Headquarters there are two popular ways of wearing clothes. The first, involving collared shirts and khaki pants for boys and longish skirts and 'appropriate' shirts for girls, is far more prevalent. For a real 'rebel' look, try one of the “go to my office immediately” styles, like the newest line from Urban Doüek.

Fiendly Fashion Tip:

Chest Hair: All manly men have chest hair and are not ashamed to show it off. Try unbuttoning that third button on your shirt for increased viewability. Any other four cornered garments that restrict chest hair viewing should be removed. If you are sadly not well endowed with a manly tuft of chest hair try borrowing from someone’s back-mane.

Yummy, Yummy Pterodactyls... Open Up Wide!!!

Reprinted from Issue II of NotR: Print Edition (March 29, 2009)
They are among us! I am, of course talking about the existence of pterodactyls. There are numerous videos put up on YouTube by the few brave souls who are willing to recognize their existence. These videos show clear pteradactylishness in the figures they expose and are essential to the survival of our great nation. Although many fellow YouTubers try desperately to disclaim these obvious sightings due to their blind fear i.e. (referring to said majestic videos) “NO s%&! It’s fake the dam things say fiction in the description section dam people lets read” and “that video is more fake than my ex girlfriends orgasms”, we must recognize times are a changing and we must change with them. Even worse than the poor ignorant souls who ignore the facts are those who amalgamate their biases and anger into a stewing pot of hatred. Behold this scornful line from a Youtube viewer “There teridaptal imitation sounds like some black kid from some movies... call me racist but isten to the voice.” Aside from the atrocious spelling error (that’s the first thing they teach us in 1st grade, P after T except in Pterodactyl) this is the kind of pessimism that will lead us into a depression. The Pterodactyls and their fellow Pterosaurs will turn on us in conjunction with the megalodons, unicorns, griffins and Labradors (yes, they’re mythical) and Iranians (them too) and forget about America, get used to the Pteromegacornius griffindor republic of Iran. If you don’t trust that the A-rabs and the Pterodactyls are in cahoots, how do you think Arash gets his bicycle to defy gravity? You never noticed that massive, green-winged creature right beneath him did you? If we don’t start appreciating the Pterodactyls immediately they will go over completely to the other side and take over the world. They would leave no one alive except for 2 people of each race that they would use to satiate their demonic impulses. They would store these people in a ark and fly around and colonize the whole planet Instead of the beloved days of the week we know (see chart of classiness for details) there will be sodomy-to-western-culture-Sunday, Mangle-pre-marital-doers-Monday, gypsy-tossing-Tuesday, Jew-whipping-Wednesday, thwart-democracy Thursday, and orphan strangle Saturday. There will be no Fridays, everyone knows Arabs don’t believe in Fridays. Unless you want Iranian singer/songwriters to be flying around in bicycles and prehistoric creatures ruling the sky listen to my words. If you are a fiend, and you want to stop this horrific but imminent world of the future you will rise up and show that Friday does exist and it comes with a roundtable. Stop the mistreatment of mythical creatures. Save the Pterodactyls. Peace to all.

Thursday Night Jew-Down! (Because Friday night’s already taken)

Reprinted from Issue II of NotR: Print Edition (March 29, 2009)
An impartial analysis of the relative Jewish values being promoted in popular culture:

Musical Parodies

• Werewolf Bar-Mitzvah – promotes torah study as well as regular shul attendance. Also expounds on proper bar mitzvah reception etiquette. Additionally all werewolf activities described are Shabbos appropriate and do not violate any of the 39 melachos. Grade: B+
• J*** in my Pants – If you’re J-ing in your P, then your not sticking your P in
  a V. Getting off from a breeze isn’t against the torah is it? Abstinence: God’s cruel joke on teenagers. Grade: A-
• On a Boat – Conspicuous consumption: the 11th commandment. Wear that
  Madoff backpack proudly. It’s the classy thing to do. Grade: C-
• D*** in a Box – Jews love presents. Jews love saving money. Dick in a Box is more than an entertaining 4 minute musical masterpiece, it is a revolution. Hannukah? D*** in a Box. Afikoman? D*** in a Box. Mishloach Manot? D***
  in a Box. Justin Timberlake’s greatest service to mankind since the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show earns this week’s award as winner of the Thursday Night Jew-Down! Grade: A+
  

VH1 contestants actually insane. Shocker.

Those 20-50 of you familiar with the past of NOTR are familiar with our disdain of all things VH1 related. From ridiculous reality shows to even more ridiculous contestants to even more ridiculous repeat contestants (seriously they should rename it the 12-pack network that guy must have no self-confidence left he continually falls short against the dumbest and saddest people in the known universe in the worst contests ever invented) I thought VH1 could not shock me. But they did.
They created a show for an ex-contestant called "Megan Wants a Millionaire". Guess what that was about.
OK, who knows a millionaire who is so unable to get girls that he has to resort to VH1? those are not the kind of people you want hanging around, especially not competing for your affection. They're the kind of people who if they were less rich would appear on "The Pick-Up Artist".As it just so happens, "Megan Wants a Millionaire" was recently canceled. But VH1 will just crank out another ridiculous reality show to replace it. Or just another season of "Rock of Love".

Fourth Period Lunch Subculture

Reprinted from Issue II, March 29, 2009. 
It is not often that one group of people can experience such drastic change in one year, but the fourth period lunch brigade has made an unprecedented transformation. In recent weeks, it has become increasingly clear that every member of fourth period lunch is becoming exactly the same person. What once started off as a table full of individuals with unique personalities and interests has turned into one cohesive unit in which no one has any of their own thoughts or ideas. People around the school have taken notice of this revolution and Rabbis from throughout the school have come up with names such as “The Fourth Musketeers”, “The Fantastic Fourth”.

One can often walk by the table and hear a screaming of “Woahh!” by any number of students, even those one would never suspect to scream something with such reckless abandon just a few weeks ago. Added one forty year old
student, when asked about the Fourth Period Lunch Brigade, “Hirchsfeeeld!” On any given day, the brunt of the conversation, or rather random outbursts,
coming from the table revolves around exaggerated drug use, the poor quality of the yearbook, and blue jello. Every member of the lunch period now
possesses the same level of “gansgta flare” and can often be found assaulting unsuspecting English and Health teachers, regardless of how innocent they may have once been.

Defining and Refining Class, Classic, Classical, Classicalism, Etc.

Reprinted from Issue II, March 29, 2009.
Because of the inherent unclassiness of defining and explaining that which should be intuitive, i.e. the meanings of the above terms, consider the unclassy time spent writing this literature as a sacrifice for the greater classiness of society.

As strictly monitored by the ICC (International Classiness Congress-yes, it exists; no, you are probably not classy enough to join... few are as there are currently less than two members), the term classiness cannot be rigidly defined. Only examples on a one by one basis can be judged as being 'unclassy,' 'moderately classy,' 'classy,' or 'too classy.'

Note: things that are ‘too classy’ are obviously unclassy, but, for the sake of educating the ignorant, two categories were established. Also, ‘slightly classy’ was once a category but after the Summer Picnic Massacre of 1782 (two hundred campers went on a picnic in the Bolivian jungle wearing casual summer clothes and
top hats - they never returned), the ICC decided the category was too risky, and therefore, unclassy. The ICC doesn’t function based on any criteria other than classiness. For example, the deaths of the two hundred campers were irrelevant when compared to the unclassiness of the risk involved to maintain the category.

The ICC’s motto is: “Classiness should not mean, but be.” -Archibald MacLeish, former member (1900-1982). May his classiness serve as a beacon during these most unclassy of times.

Necessary Responses to:

• Unclassy Behavior: Ignore and look upon condescendingly.
• Moderately Classy Behavior: Advise on how to get to the next step.
• Classy Behavior: Respect, absorb and relish, but do not imitate for replication
  is not classy.
• Too Classy Behavior: Any means that will thwart the efforts of the perpetrator because the only thing worse than being unclassy is being too classy.