The Ballad of the Roundtable

Editor's Note: See the important announcement, below.

After writing my first poem, The Soundtrack to My Nightmares, I was shocked at how well it was received. (There's a really good story behind it - ask me if you haven't heard it. But while it was being read in class, I actually started cracking up. This also happened when, near the end of Junior Year, the teacher of the infamous "BC on a Boat" class gave me a math prize. It seems that whenever I actually get honored for something I did well, I start cracking up and generally making a fool of myself. Remind me not to ever win a Nobel Prize - it would be most embarrassing if got up to accept it and then started laughing for a straight fifteen minutes.)
Anyway, the reception to Soundtrack gave me the idea that I was suddenly the Poet-laureate of the Roundtable. And, of course, the Roundtable must have its own ballad - the words to its theme song, if you will.
I haven't made as much progress as I had hoped, but I promised something special for this Roundtable Friday, and I won't be able to deliver (see below, for an explanation, or above, for a link to below). Thus, as a consolation prize, I present below selected fragments from what will become The Ballad of the Roundtable.

---

Since they were the fiends
Of the Roundtable,
One might guess at what they
Did whene'er able.

But that may overstate their
Drugs and understate
Their other acts: Classiness
Was their law and fate.

Behold! They justly roamed
The vast, ancient school,
And upon their travels spread
classiness and cool.


---

Remember, that's only a preview and prototype. I'm too tired even to have proofread it - but it's something.

Keep it classy.

Scheduling fails: They're in all of us.

My associate, The Three-Thousandth Master of Shatz (a.k.a. Shatzmaster3000, but I like my way better), frequents the dark corner of the Internet known as Failblog.

(Thankfully, he does not frequent far darker corners of the Internet, like "/b/." I did not provide the link to /b/, because visiting it is probably a worse idea than, say, slitting your throat. Wikipedia says someone important says "reading /b/ will melt your brain." You don't want a melted brain, now, do you? I most certainly do not. Let's both stay away from /b/, and focus on happier topics, like the impending doom of classiness due to unclassiness. Seriously, though, stay away from /b/ if you value your life.)

On Failblog, I am told, are various 'fails,' or mistakes that people make. These fails can range from the humorous to humorous-and-yet-very-painful-to-the-person-who-did-it. Well, there's no need to go to Failblog for fails. We've got them right here.

I made a number of statements regarding an important post that would be posted on Wednesday, November 11. Then I realized November 11th was a Thursday. Then I realized I actually wanted 12/11/09, which I took as Friday, November the 12th. Then I realized that 12/11/09 actually means December 11th. So I was completely and awfully wrong. The correct special-edition article will be posted on the appropriate date, the 12th of December.

Update: As it turns out, this Friday is actually the 13th of November, not the 12th. Another scheduling post, another scheduling fail.

I will be posting an article for tonight/tomorrow, this Roundtable Friday. Unless the Master of Shatz beats me to it.

My apologies for the fails.

With all due respect,

root@kevin

Well, This is Embarrassing: The Scheduling Fail of the Roundtable

In a number of important communications, we mentioned that an important matter would be posted today, November 11. Unfortunately, we made a grievous error. The correct post will be made tomorrow, Friday, November 12.
We apologize for the inconvenience. Keep it classy.
With all due respect,
Kevin

Lincecum's Secret

Well, the Freak's secret has finally been revealed. For the last two-plus baseball seasons, the world has wondered just how it is somebody so small could be so ridiculously amazing. Lincecum was the antithesis of vh1- he left us in amazement at his illogical levels of talent, while vh1 continues to amaze with its level of mindnumbing ridiculousness. vh1 continues to be even more annoying than Pandora's recent adaptation of commercials. Lincecum inspired levels of amazement equal to vh1's levels of ridiculousness with his consistent dominance of all, thankfully, non-Mets teams. That's right. The Mets can beat Lincecum. Its Tyler Clippard they struggle against.
However, the secret of Lincecum's success has finally been revealed: Reputation juice, or, as it is more commonly known, the canabis plant. Lincecum was recently busted with some herb, much like former NL Rookie of the Year Geovany Soto. Of course everybody has to seem disappointed with Lincecum, and he has to seem apologetic, but making Lincecum halt his use of bud will likely be detrimental to his career. Just look at Soto: after being busted and quitting, Soto had a terrible sophomore year and the Cubs missed the playoffs, extending their World Series drought. If Lincecum stops, the years of 15-plus wins with 250-plus strikeouts for an otherwise mediocre San Fransisco(he even plays in California there really shouldnt be any fuss I mean, cmon, its SF) Giants team will be gone. And is that what baseball needs? No. It Isn't. And theres got to be at least one guy the Mets can beat that nobody else can. Otherwise what is the benefit of being a Mets fan?

Remembering Archibald

Editor's Note: Archibald MacLeish, one of the most influential figures in the history of classiness, was born 109 years ago today. The News of the Roundtable takes a look at this incredibly classy yet relatively unknown man.
Archibald MacLeish was born on November 5, 1900, to proud parents Ferdinand and Elizabeth MacLeish, in the London Hospital (now known as the Royal London Hospital). As he grew up, young Archibald demonstrated admirable classiness. Family and friends alike knew that this boy was something special.
Archibald grew up, as most living children do. When World War One broke out on July 28, 1914, Archibald tried to volunteer for the Royal Marines despite his young age. Realizing that his classiness could be valuable to the war effort, Archibald became the last drummer boy ever to serve in the Royal Armed Forces. He served with distinction in a number of engagements, including the battle of Amiens.
After the war, Archibald (still a young man of 18 years), founded a small clothing shop in central London. His remarkably classy articles of clothing sold well among the classy English upper class. And when England's King George V declared that the entire British Empire would soon hold a Fancy Friday, MacLeish became a millionaire almost overnight.

By this time, the Second World War was already brewing. The newly formed SIS believed that Archibald MacLeish's talents could be used for the good of the Allied Powers, and recruited him. He was placed in command of the European Division of the Royal Classiness Commission. While much of the RCC's actions are still classified, it is widely believed that the RCC in general and MacLeish in particular were instrumental in ensuring that German Forces did not use the incredibly classy Pickelhaube in battle. This declassification of German Forces is believe to have saved thousands of Allied lives.
As the war drew to a close, the Allied Powers began implementing their ideas for the future: the United Nations. A significant part of this would be the revival of the International Classiness Congress, which had been abandoned as part of the fallout from the Summer Picnic Massacre of 1782. The ICC would define and refine classiness throughout the world. However, a number of classy people, including MacLeish, lobbied against having the ICC part of the UN, based on the UN's remarkable unclassiness. Their request was granted, and in 1945, the ICC was founded as an independent body.
The ICC had traditionally contained only one member, and this new incarnation was no exception. There was little surprise when MacLeish's superior during the war, Rear Admiral Lord Nelson Cornwallis, was appointed to that high post. There was, however, plenty of surprise when Cornwallis was assassinated by a disgruntled Japanese ninja who had somehow survived the firebombing of Tokyo. With the classy community in disarray, Archibald MacLeish was expected to be appointed the next President of the ICC.
There was plenty more surprise when this completely failed to happen. Instead of Archibald, little-known Francis Esterhazy was chosen as the new ICC President.
Archibald returned to his clothing store. In addition, he began teaching classes in classiness at Cambridge University.
The years passed, at Archibald realized that the ICC's 'rule of one' could have disastrous side-effects. While the ICC concentrated classy leadership, it also left less classy people behind. With several of his wartime friends, Archibald MacLeish founded the International Association of Advanced Classiness People (IAACP), whose humble goal was to "cause advancement of classy people throughout the world."
When Esterhazy resigned from his post in disgrace in 1951, MacLeish was finally given the opportunity to take over. As new president of the ICC, MacLeish found himself in the middle of the Cold War, as Pinko Commie forces threatened to obliterate classiness once and for all. With more pressing issues at stake, MacLeish would temporarily disband the IAACP in what he would later call "the least classy move of my entire life." The IAACP would never recover.
Archibald MacLeish would hold the post of President of the ICC for 30 years, from 1951 to 1981 - through most of the Cold War. He retired in 1981 and died a year later. He was 82, and one of the most influential ICC Presidents of all time. Even a partial list of his accomplishments would be to long to fit in this article, so let it suffice to say that he had many accomplishments, and that they were instrumental in creating modern classiness as we know it.

The Truth Behind Halloween

Halloween is easily in the top ten awesome holidays. Free candy, ladies in skimpy outfits, and tupac-o-lanterns are all staples of this wonderful time of year. Less importantly, this holiday pays tribute to anything that, now or at any time in the past, had the power to cause fear in mankind. Witches, feminists, vampires, ghosts, and Mysterys(you call yourselves zombies, but I'm on to you. No, the Pickup Artist's techniques don't work, not even on Halloween. So cut it out already you're just depressing everybody) are just a few of the horrifying entities paid tribute on Halloween.
But what's the point? Halloween used to be a pagan holiday, and the traditions carried out today are just adaptations of certain ancient traditions if the film "The Halloween Tree" is to be believed. The problem is, "The Halloween Tree" was a terrible movie, and even worse children's book. Seriously the guy who wrote it should be metaphorically kicked in the crotch. He actually tries to use the word "lollicking" omninously. Clearly the guy is the Daisy De La Hoya of authors.
Halloween, for all its wonders, has never been regarded as classy. Sure, many have tried, through dressing up in top hats, tuxedos, pocketwatches, and the like, giving out caviar to trick-or-treaters, but overall the classy element has never been prevalent in Halloween.
The true purpose of Halloween is simple; Halloween is a time where the normal rules of society do not apply. Classiness, nutrition, and normal clothing are all completely disregarded on this day(well, night, nobody really cares about Halloween day). People go looking to be scared, what with all the movies out(though, seriously, these movies are really, really stupid. Saw was great, but six?!!!! Really??!!!!!) and typically venture outside their comfort zones. Despite the cold, ladies dress in the tightest and most ridiculously tiny outfits they could find(even when they shouldn't) of their own accord. So go forth and enjoy this magical time ye fiends and Roundtablers, and hope that your costume components arrive before Halloween. It would totally suck otherwise.

Techno: The New Crave

 Reprinted, with or without permission, from Issue II of the News of the Roundtable: Print Edition (March 27, 2009).

Is it ecstacy or music? What makes it so addictive?

Techno is a form of electronic dance that originated in Detroit during the 1980s. It has developed into one of the most widely renowned dance music throughout the world. Techno is like a school bus driver - it's odd on the outside but crazy in the inside. When played at a party, techno puts peoples' minds in a complete and utter trance unsurpassed any other time in their lives. The mental power of techno is so strong that there have been rumors that some Charedim were dancing the hora to 'Dota,' by Basshunter, in Washington Heights. There have been many claims that the “land of milk and honey” (Israel) is a euphemism for “the land of techno and Arash”. Israel is known for its love of techno and has attracted many Techno artists, including the infamous DJ Tiesto. Beside for the Middle East Techno stars have also risen in places like Sweden where Basshunter, who enjoys the company of a very beautiful and talented Persian girlfriend, has become very famous. There have been recent studies that Techno can be used to cure malaria and syphilis. The up-tempo and addictive qualities of techno have been proven to retrace time and undo these deadly infectious diseases. Techno is an art; it's a beauty umatched by any hot girl anywhere, it's the Bar Rafaeli of music, and the Kobe Bryant. In the end it is obvious that Techno is the best genre of music and Arash is the best musician of our time. In addition we should all thank G-d for the opportunity to indulge in the addictivness of Arash and Techno.